So Tired

I am so tired of having to deal with stuff.  I understand this stuff is small but it seems to leap out of no where and aggravate the crap out of me.  My sister in law called tonight--she checks on the house I have for sale.  It has rained way to much and the basement is musky,  so I'm going to pay her $75.00 to clean it up and get it smelling better.  For some reason I really don't want to go back to the house I grew up in.  It probably has a lot to do with all the stuff that has happened the last couple of years.  She also found a letter in the box,  it's a bill from a collection agency for the garage service I stopped last November.  So I have spent way too long looking for my notes of when I called them.  I remember doing it because we discussed where they needed to pick up their can, it was in the back part of the driveway.  So tomorrow I have to deal with that.  The funny thing is the bill is in my Dad's name.  He has been dead since 1973,  they would have a hard time collecting.  I went through the same thing with the water company, again it was in his name.  I kind of put it to them they had to send the bill to me if they wanted to be paid, surprise they agreed.

My soul feels so unsettled.  I think I know one of my greatest fears,  did an exercise with a women's group I went to.  I don't know how so resolve this fear.  I guess time will either let it happen or I'll find what I need to be happy.

Parents die, become ill, dogs go to their happy reward, marriages end, jobs disappear, homes dissolve and become houses, jobs change and become unbearable, houses remain unsold, health issues arise.  These are the hard things.  I'm looking for joy, happy times, love, good friends, enjoying my job, good health and peace.   I think I must be asking for way too much-I see other people with it and don't understand why I can't have it.

Decisions

Today I got a call from the realtor with an offer from an investor for Mom's house.  It was a terrible low ball offer, 15000.00 less than I was asking.  I will counter offer cutting it 4000. and no closing, repair or any other kind of cost.  We'll see if they go for it.  I called my son to get his opinion.  I think he was flattered, I don't usually ask for opinions just tend to go my own way but I wanted someone to bounce my thoughts off of.  This could be a positive if they go for it.  I'm still sourcing on two jobs I applied to at Humana.  It's been almost a month so they are still looking at me.  They are very good about sending rejection emails.  So maybe some positive things will be in the future.

When?

I'm not sure I believe in karma.  If there is karma I'd really like to know what I've done so wrong and bad in my life that it keeps taking swipes of my soul.  If karma exists how come some people who do wrong and don't try to say their sorry and make amends never get blasted .  I've know a lot of good people who seem to live under the  same dark cloud I'm beginning to suspect is planted over my head never get a break.  I have so many people who tell me I've got it good and I'm lucky in the way I got out of a bad situation but don't have to live the pain and heartache that I still feel.  I don't want to go back to where I was, I realize it was a negative place and I wasn't treasured and loved the way I deserved.   I just wish I could understand when if ever it was a good relationship.  The only good thing out of that was the two wonderful individuals that came from the union.  So I have to wonder what I've done so wrong in life to have things happen.  I have not had a good year since 2006, one that nothing major bad thing has occurred.  Mom having cancer on her face, eye stroke 2007, cheated on and used in bad ways plus lost my job , marriage and home all in one instant.  2008.  In 2009 took the job that was offered (positive was I met some good people) not a good one but a job, found and bought a house (positive) but had to settled everything in a divorce-lost some things that held memories and things that I found would have been useful later (I can buy these things).  The divorce was an ugly creature,  the lack of respect really came through from him.  Costly for sure.  Things were starting to get on an even keel and then  Morgan and Mom are diagnosed with Altzehimers .  Mom had to live with me for over 80 days.  It's not easy having to be the parent to your parent-of course I was a host of different people while all this was happening.  I got her into a good nursing home-if any is good.  She has been angry and unhappy with me since I did this.  So I live with that every week.  I thought 2011 might be a good year and in Feb. I had to put my Morgan to sleep.  She was uncomfortable and in pain so it was necessary.  Since Feb. I've been fighting the dragon of depression.  It sneaks up and takes me to sad places and not good thoughts.  I fight these thought since I know my life isn't that bad.  Chemical imbalance is what I'm suspecting.  I feel like I've lost so much these last couple of years.  I keep getting the message change is good--I have a hard time believing so -most of my change has been forced and uncomfortable.  I try so hard.

Good things

I'm trying hard tonight to remember the good things I have in my life.  I have my kids, 40+ friends (two of them), friends of 30+ years (She went with me when I put Morgan down)newer lifelong friends (they will be around for a long time)  some people who are in my life but they will just be passing through.   I have work friends, friends who who are helping me with my aches and pains.   I have one furry large dog who thinks I'm wonderful.  I have a home that is very nice, I have a job--this is one of the temporary things--I'm on to bigger and better things.  I have a little bit of family-I really don't think I can count on them in my life, they are tied into theirs.  I have the family I married into, I'm losing them more and more but it is natural when divorce happens.  I have good health although my aches and pains are not fun I can function pretty well without too many limitations.  So all in all I have a lot of good things in my life.

The loss of my Morgan has made me miss the things I had.  I miss my Mom being somewhat there for me.  At least I could call and talk and I don't have that now.  I miss having a companion to share things with.  It would be nice to have someone ask "How was your day today?"  What's going on in your life?  Don't worry about that noise in the car I'll take care of it.  I miss being pampered-I didn't get this a whole lot but every now and then it was about me.  Most the time it was about him.  I think I believe more and more what he said "It wasn't anything to do with me it was all about him"  Things change and change is a way to propel you forward in life.  It has taken me a while to come to this truth.

Thinking

I have way too much time on my hands.  I can't still my mind when things are quiet.  I almost always have the radio or TV on so I have the background noise on.   My mind drifts to all sorts of topics when I try to be calm and meditate.  My horoscope today was pretty much dead on to how I'm feeling.  "Your in the middle of a learning process, and this is the part where it gets very frustrating.  You may even wonder if it's time to quit .  I seems like this is not what you signed on for, but hang in there."  There are points where I just want to chuck it all in and give up.  But the end result is not one I really want.   I'm really tired of making the major decisions.  I always have had to make the hard decisions in life so I'm not sure why it bothers me now.  I'm so much better off without the stress I lived under.  I don't want to be in a sterile life but the one I'm living now isn't horrible.  I get to decide what I want to do and when,  I eat what I want at home and things are my things.

So these are the thoughts that are crowding my head right now. :)

Thinking

I have way too much time on my hands.  I can't still my mind when things are quiet.  I almost always have the radio or TV on so I have the background noise on.   My mind drifts to all sorts of topics when I try to be calm and meditate.  My horoscope today was pretty much dead on to how I'm feeling.  "Your in the middle of a learning process, and this is the part where it gets very frustrating.  You may even wonder if it's time to quit .  I seems like this is not what you signed on for, but hang in there."  There are points where I just want to chuck it all in and give up.  But the end result is not one I really want.   I'm really tired of making the major decisions.  I always have had to make the hard decisions in life so I'm not sure why it bothers me now.  I'm so much better off without the stress I lived under.  I don't want to be in a sterile life but the one I'm living now isn't horrible.  I get to decide what I want to do and when,  I eat what I want at home and things are my things.  

So these are the thoughts that are crowding my head right now. :)

Dogs

It is amazing how much a 55 pound furry black lab can worm their way into your heart.  My Morgan was a beautiful puppy both inside and out.  She didn't want to be the alpha dog but enjoyed just being loved.  I wish I'd had more time with her but 13 years 8 months was a good amount of time for a large dog.  It feels really odd to only have one dog.  It is strange when putting Guinness in the pen that there is only one dog.  Feeding, letting her out and going to bed are all triggers of missing Morgan.  We've had the routine for so long.  Morgan loved bread and most people food.  Tomatoes were a favorite--fresh off the vine if she could manage it.  She didn't like lettuce or celery.  I miss the wise look on her face--not sure she was all that wise but she gave the impression that she was.   When my friend the animal communicator spoke with her after she kept peeing in front of the room my ex was sleeping gave her this explanation.  I pee at his door because he deserves to live lower than the basement.  Emma explained to her that this behavior was causing me trouble and needed to stop.  After that she quit peeing in front of the door.  Believe in this or not it is what happened.    I thought that was a wise explanation from my girl.  Tears have not flowed as much as I had feared but they creep in at odd times.

I don't know if I will ever get another dog but I also don't know that I will not.  Time will tell.