Here I sit with two bored dogs tonight. Have been feeling rather yucky since Thursday but I think I'm over the worst of it. Amazing how a virus can take you and shake you inside out. Hopefully I will find a way to enjoy Christmas Eve, I have to visit my Mom, I missed Thursday because I was just too sick and I finally called her today and she really hadn't missed me. I think if the laundry didn't pile up she wouldn't care if I came or not. She's sick and has been for a good part of her life, it has taken me until recently to acknowledge this and recognize this. I guess you don't want to admit your Mom is mentally ill. But it does color you all shades of grays and blacks. I think I was able to love and care for my kids better than she did me. I hope so, I made a big effort to parent like I wanted to be parented. My kids still like me so I guess I did OK. After that my family will be going to my ex in laws. Every fiber in me desires to be there but it is not possible. I am uncomfortable --they are uncomfortable. We have grown way apart, I guess mostly on my choice but to be around them and listen to them is like rubbing sandpaper and salt into wounds. We always had holidays together, we had fun, laughed, talked and just enjoyed family. I miss family. It is odd I don't miss John so much as what I thought family was. So I'm not sure what I will do tomorrow night, Mom told me today that you get used to being alone on holidays. The way I remember once we had kids we invited her to stay with us Christmas Eve so she could see the kids open their presents. She always wanted to back out but I just kept trying. I have been invited to a friends house for their family Christmas, I feel weird, I'm not really her family and I only know her son and his girlfriend. I know her boyfriend but that is pretty much all. I feel like a pity invite. Christmas Day will be spent in a new way --going to a movie then over to my daughters to have Christmas Breakfast Dinner. It is going to be very small this year. I'm pretty sure just daughter, son, son in law and myself. It is sad to have such a small family. I came from being an only child and loved being married into a large family. When I was young we always had part of the day entertaining my dads family then when they left we went into my Grandma Kelly's. My Mom was one of eight and I had 22 cousins, not everyone was there the same time but enough to be fun. The dinner table groaned, we had to sit where we could because the table was full--overly full. This all changed when my Dad got sick. We only had one Christmas with him while he was sick and he was quite ill at that point. I think that is when my childhood was gone forever. I always was an old child having been raised as an only by what was older parents back in those days. My Mom never did recover from his death.
I miss so much this time of year. I wonder if my Dad hadn't gotten sick what life would have been like. Would my Mom have had a better less bitter life? Would they have even stayed married? Would I have still met my ex husband? I think that might have been different, I think my Dad would have been more strict on my comings and goings. My Mom just really didn't care. She should have been thankful I was a good kid. So if I hadn't met him then Erin and Mike wouldn't have been born--that is the only reason I'm glad things happened like they did.
About the Ex, I keep playing one of those awful loops in my head today, nothing like not feeling great and being bored. I keep hearing some of the things he said about me to me. I had maybe an insight today, maybe he was saying all of those things so he could believe them and make it easier on him to get out of the marriage. When he said "He didn't think I loved him anymore, so I wouldn't care that he was having an affair" maybe projecting because he knew it was wrong? When he said I was lazy, stupid and enjoyed having a laugh at my expense, just belittling me so he could feel better about what he was doing? I know we had gotten to the point where we were not in sync anymore but it wasn't the first time in our 30+ years we had gotten to that point and we always managed to find what we had that made us get together, so I just thought it was another one of those periods. I thought having the young friend that was also a girl who liked motorcycles, football, drinking and drugs was the mid life crisis thing coming back to haunt me again. I thought I could outlast it and it turned out I was wrong.
The other thing that seems to play forever in my mind is how I got the short end of life in the divorce. He got the house for a while, he kept the business, he had the girlfriend(took my place before my place was cold) and he got the family that he never really wanted. Going to family things were something he did not enjoy but went because I asked him too. He would never have remembered his Mom's birthday or to call her once a week if I hadn't reminded him. I knew she looked forward to those calls. I also am so angry that he has found a new relationship for over the past 2 years, he didn't want to be tied down so the best I can tell is that he hasn't been by himself hardly at all since we separated . It just doesn't seem fair--but who said life is fair. If he ever remarries I think I might blow a gasket. One of his major statements is" I will never get married again" So I got rid of a major loser but also lost a lot of other important stuff to me. I've had to stretch and grow the last few years. It is painful. There are times if I didn't have the dog to take care of and my Mom that I think I would have just let go. But the knowledge that they need me kept me going on. I wouldn't want to hurt my kids, I guess that is the real reason.
So I work on seeking the positives I have in my life:
I have kids who love me.
I have many great friends who love me
I have a nice home that I have put together mostly on my own
I have a job--this one is positive and negative but working on a new job
I still contribute to the world in small ways
Negatives
I don't like my job, it doesn't pay enough to live on
I am alone- I haven't found someone to share my journey with
My health is having some blips--trying to work on those
Depression seems to be a constant companion
Always worried about finances
Lots of stuff to think about on the eve of Christmas Eve
