One Step forward

I was very pleased with myself the last week or so.  I felt more positive about life than I have in a while.  For some reason the bubble started popping last night.  No reason just started on the down side of mood.  Got through today pretty well but tonight have the feeling of impending disaster.  No basis just the mood.  I realize a big trigger day is looming but thought it would be ok.  Maybe it's not ok.  Grief has no expiration date.  It doesn't say it's been 3 years all gone.  I'll keep working the program, positive thoughts and try to move beyond the negative.  I'm tired,  that could be part of the reason.  The weather, lack of caffeine and not sleeping as much as I apparently need to is taking its toll.

I'm going out to meet a single group again on Friday night.  Then Sunday out with my family I choose friends.  Sat. is the 34th anniversary of when I married the heel.  I should celebrate that I'm no longer with him.  The more  people open up about him and tell me things I wonder how I stayed so in the dark about the real him.  He was a great actor around me.  Again, I need to forgive myself for being so blind about him.  I used a service man we had used and he had talked with the ex and said to me,  he's not very nice is he?  Two realtors  also found he wasn't the nicest of people.  Why didn't I see this?

The positives--I have a job so I can pay my bills and have a place to live.  I have a large wonderful puppy who loves me unconditionally as I love her.  I have so many wonderful groups of friends each with different view points and thoughts,  I'm challenged by them, they have stood by me in all my moods and issues.  I've got my Mom in a safe and good place for her.  Maybe not what either of us thought would happen but it's the best for her and me.  I have sight, hearing, smell, touch, my aches and pains are with me but I can live with them.  They are bearable.  So all in all my life is good.  It helps to put it all down and see how much good I have in my life.

Sunday's

Sundays are almost always tough days.  I had a wonderful Sat. with the person I've chosen to be my sister.  It is hard when you are an only child.  As you get older the family you had disappears or at least in my case.  I lost my Dad 38 years ago, various aunts and uncles had passed away,  cousins I had a relationship with have faded as the developed their own families.  I had married into a big extended family and always enjoyed it, but that too is fading, too hard to be comfortable with each other.  A sister but not since there are other women he brings around.  I have my kids for the biological family but have crafted a core group of friends who are the family I choose.  We even celebrate Christmas as the family you choose.  This will be the third year we have a breakfast supper on Christmas evening.  I also have a Thanksgiving on the Sat. before the actual holiday so the core group usually has time to gather as a crafted family.  This means a lot to me,  family is so critical to me.  I feel lost if I don't have it.  I guess I could never have been a loner.

So enough about the wonderful Sat.  Sunday, go to church and pick up pieces of thoughts that I have to digest and think about.  Some of it I keep and some of it I leave.  The dogma that Unity has lets you pick what resonates with you and discard the rest.  Then I go to see Mom,  I get there and look in the dining room then go to her room and she isn't there.  The nurse tells me that someone checked her out and took her to Comfy Cow.  I probe a bit and find out one of her sisters took her out.  I went to Comfy Cow and couldn't find them.  So I left the clothes, new sweater and fresh tomatoes on her bed and went to run the errands I needed to get done.  Sprint went well even if it took a while.  They were able to switch old phones stuff to the new phone.  Then gas and came home.  After vegging awhile I decide it was cool enough to cut grass, that is done for another week.  But as the hours tick by to bedtime it depresses me to think work starts in less than 12 hours.  I think I'm suppose to stay at this job a while longer.  I've been looking for a couple of months and nothing is happening.  Maybe I'm not done with whatever I'm suppose to take from this experience.

I wish I could find more joy in life, most the time it seems to be just existing.

What the heck?

In a fairly good mood most of the day,  still dealing with house selling issues.  The repairman the agent had contacted couldn't come tonight and check it out.  She is going to try to find two other people so we can compare bids.  The repair guy had too many calls today.  I can understand, this house is empty so the walls dont care how hot it gets so if I was a person without air I would want priority   It just makes this stretch out longer.  I don't want the buyers to change their minds.  So that was a bump in the road.

I had some serious therapy on my neck, shoulders, arms and elbows today.  I had an hour with the OT, he worked me over.  I have some pretty bruises on my back, neck and shoulders.  I can't tell on the arms yet.  It hurts at this point to lift my arms.  Hopefully some of the work he did will loosen up the tangles and knots.  I sure hope so. I am in pain most of the time, it is just a matter of degree.  I tell them I'm always a two on the scale with spikes up to 5.  When using your arm to push yourself out of bed gives you a sharp pain it is never good.

So my mood took a dive tonight,  I don't know if it is stress from the house, pain from the body or another one of those trigger days.  I don't know why those days that remind me of my past life keep pricking at my mind.  You would think I would get over it.  I am over it a lot but I guess it reminds me of what I had thought my future was going to be and now I'm remaking it.  I wish I had more in my life, a companion is what I am missing.  Dating is hard and it is very hard to figure out where to start.  Sometimes I wish they had matchmakers -let them put people together and see if it works.
I think I am going to go and count my blessings which are many and good.  Good night world

A bit surprised

that the weekend turned out better than I expected.  It had a minefield in there and I kept busy and didn't even think much about it.  The only down thing was when I watched "Marley and Me"  good movie and I could identify with what a lab is like.  Morgan and Marley had a lot in common in some ways.  Labs have a way of being unlike any other dogs.  Guinness is different in she is a herder not a retriever and her mental is just her own.  Good news was I had an acceptable offer on Mom's house, thank goodness.  It's been since November that it has been for sale.  So if it can pass the inspections they want and not ask for any repairs it should be theirs by Aug. 15th.

My mood the last couple of days has been calm and easy.  This is wonderful to me.  Maybe I've turned a corner?

Stupidity

I'm feeling rather stupid,  not sure why.  I'm still grieving over the end of the dreams I had so long.  The dreams were good but the reality sucked.  I don't want the ex back in my life.  It is a much calmer and mentally sane life than I had.  But---I never wanted to be single.  Single is hard for me since part of the dream was to be with someone forever.  Forever doesn't last as long as it used to.  It got near the end of the marriage that it wasn't working as hard as I tried to make it work.  I want to find a partner in this life.  I'm not good alone.  If there were lessons to be learned about being alone and resourceful I think I've got it.  I can handle situations and take care of myself.  I can be alone and be content.  I just miss having someone in my life to be there and make me more whole.  If I have to never be in another relationship I will survive,  not as well as I would if there was a someone who could love, cherish, respect and share some of my interests.  I'm having a hard time being around couples who appear happy.  I'm glad for them but it hurts.

Am I stupid to think there is another relationship out there for me?  I don't have a clue where to look and I don't know how to flirt.  I haven't done it for a long time and it is different than when I did.    I wish the ex hadn't changed to be someone I don't know and don't like.  He wasn't a good person and it took me a long time to accept this.  I looked past the flaws to love him.  I've broadened my horizons since this all happened.  I'm not sure why I can't let go.  The makes me wonder if I will ever be happy again.

A bit surprised

I had my mid year review at work today.  It only took 12 minutes.  I got one added goal which wasn't bad since my boss got 3, of course I will help her with them but it is ultimately fall on her.  Then in a sort of surprise move she asked me if I would be interested in my boss's job.  She is leaving in Dec of 2012.  I told her I would be interested but we would have to talk about it at length.  I think the first thing would be talking salary.  Then we would need to define the job expectations.  One of the things I worry about is that our boss is also leaving in the near future.  I have a feeling her date may also be Dec 2012 but she isn't telling.  This is not a job I enjoy but I could do her work and we would have to hire someone to do mine.  The like to be very PC on who they hire.  I was a surprise as a white woman but apparently I was the most qualified.    I feel like there would be job security for at least 6 years maybe longer.  So do I really think about taking on the business associates job or do I keep looking for a different position?  They give a pretty good package when they have to let people go.  If I work until Jan 6th 2012 I will have a pension, small but a pension.  I think I'm going to keep looking but also keep deciding if I would like to do the job.  When I mentioned that I didn't know if I would like to be chewed up and spit out like they do my Boss at the meeting she said she didn't think that would be a problem for me.  Theresa is a bit forceful and I think that may cause her issues that I wouldn't have.  Who knows.

Questions but no answers

I've got a lot of questions on how things work and how life is suppose to go.  I have very few answers, I wish I knew more or could understand better. I wish I knew why I let my ex have so much attention from me.  I don't want to think about him or dream about his.  I can't seem to let go of the past.

My counselor said his ultimate goal for me is to trust in the unknown. He told me that I have to know all the ends and outs of whatever I'm going to do.  I have to examine and be cautious.  He is right about that, I have been that way as long as I can remember.  He feels that I need to have faith and take a chance on things sometime.    He has helped me a lot over the past year and most of the time I feel better after I have talked with him.  I just wish I had the answers and knew the future.  Don't most of us wish that?