What the heck?

In a fairly good mood most of the day,  still dealing with house selling issues.  The repairman the agent had contacted couldn't come tonight and check it out.  She is going to try to find two other people so we can compare bids.  The repair guy had too many calls today.  I can understand, this house is empty so the walls dont care how hot it gets so if I was a person without air I would want priority   It just makes this stretch out longer.  I don't want the buyers to change their minds.  So that was a bump in the road.

I had some serious therapy on my neck, shoulders, arms and elbows today.  I had an hour with the OT, he worked me over.  I have some pretty bruises on my back, neck and shoulders.  I can't tell on the arms yet.  It hurts at this point to lift my arms.  Hopefully some of the work he did will loosen up the tangles and knots.  I sure hope so. I am in pain most of the time, it is just a matter of degree.  I tell them I'm always a two on the scale with spikes up to 5.  When using your arm to push yourself out of bed gives you a sharp pain it is never good.

So my mood took a dive tonight,  I don't know if it is stress from the house, pain from the body or another one of those trigger days.  I don't know why those days that remind me of my past life keep pricking at my mind.  You would think I would get over it.  I am over it a lot but I guess it reminds me of what I had thought my future was going to be and now I'm remaking it.  I wish I had more in my life, a companion is what I am missing.  Dating is hard and it is very hard to figure out where to start.  Sometimes I wish they had matchmakers -let them put people together and see if it works.
I think I am going to go and count my blessings which are many and good.  Good night world

A bit surprised

that the weekend turned out better than I expected.  It had a minefield in there and I kept busy and didn't even think much about it.  The only down thing was when I watched "Marley and Me"  good movie and I could identify with what a lab is like.  Morgan and Marley had a lot in common in some ways.  Labs have a way of being unlike any other dogs.  Guinness is different in she is a herder not a retriever and her mental is just her own.  Good news was I had an acceptable offer on Mom's house, thank goodness.  It's been since November that it has been for sale.  So if it can pass the inspections they want and not ask for any repairs it should be theirs by Aug. 15th.

My mood the last couple of days has been calm and easy.  This is wonderful to me.  Maybe I've turned a corner?

Stupidity

I'm feeling rather stupid,  not sure why.  I'm still grieving over the end of the dreams I had so long.  The dreams were good but the reality sucked.  I don't want the ex back in my life.  It is a much calmer and mentally sane life than I had.  But---I never wanted to be single.  Single is hard for me since part of the dream was to be with someone forever.  Forever doesn't last as long as it used to.  It got near the end of the marriage that it wasn't working as hard as I tried to make it work.  I want to find a partner in this life.  I'm not good alone.  If there were lessons to be learned about being alone and resourceful I think I've got it.  I can handle situations and take care of myself.  I can be alone and be content.  I just miss having someone in my life to be there and make me more whole.  If I have to never be in another relationship I will survive,  not as well as I would if there was a someone who could love, cherish, respect and share some of my interests.  I'm having a hard time being around couples who appear happy.  I'm glad for them but it hurts.

Am I stupid to think there is another relationship out there for me?  I don't have a clue where to look and I don't know how to flirt.  I haven't done it for a long time and it is different than when I did.    I wish the ex hadn't changed to be someone I don't know and don't like.  He wasn't a good person and it took me a long time to accept this.  I looked past the flaws to love him.  I've broadened my horizons since this all happened.  I'm not sure why I can't let go.  The makes me wonder if I will ever be happy again.

A bit surprised

I had my mid year review at work today.  It only took 12 minutes.  I got one added goal which wasn't bad since my boss got 3, of course I will help her with them but it is ultimately fall on her.  Then in a sort of surprise move she asked me if I would be interested in my boss's job.  She is leaving in Dec of 2012.  I told her I would be interested but we would have to talk about it at length.  I think the first thing would be talking salary.  Then we would need to define the job expectations.  One of the things I worry about is that our boss is also leaving in the near future.  I have a feeling her date may also be Dec 2012 but she isn't telling.  This is not a job I enjoy but I could do her work and we would have to hire someone to do mine.  The like to be very PC on who they hire.  I was a surprise as a white woman but apparently I was the most qualified.    I feel like there would be job security for at least 6 years maybe longer.  So do I really think about taking on the business associates job or do I keep looking for a different position?  They give a pretty good package when they have to let people go.  If I work until Jan 6th 2012 I will have a pension, small but a pension.  I think I'm going to keep looking but also keep deciding if I would like to do the job.  When I mentioned that I didn't know if I would like to be chewed up and spit out like they do my Boss at the meeting she said she didn't think that would be a problem for me.  Theresa is a bit forceful and I think that may cause her issues that I wouldn't have.  Who knows.

Questions but no answers

I've got a lot of questions on how things work and how life is suppose to go.  I have very few answers, I wish I knew more or could understand better. I wish I knew why I let my ex have so much attention from me.  I don't want to think about him or dream about his.  I can't seem to let go of the past.

My counselor said his ultimate goal for me is to trust in the unknown. He told me that I have to know all the ends and outs of whatever I'm going to do.  I have to examine and be cautious.  He is right about that, I have been that way as long as I can remember.  He feels that I need to have faith and take a chance on things sometime.    He has helped me a lot over the past year and most of the time I feel better after I have talked with him.  I just wish I had the answers and knew the future.  Don't most of us wish that?

Reflections

I'm reflecting on my life.  Saw a play tonight that brought a bunch of hurt up.  The female older lead had some forgetfullness, (reminds me of my Mom),  the husband who was dead wanted to come back and make sure that she knew he loved her.  Reminded me of the one I had who didn't.  And the 3 kids who all had their issues.  I've never been sure my Mom loved me and my dad died when I was young so I think he loved me but really don't know.  This brought the hurt I have been trying to heal.

I've had another pain in realizing my lost family is having a cookout tomorrow,  I wasn't invited so I have to figure    that the ex must be coming.  This is so hard,  I miss my place in the scheme of things.  I haven't made my place in my new life.  I was with some good friends tonight and I am envious of the relationships between them.  It is what I thought I had but didn't .  I just can't seem to find the starting point--I want a good relationship with a good man,  I want to find my place in life.  I really don't want to be like my Mom and be lonely and shut in for the last 25 years of her life.  She told me last Sunday that she has regrets, wishes she had done things differently. I can't help her with this.  She had lucid moments-most are but then she goes somewhere else.  This is hard.

I made a list today of my good qualities --I have them and need to celebrate them.  I have an identity and need to claim it.  It seems self serving to list your good qualities but must recognize them and develop self esteem.  It seems a long time since I felt good about myself.  This is something I need to work on.

Strength

I have come to accept that I am a strong person.  Lesser women would not have coped as well (I didn't think and still don't think I'm doing that well) but I have had several people comment on my strength.    It doesn't seem to help when my emotions get the best of me or when I'm very tired.  That said, I'm reflecting on the past 3 years and a few further back.  Since July of 2008 I have learned how to cope in an insufferable situation, seen a home become just a house, lost my job, ended the only relationship I've ever had with a man and deal with being lied too, cheated on, betrayed and made a fool of.  I've bought the only house I've been totally responsible for, got a new job, lived alone for the first time ever and managed to get by.  I've had the strength do deal with a dog with Alzheimers, a mother with dementia/Altzeimers, find the only possible solution-nursing home and get her on Medicaid.  I've had to let go of some wonderful people who were my family for over 30 years,  you can't keep the same family when the divorce is ugly, he is blood, I'm not.  This has been a difficult step and still working on it.  I've said goodbye to my puppy when it came time to do the right thing.  I've done house repairs, figured out what was wrong when things happened and fixed them.  I've learned to ask for help when I can't do something(this has been hard since the lessons I learned when young was don't ask for help)

I've done an awful lot of soul searching and looked in places in my soul that aren't pretty.  I've come to the conclusion that I'm a good soul most of the time.  I'm a good friend and love with my whole heart when I do.  I'm thoughtful, and care for people and try to solve things for them.  This causes a level of frustration when I can't fix things.   My heart hurts when my friends hurt..  This year I lost a friend fairly close to my age rapidly and not expecting it.  He was a good man and his wife my friend for over 30 years is hurting so bad and I can't do anything but hope for her.  

I've healed a lot and still have further to go.  I wish it was easy and didn't have backsliding.

So all in all I've done well.