Checking in

Been a while since I posted.  Life has changed a lot since my last posting.  Grandson growing, moving and new job.   I have forgiven my ex who has been the cause of so much pain.  It brought me a sense of peace.  Physically things are about the same but manageable. 

I'm thankful so much for family and friends.  The little boy in my life has been a blessing and a joy.  Right now he is going through the terrible two's but we shall get through this too.

I'm still trying to deal with my Mom issues.  I feel that I wasn't a good person to her when she got dementia.  I could have been kinder and more understanding.  If there is a heaven I hope she has forgiven me when I see her next.  I can't wait to see my Dad.  No matter how old you get you still need your dad and I missed so much with him.

So a positive post tonight,  when I read back on my past posts I was a very sad, unhappy and angry person, and I don't feel like I'm that person anymore.  Years of therapy and medicine do make a difference.

Random Thoughts running through my mind

Today has been a very quite Sunday.   Had a really good day yesterday going to a Renn Faire with family and friends.  So knew I needed to hang home today.  Got a project I'm working on and it takes a lot of time and I'm on a time crunch with it.  Just looking at the past 6 months and reflecting on the good, bad and ugly.

1.  I've been given a wonderful surprise--I'm going to be a Gram,  never thought it would happen so very shocked when it did.  It changes a lot of how I'm looking at the future.  I wondered what I would do in retirement (7 years and 2 months-give or take) and now know I can help with watching grandchild after school.  This will give their Mom and Dad peace of mind and give me a reason to get up and go every day.  The best part will be knowing the kid,  I want to be a part of their life. 

2.  Still employed.  Job still tough but I'm still there.  It has gotten a little less busy but still working overtime most every day.  Changes are in the air so will see what that does to everything.

3. My Guinness is getting older, I'm worried, she sits and whines, not sure if it is attention needed or she is in pain.  Still eating but not as fast as before.   She hears me and jumps in bed so able to move around and catch me when I open a wrapper. I am not ready for anything to happen to her,  it is going to be very very difficult and I won't be doing well when something happens to her.

4.  Still on track to retire in August of 2021.  I meet with the retirement guy two to three times a year and so far so good.  Car will be paid for August of 2015 and house sometime in 2020-if all goes as I'm planning.

5. Still have good friends and adopted family in my life.  I'm lucky.

6. Heath is good, no surgeries as far as I know this year.  I think I will count laser surgery for my right eye at a surgery and say I've had it for this year.  I keep thinking I will have a year with nothing going on and keep being wrong.

7.  Wonderful Mexican vacation,  first resort that I know I would love to go back to.  Have to see how the prices are for next year, hopefully affordable. 

So when I look over the first 6 or so months of this year it has been positive for the most part.  Still dealing with situations in my life that I don't know how to change but I'm still kicking.

Happy 2014?

I can hope that 2014 is kinder to me than the last 5 years have been.  I don't know what other major events I can have in this year but am not going to tempt fate.  2013--it was quite a year,  new job-lots more stress but a bit more stability which is why I changed.  I miss the easier pace of PW but there have been major changes there in the last year.  Eye surgery-had cataract surgery on both eyes  took a while for them to settle down more than 4 months--I still have some flickering-when I'm tired or have overused them.  I don't know if that will go away but at least things are clearer now.  Got a little older this year, closer to 60 which sounds horrible but better than not having birthdays.   My Mom had a trauma filled year.  More falls than I can remember.  She got a concussion, brain bleed and heomatoma all in one fall.  Several days in the hospital.  Another ER visit with another fall but that one was minor.  She lost more of her mind everyday and physically got frailer and frailer.  Quit eating,  it was hard for me to deal with but I put one foot in front of the other and got through it.  She passed away on Oct. 7th,  I wasn't there she went to sleep and didn't wake up.  At least that is what they told me.  It said cardiac arrest on the death certificate so not sure if that is just what they figured or if they dealt with it and just spared me the details.  Other than a skunk incident the night she died it was a calm funeral and a good send off.  I've had to finish up paperwork and am waiting on Medicaid to let me know if they want the small amount of money she had at death.  They want 183,000 I'm not sure how they think she could have so much since Medicaid tells you that you can't have anymore than 2000.00 in assets.  She had a IRA that they didn't take at the time so not sure if they are going to get that in the end.  I had some good times with my family and friends.  Thanksgiving was good-my son stopped by but had made plans for that day so that was a little bit of a bummer but I did get to see him.  Christmas was good and a bit quite.  New Years Eve was with friends and I saw Erin and Chris so it was good.  The only thing lying on the horizon is a possible health issue.  I'm hoping to go back for a recheck in Mar and have it all cleared up so nothing else needs to be done.  Nothing like going in for an annual checkup and being told your tongue is asymetrical  and it isn't hard as if it were a tumor, so wait 3 months and we will recheck.  If it is still like this we will have to do a biopsy.  Not anything I wanted to hear.

I do have going to Mexico in Feb 2014 with my favorite people so something to look forward too.  I can't wait but don't want it to hurry since it gives me something to look forward to.  As for dating still not making any progress.  Wondering if deep down I have too much fear.  My marriage and divorce took a toll on me in a lot of ways.  I lost what self confidence I had,  I know he kept saying it wasn't me it was him but why wasn't I enough.  I thought I was a good, kind and loving person.  I put up with a lot of stuff from him over the years and stayed with him good and bad.  I lost a lot of my self definition,  wife, co owner of a company, mom.  My kids grew up and didn't need me as much.  My husband didn't need me any longer,  I wasn't needed in the company I helped to build.  I became divorced which some people just couldn't deal with.  I lost the home I had helped build,  it was our dream for so many years.  He got to live in it longer but did end up selling it.  That was a small comfort.  He still has the company and apparently a nice girlfriend.  Erin said I would really like her.  I asked why she was with her Dad and she said he has changed for the better.  I don't know why that hurts but it does.  He can change for someone else but couldn't for me and discarded me like yesterdays trash. I know she gets really aggravated with me for not going out and aggressively dating.  The only thought I can have is your young, married and haven't dated in 10+ years.  You don't know what it is like being in your 50's, out of the dating pool for over 30 years and have a hard time thinking anyone would like you.    It hurts my feelings a little but I know she just wants me to get back out there.  I didn't date much before I met her dad so have very little experience in that arena.

So goals for 14, learn new stuff.  Maybe get brave and join a dating website--it is just so creepy out there.  Decide if the job will do or look again.  Work toward positioning myself toward retirement.  Love Guinness a lot and take care of myself.

Finding Love

Beginning to wonder if I will ever find love.  I know the song says looking for love in all the wrong place--I don't even know where those are and sure don't know the right places.  I hesitate to try web sites,  I just don't feel comfortable --can't tell who they are and the tonal inflection of what someone says.  I'm open---I look at Krogers and lots of other places I go,  I smile and look friendly.  I make comments to strangers sometimes.  I don't know that bars are the place--at least I would have to go to the wrinkle room to find some around my age.  I need a wingman to go with me.  Not comfortable going by myself.  I just feel socially awkward in situations like that.  It is hard for me to talk to people that just pop up,  I don't know what to say.   Maybe this weekend I'll spend some time on the web.  Maybe pay for match for a couple of months,  just to see what happens.  The only guy that flatters me feels more like a friend.  I think we have each liked each other but never at the same time,  it doesn't seem to connect in that way.  I like him as a friend.   You would think I would have friends who know single guys--they are out there just hiding from me.

Starting Over

I wish I could say I've started over and am living the life I'm suppose to live.  But not yet.  I went to someone -a Doctor/Healer tonight.  My friend has pretty much insisted that I go, she feels that I'm stuck in the past.  She is right in a lot of ways but we all heal in our own time.  That was one bit of wisdom he gave me tonight.  He also said it sounds like I have a bit of PTSD going on.  He said it sounded like I went through a lot of trauma with my divorce and all the things that happened before, during and after.  He has some classes that would help, he also feels that I could use some massage and yoga to help me work on the body pain I have going on.  He feels that you are a sum of mind, body and spirit and you must treat all parts in order to heal.  I have to say this sounds reasonable to me.  I know when I was getting regular massages and therapy I did feel better.  The big if is money,  I don't make enough to pay all my bills,  if I didn't have savings I don't know what I would do.  I try to live simply,  the biggest thing I do for me is use my tax refund to go to Mexico once a year,  not sure how much longer I can do this.  I have savings, do I use them to enjoy life now or save some for retirement--decisions decisions.  Things will ease a bit when my car is paid for-still 3 + years away.  My house is 14 years away.  I will pay my lawn tractor off in May 2014.  Those are my bills.  I pay my credit cards off monthly.  My big expense this year has been medical.  5000.00+ with medicines and surgery this year.  That is what has tightened up my budget.   At least I can see it.  Next year will be better, hopefully I will get a raise in Feb.  Just some random thoughts in my brain tonight.  Last night was a major night of not being able to sleep.  I went to bed at 11:15 and was awake until after 2- then woke up again around 3:20 and did that off and on until 6:50am when my alarm blared.  I am really tired but having a hard time giving up and going to bed.  Tomorrow I will celebrate with family and friends the occasion of my birth on the 20th of August.  It should be good.

Doing OK

I'm really glad I kept busy yesterday and will be busy tomorrow.  Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of confronting my ex about his affair.  It was a horrible day and night.  It started the nightmare that lasted way to long in my life.  Tomorrow is the date he told me he didn't want to be married any longer.  He said if we did we would just just end up hating one another in two years.  I guess he didn't realize I already hated him,  after the mental abuse he put me through after the break how could I want to be his friend.  I hate the fact he has seemed to move on without any regret.  I did have a lot of regrets.  I know there were actions that I should have taken or changed.  I wish Karma would have bit him some.  But it seems to be he has a pretty  good life.  I have a good life but have dealt and am dealing with a lot of issues that are just plain hard.  Not how I though life would be at my age. Another thing on my mind is my next birthday,  for some reason the number is bothering me,  it is not a major birthday but one that all the same is getting under my skin.

37 years

Well today is 37 years since I met my ex husband.  A teenage girl and a teenage boy meet on the Watterson Expressway, they start dating and a 13 months later get married.  Along the way they buy houses, have kids, get adult jobs and deal with everyday life.  It gets more complicated, they open their own company, build a dream house and start growing apart.  Instead of working on the issues she puts her head in the sand and he reverts to being a teenager and has an affair, lies and cheats.  I keep having to remind myself that we did have good times and I think he loved me some of the time.  But it doesn't take away all the pain he caused me and our kids with his behavior.  I know it has been almost 5 years since we decided to divorce and he has moved on but I still feel stuck in this loop of sadness and pain.  The 20th of this month is when I confronted him about his affair and the 22nd is when he said he didn't want to be married anymore.  My dad died on July 12th and his birthday was July 1st.  My wedding anniversary would have been Aug 6th.  So many dates that are mine fields for me.  I guess I'll get over it when I get over it.

Parents

Pretty soon I will be an orphan.  One having neither of their parents living.  My Dd has been dead almost 40 years.  I don't remember much about him.  I didn't get to know him as an adult  Only as a child.  I wish I had been able to know him as a grownup.  We never got to have conversations about life or anything like that.  He never got to see me grow up, meet his grandchildren.  In posting a picture of us today I realize I really do have his eyes.  My Mom told me that but I never really saw it before today.

Pretty soon my Mom will be with my Dad.  Something she has wanted from many years.  She is failing.  Physically and mentally.  Way to many falls in the last months.  Her brain was getting addled before but this has hastened her decline.   I never have any idea of what we will discuss when I go to see her.

The nursing home called on Tuesday before she fell and wanted to discuss tube feeding and IV liquids.  They know this is not what we want but wanted to confirm with me.  As they said we are not there yet but it is progressing in that direction, unless something drastic changes.  This was before she fell and EMS had to be called to take her to ER.  Lucky this time it wasn't major, an abrasion that bled a lot and a little more confusion, I think.  The confusion is there anyway just think maybe a little worse.  She generally knows who I am but Tuesday night at the ER there were times when she was talking about me to me.  It is always in the back of my mind that they may call me any time.  I won't even drink to much wine because they may call.  Always on alert I guess.

I wish it had been different for her,  this is not the way for anyone to end up,  but I guess we don't get a choice how we exit this life.

Tears and Fears

Feeling rather down  the last couple of days.  I've sat here and cried over the Oklahoma tornado, lost and found dogs, people on TV going through life crisis and true love. My heart hurts over so much.  I keep thinking true love is out there some where but again not sure where to look.  I just want a partner in life.  Someone to share the ups and downs with.  I would love to show him Mexico, Renn Faires and my friends.  I have so much love to share with someone.  I"m tired an that never makes my emotions go smoothly.  At least the job is starting to clam down.  My boss has given me a few good jobs lately.  I've been pitching in while the new guy is training,  she is letting me train him on his job and will start training on my job in a couple of weeks.  So I feel like I'm doing ok.  My 90 days are up on Sunday.  I should get a 90 day review. I can hope of a raise but doubtful that will happen.

Current Job

I'm one month into my new job and it is OK.  I'm stressed about making mistakes and the time card system drives me nuts.  It is set up on 100 ticks but I've got to get that I've got to be sure I'm working on 15 minutes which is 25 on their system and work it out so I don't get overtime.  I ran over 15 minutes Friday,  I thought I was leaving 15 minutes early, so I'm really stressed I'm going to get into trouble.  They are very tough on the rules on this job,  I emailed my boss and asked if she could change my time stamp.  I really didn't want the OT, I was ready to go, I was working on a spreadsheet with the 51 bills I got in on Friday.  I was busy 3 1/2 days last week out of 5.  I'm hoping I have enough work that they don't want to take me down to part time.  I need to not work so hard or fast,  I always seem to have this problem with my jobs.    Why do I have such a hard time with mistakes.  I can take this farther into my life and see where that is a lot of my heartache comes from.  Oh well I'll take my beating on Monday and get through it.

Christmas Eve Eve

Here I sit with two bored dogs tonight.  Have been feeling rather yucky since Thursday but I think I'm over the worst of it.  Amazing how a virus can take you and shake you inside out. Hopefully I will find a way to enjoy Christmas Eve,  I have to visit my Mom,  I missed Thursday because I was just too sick and I finally called her today and she really hadn't missed me.  I think if the laundry didn't pile up she wouldn't care if I came or not.  She's sick and has been for a good part of her life,  it has taken me until recently to acknowledge this and recognize this.  I guess you don't want to admit your Mom is mentally ill.  But it does color you all shades of grays and blacks.  I think I was able to love and care for my kids better than she did me.  I hope so, I made a big effort to parent like I wanted to be parented.  My kids still like me so I guess I did OK.  After that my family will be going to my ex in laws.  Every fiber in me desires to be there but it is not possible.  I am uncomfortable --they are uncomfortable.  We have grown way apart,  I guess mostly on my choice but to be around them and listen to them is like rubbing sandpaper and salt into wounds.  We always had holidays together, we had fun, laughed, talked and just enjoyed family.  I miss family.  It is odd I don't miss John so much as what I thought family was.  So I'm not sure what I will do tomorrow night,  Mom told me today that you get used to being alone on holidays.  The way I remember once we had kids we invited her to stay with us Christmas Eve so she could see the kids open their presents.  She always wanted to back out but I just kept trying.  I have been invited to a friends house for their family Christmas,  I feel weird,  I'm not really her family and I only know her son and his girlfriend.  I know her boyfriend but that is pretty much all.  I feel like a pity invite.  Christmas Day will be spent in a new way --going to a movie then over to my daughters to have Christmas Breakfast Dinner.  It is going to be very small this year. I'm pretty sure just daughter, son, son in law and myself.  It is sad to have such a small family.  I came from being an only child and loved being married into a large family.  When I was young we always had part of the day entertaining my dads family then when they left we went into my Grandma Kelly's.  My Mom was one of eight and I had 22 cousins,  not everyone was there the same time but enough to be fun.  The dinner table groaned,  we had to sit where we could because the table was full--overly full.  This all changed when my Dad got sick.  We only had one Christmas with him while he was sick and he was quite ill at that point.  I think that is when my childhood was gone forever.  I always was an old child having been raised as an only by what was older parents back in those days.  My Mom never did recover from his death.

I miss so much this time of year.  I wonder if my Dad hadn't gotten sick what life would have been like.  Would my Mom have had a better less bitter life?  Would they have even stayed married?   Would I have still met my ex husband?  I think that might have been different,  I think my Dad would have been more strict on my comings and goings.  My Mom just really didn't care.  She should have been thankful I was a good kid.  So if I hadn't met him then Erin and Mike wouldn't have been born--that is the only reason I'm glad things happened like they did.

About the Ex,  I keep playing one of those awful loops in my head today, nothing like not feeling great and being bored.  I keep hearing some of the things he said about me to me.  I had maybe an insight today,  maybe he was saying all of those things so he could believe them and make it easier on him to get out of the marriage.  When he said "He didn't think I loved him anymore, so I wouldn't care that he was having an affair"  maybe projecting because he knew it was wrong?  When he said I was lazy, stupid and enjoyed having a laugh at my expense,  just belittling me so he could feel better about what he was doing?    I know we had gotten to the point where we were not in sync anymore but it wasn't the first time in our 30+ years we had gotten to that point and we always managed to find what we had that made us get together, so I just thought it was another one of those periods.  I thought having the young friend that was also a girl who liked motorcycles, football, drinking and drugs was the mid life crisis thing coming back to haunt me again.  I thought I could outlast it and it turned out I was wrong.

The other thing that seems to play forever in my mind is how I got the short end of life in the divorce.  He got the house for a while, he kept the business, he had the girlfriend(took my place before my place was cold) and he got the family that he never really wanted.  Going to family things were something he did not enjoy but went because I asked him too.  He would never have remembered his Mom's birthday or to call her once a week if I hadn't reminded him.  I knew she looked forward to those calls.  I also am so angry that he has found a new relationship for over the past 2 years,  he didn't want to be tied down so the best I can tell is that he hasn't been by himself hardly at all since we separated .  It just doesn't seem fair--but who said life is fair.  If he ever remarries I think I might blow a gasket.  One of his major statements is" I will never get married again"    So I got rid of a major loser but also lost a lot of other important stuff to me.  I've had to stretch and grow the last few years.  It is painful.  There are times if I didn't have the dog to take care of and my Mom that I think I would have just let go.  But the  knowledge that they need me kept me going on.  I wouldn't want to hurt my kids,  I guess that is the real reason.

So I work on seeking the positives I have in my life:
I have kids who love me.
I have many great friends who love me
I have a nice home that I have put together mostly on my own
I have a job--this one is positive and negative but working on a new job
I still contribute to the world in small ways

Negatives
I don't like my job, it doesn't pay enough to live on
I am alone- I haven't found someone to share my journey with
My health is having some blips--trying to work on those
Depression seems to be a constant companion
Always worried about finances

Lots of stuff to think about on the eve of Christmas Eve

Stupid Head

OK, my broken record keeps playing.  I just don't understand how I could have done things right and have had someone treat me so wrong.  All I did was love and care and I got repaid by lying, cheating and abuse.  I think of where I was 4 years ago, this is the day I did battle because he wanted to cheat me out of a company we had built.  He didn't want to share like our separation agreement,  he opened up a whole separate company to run business from starting in Nov.  He was willing to change the name and take all the money for work he and I did together and cut me out.  I've cried buckets and buckets of tears.  I'mnot sure how a person can cry to much.  This is on top of cheating on the marriage and lying lying lying.  I didn't embrace all the things he wanted to do but I didn't mind when he rode the motorcycle, went to bike nights and rally's.  I was glad it made him happy.  It was adding a woman into that mix who molded herself to what he liked that tipped the scale. I was tired of being alone on weekends and having his mind and money going to his hobby.  I have to say at one point he offered to take a trip through the mountains in a convertible so I could go along.  The problem with that was he would have resented me for not riding the bike.  I know how he was when he wasn't happy,  he made everyone else around him unhappy.  I want to know why it matters so much to understand why he thought what he did was acceptable behavior,  he gave me the speech of it's not you it's me, that just sounds like a bunch of crock.  I want to know if the girl he had an affair with was the first or just one of many.  I want to know how he could have been so cruel.  I'll not get the answers I feel would help me move forward.  He is playing a good game for his family and my kids right now.  I don't think that skunk could change his stripe,  I think he is just covering for right now.  He lost a lot of respect from people during our divorce and must feel the need to redeem himself in his family.  They were so angry with him,  but that has died down and I've been replaced with the last girlfriend who he has had for over 2 years.  The I never want to be married has settled down with a woman and seems to have made some sort of commitment to her since he is living with her when he was in town.  The bad thing is I'm living a half life waiting to find a someone to join me in my life, I just feel we are better as  a pair. I'm lonely and never wanted to live alone.  I always wanted to be married to my love and here I am alone.  I want a partner but I'm afraid at the same time.  My baggage is in many suitcases and I need to be clearing them out but it is a difficult job.  I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this,  how can I trust someone when the one I trusted abused my trust so badly.

Life Is?

Life is Hard.

Life is Challenging

Life is opportunity

Life is interesting

Life is ???

Trying to figure out what life is and is suppose to be.  I sure am not where I thought I would be at this stage of life.  The vision I had has nothing to do with the reality I'm facing.  I'm getting older ad getting fearful about being able to take care of myself.  Money is a big issue,  I have some put away but with costs going up and insurance being sky high to afford am I going to be be able to make it.  It is easier when there are two.  A partnership one helping another when they are down.  I'm going through the grocery the other night and thought I hate shopping for one.  I am beginning to hate cooking for one.  I'm losing the desire and ability to cook for myself.  Why go for a meal when a sandwich is easier?  Are we engineered to be part of a set or a couple?  Is that why I'm having such a hard time moving from the place I'm stuck?  I am paralyzed by fear.  I don't know what to do and it takes too much energy to try and do something to propel me on the path I want to be on.  I'm starting to understand my Mom just a bit after my Dad died.  It was easier to not participate in life then have to use all the energy you have getting through the day.  I'm not going to give up like she did, but I do have an small insight into why you would.    I don't feel well.  Not sure if it physical or mental or a little of both.  New medicine kicking my butt,  I didn't take it tonight,  I've got a job interview tomorrow and don't need to be ill and trying to get through that.  Not sure this is a good job--they have only been in business a year and that concerns me.  I've been thinking a lot about my inner child--my core or whatever it is called.  Why do I always think I'm wrong,  that I never get it right.  Is the voices that have filled my life- Mom --ex Husband.  Your not enough, your lazy, your wrong, your stupid, your fat, your hair is wrong, you spend too much money.  And so on and so on.  I try so hard to get it right but it just doesn't seem to be enough.  I love with all my heart and try to be a good person.  I work hard and keep up my end of the bargains.  So what have I done to end up alone and starting over at this age.  For some reason age is bothering me a lot lately.

Why do we?

Why do we humans long so much for love?  Love from a child, pet or friend works.  What makes us lovable or unlovable?  Is it right that we are sometimes expected to change from who we are to what someone else wants to make us lovable?   Then if we do that do we lose the self love we must have for ourselves.   Self love sounds selfish but I think you must have it.  Sometimes I don't love my "inner child" enough.  This is when the self doubts creep in and make me doubt that I am "lovable"  This is the point where I tend toward depression,  when my heart hurts and tears flow.  I hope I am lovable.  I've lost family and more family in the last couple of years, my ex in laws and for some reason the only blood family I have left on my Mom's side.  I don't think I did any thing wrong but I'm sensitive about this for some reason.  I guess because the man I thought was the love of my life was able to discard me so easily.  I wish I could ask the questions and get real answers not what he thinks would be the right answer.  I'm really tired of the not you it is me,  it wasn't anything you did and so on.

Losing it

How do you know when you are losing our mind?  I keep wondering what I have done to cause my life to spiral in this direction.  Nothing seems to be going right,  the last four years have been full of stress and problems.  Tonight my Mom calls, (third time this week) I need kleenex day one,  I need snacks, I'm out (I tried to leave the ones I bought her last week but no she said no take them home-so I did)  Today it was bring me graham crackers-(they are good for the bowels) more than I wanted to know about bowels.   I'll see her tomorrow and be glad that is off my plate for this week.  I often wonder if some of why things are going right is Karma's way of smacking me for not being a better person -not really wanting to take care of my Mom.  Could it be that?  I'm just not sure.  I really don't think I'm a bad person. I try hard to be kind and do the right thing.  I got another job rejection today,  I really didn't get a chance for an interview-they have already filled the position.  They will keep me in mind if there is anything comes up.  This is my 3rd recruiter working for me.  It will happen.  It just keeps my life uncertain.

I want to enjoy my vacation in a week and 1/2.   I have plans to do some things to my house,  I hope I have the energy and my pain is at an acceptable level.   I'm really tired of the pain-mental and physical.

Holidays

I'm already at a really low point.  The holidays are approaching and I am already have lots of pain in my soul.  It is almost like it was two years ago.  I feel like I was replaced so easily.  I lost my spot in the world.  Wife, mother, part of a large happy family, future leader of the women of family.  Now I have core group of family that I have created,  they are so worth it but it still causes me so much pain when I read about my ex family getting together to plan Thanksgiving celebrations.  This was my job that  I so enjoyed.  It gave my holidays meaning.  I read on facebook that they are meeting at my ex's girlfriends (of over 2 years) house to plan the day.  For a man who didn't want the family roots that were so important to me, he got it all.  My Thanksgiving day consists of being with my demented mother.  Right now I'm not sure what I'm going to do with her.  Cousins usually invite us but haven't heard anything,  at least if I go there they keep her occupied and I don't have the total responsibility.   My kids most likely will be with the Robbins,  ouch it hurts but that is the tradition they know.  I still want to know what I did in the marriage to cause him to choose the way he treated me.  Was I not loving enough,  did I not pay enough attention to him,  was my distaste for his hobbies  the straw that broke all he told me about loving me forever.  I have a really hard time listening to love songs because they seem like such a crock.  How could the man who the Thursday told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever on Tuesday say he didn't want to be married anymore.   I just don't understand.  

I think I have a lot to offer the right guy,  I have so much love to offer.  I have a good heart.  Why am I so alone?

I think the health issues have caused some of this pain.  High blood pressure, cataracts and breast reduction revision have all happened in the last week.  I'm not sleeping well and got Lunesta,  my god how much medicine costs.  The new BP medicine and the Lunesta cost 120.00 with insurance for 30 pills of each, so 2.00 a pill.  With the other 4 prescriptions I have my medicine costs have taken a bite out of my budget.

Just another thing to stress about.

Love Never?

I think maybe I'm meant to be alone.  Maybe that is my fate.  Not what I envisioned, not what I really want but maybe that is the way it is suppose to be.  I just got to thinking about it today and maybe I'm fighting against karma-fate or whatever.  I've been alone over 4 years,  I wish I could have found the right man,  just don't know where to look.  Maybe I'll stop driving myself to being unhappy if I just give up.  I kept hoping I would find someone to share all the good things in life with.  I hoped I would have someone to be with n New Year's Eve, parties, birthdays, holidays and just everyday life.

My mood has dropped into the floor. I had a really good Friday night with friends, Sat. some more friends stopped by and we had dinner together.  So that was the good part.  Today I've sat too much, watched too much TV and brooded too much.  I had every intention of doing come fall cleaning today,  Taking one room and cleaning from top to bottom.  I just couldn't summon up the energy. I feel oddly guilty when I don't do something, reading and playing on the computer seems wasteful.

So as I get tired and night falls I get sad.  I wonder if I will ever get another job,  I wonder if I will ever find a man to love me as I deserve to be loved,  I wonder if life will ever have less stress, I wonder if my aches and pains will ever subside.  All questions that I don't have the answers to.  I wish I knew the answers.

I did mange to pick some books and movies to put into the give away pile.  So not a totally wasted day.

Again

My birthday was last week.  I've tried not to let the fact that my Mom didn't even say happy birthday to me bother me. She didn't realize it was my birthday I guess.  She has dementia,  so I don't expect a lot from her but even 25 years ago she didn't remember my birthday.  My ex husband used to call her to remind her.  She only had one kid--me.  You wouldn't think it would be hard to remember that kids birthday.  I try to give her slack now since she isn't all there but she looks at her calender every day and marks the days off, you think Aug. 20 would have possibly spurred her mind.  I don't know why I let things like that bother but it does.  I guess I've always wanted her love and approval and respect but I don't think I will ever get it from her.  The time to maybe make peace with her has slipped away like her mind is doing.

Love actually

I'm sitting here watching a movie called Love Actually,  it is a good movie that has given me food for thought.  There are a lot of different kinds of love.  Friend Love, Romantic Love, Shallow Love and fake love.    I'm also looking for Soul Mate Love,  I think it exists,  I hope it exists, I want it to exist.  Finding it is another thing.  I don't know where to look and I'm afraid to let myself let go when I do find it.  I've figured out that I am afraid,  when you put your feelings out there you can get hurt very much.  I met a guy on line,  very nice guy but not what I'm looking for.  I could keep going out and I might, but just as a friend.  I'm like a fish in very tall reeds,  looking out at the world and darting out into the open, sampling but swimming back into my safe reed home.  I can see this very clearly and want to draw it out and just can't seem to get it down on paper.  I'm a frightened fish.  

I got a little angry today and railed against fate,  then thought why not me.  Fate Karma or whatever has given me a chance to make new tomorrows and I'm wasting time looking back on the past.  I'm still hurt from all that happened.  I'm still angry about what happened.  I didn't deserve what went on  but and a big but maybe I wasn't paying attention to karma and doing the things I should so had to be whacked over the heart with a big stick studded with nails.  That induced me to make a change.  I don't care much for change,  it has seemed to me to be negative.  I'm going to two job interviews on Monday and have to say it scares the  crap out of me.  Even though what I have is not good and giving me way too much stress at least I know it.  I'm trying to be positive that a change will be good.

Am I ever going to feel like life is good.  It has it's good time and I'm still grieving over the pass.  I tried to empty some of the past earlier this week and though I had made some progress and I guess I did.

My brain hurts.