Again

My birthday was last week.  I've tried not to let the fact that my Mom didn't even say happy birthday to me bother me. She didn't realize it was my birthday I guess.  She has dementia,  so I don't expect a lot from her but even 25 years ago she didn't remember my birthday.  My ex husband used to call her to remind her.  She only had one kid--me.  You wouldn't think it would be hard to remember that kids birthday.  I try to give her slack now since she isn't all there but she looks at her calender every day and marks the days off, you think Aug. 20 would have possibly spurred her mind.  I don't know why I let things like that bother but it does.  I guess I've always wanted her love and approval and respect but I don't think I will ever get it from her.  The time to maybe make peace with her has slipped away like her mind is doing.

Love actually

I'm sitting here watching a movie called Love Actually,  it is a good movie that has given me food for thought.  There are a lot of different kinds of love.  Friend Love, Romantic Love, Shallow Love and fake love.    I'm also looking for Soul Mate Love,  I think it exists,  I hope it exists, I want it to exist.  Finding it is another thing.  I don't know where to look and I'm afraid to let myself let go when I do find it.  I've figured out that I am afraid,  when you put your feelings out there you can get hurt very much.  I met a guy on line,  very nice guy but not what I'm looking for.  I could keep going out and I might, but just as a friend.  I'm like a fish in very tall reeds,  looking out at the world and darting out into the open, sampling but swimming back into my safe reed home.  I can see this very clearly and want to draw it out and just can't seem to get it down on paper.  I'm a frightened fish.  

I got a little angry today and railed against fate,  then thought why not me.  Fate Karma or whatever has given me a chance to make new tomorrows and I'm wasting time looking back on the past.  I'm still hurt from all that happened.  I'm still angry about what happened.  I didn't deserve what went on  but and a big but maybe I wasn't paying attention to karma and doing the things I should so had to be whacked over the heart with a big stick studded with nails.  That induced me to make a change.  I don't care much for change,  it has seemed to me to be negative.  I'm going to two job interviews on Monday and have to say it scares the  crap out of me.  Even though what I have is not good and giving me way too much stress at least I know it.  I'm trying to be positive that a change will be good.

Am I ever going to feel like life is good.  It has it's good time and I'm still grieving over the pass.  I tried to empty some of the past earlier this week and though I had made some progress and I guess I did.

My brain hurts.