Saturday

It's beautiful Saturday but I'm choosing to spend it mostly inside.  Allergies are rather awful this year so less outside equals less stopped up head and sneezing.

Sitting inside brings a new set of thoughts.  The tradition that is ending has been weighting on my mind.  Was there anything I could have done differently that would have made us both more comfortable is being around each other.  The ease that we used to have seemed to disappear after the divorce happened.  I didn't think our friendship was hinged on me being married to her brother.  Is it the uncomfortable feelings we both seemed to get when we tried to be friends?  I've got another tradition that I've got to figure out what to do with.  We have been passing a friendship ball back and forth since the early 90's,  this year I'm it.  I have to find something small enough to fit into the ball and somehow find a way to give it to her.  I doubt that I'll see her during the holidays.  Even if he goes to Florida I doubt that I will feel comfortable enough to join them Christmas Eve.  I'm just out of the loop on their lives.  So do I continue the tradition or do I just let it drop.  I hate to be the one to make it a final ending.  I hate endings apparently.  I have started new traditions and this year making candy could be one with different people.  Decisions are hard to make sometimes.

October Begins

It looks another fall is settling in, leaves are changing colors and dropping to the ground.  Fall allergies have raised their ugly selves.  Halloween decorations are appearing at peoples houses.  I passed a house in downtown Louisville today that had 11 different inflatables in their small back yard.  Inflatables are not my idea of decorations but some people seem to be in love with them.  I'm sad as usual to see Sunday come to an end. Not looking forward to going to work tomorrow but then again I don't usually don't want to go to work.  I really need to work on getting a new job next year.  I keep thinking about going to Mexico next year and it sounds so wonderful.  It's getting dark so much earlier now days,  the time change looms and I really wished they would leave the time alone, it messes so much with the biological clock.  My mood has been swinging back and forth.  I'm good then something triggers a sad period then back to OK.  I wish life was easier.

I saw my Mom this weekend.  It's sad to see her getting old and frail.  She holds it together pretty well with most people but seems to let it go with me.  I wish our relationship could have been better but we were not able to make it go that way.

I've decided that some people are meant to be in your life for a short period of time, others for a long period.  Some people I've had in my life for many years are now starting to drift away.  It was a somewhat mutual decision.  A traditional started in the 80's  coming to an end.  Divorce will do that even to the closest of friends when they are both friend and in law family..  So it's up to me to make my new traditions, which I'm working on.

Old habits

Old habits die hard.  I've been doing very well on moving on and getting rid of the clutter of my old life.  It only took 3 year to get this much progress.   I was reading a book about a woman who found out her husband had cheated on her.  This took me back into areas of my life best left under the rock where I put them.  So today had been a day I'm trying to keep very busy.  Stuff that needed to be done but for one reason or another not done.  I also keep this weekend fairly empty to just try and regroup.  I've been so tired lately --really for about 6 months.  So being drawn back into the past has been a challenge,  I'm pretty durn tired of all the challenges I'm given to gain personal growth.  I was working on my garden trying to tie up my tomato plants and whacked my thumb,  I'm not a carpenter by any means, it throbs.   My fence is coming apart and I'll have to get hold of the fence people and get them to fix it.  These things shall be taken care of and then mo longer a problem, just an annoyance right now.

Bittersweet

I put to an end yesterday to my childhood.  I finally sold the house I was born into, raised until 19 and able to go home to until about a year ago.  The house needed to be sold.  It had so many issues that needed repair and it needed someone to love it.  The only feeling I've had for the past year was a drain-on my resources and energy.  I'm glad it sold,  the people who bought it sound like they will give it a lot of care.  They told me which bedrooms they were going to use and where the office would be.  He will have the basement for a man cave.  My dad had it has a man cave before they were known as man caves.  I can still picture him downstairs with his radio equipment talking to people all over the country and a few foreign places.  That is the memory I have most of my dad.  I can see my Mom on the back porch working jigsaw puzzles on a card table with a neighbor drinking "sweet" tea.  I an see her and my aunt on either the front or back porch just talking.  I can remember sleepovers with friends in my teens.  I can remember reading on the back porch when it was screened in.  I slept on the back porch sometimes it was cooler than the house.  My spot to sleep after we got a room A/C was on the floor, Mom and Dad had the beds.  My thought turn to the critters I had growing up,  a rabbit named Fluffy (lack of imagination -I was only 6) a blue chicken, a duck named Crackers, canary named Tiger, hermit crab named Hermy, assorted turtles I picked up in different places the last pet a poodle named Tory.  Many afternoon hours on the porch with my cousins who lived 16 houses down, we would meet halfway.  Many nights spending the nights at either house,  we played Barbies, and board games.  It was  much simpler time.  I remember the years after Dad died and how the atmosphere changed in the house.  My poor Mom was so depressed I'm not sure she ever really recovered.  Walking to school, riding my bike to the book mobile, walking to Dixie Manor, A & P groceries, Learner, Murphy's and the fountain at Walgreens.  The house was there for me my whole life until yesterday and I let it go on.  I couldn't move back into it and couldn't take good care so now it will be loved again and my memories will be fond of it.

Reflections of Time

I realize after having a birthday that time is speeding by way to fast.  I don't feel my age and don't want to be grouped with the elders in my age group.  I want to have fun and enjoy my life,  it's about time I do.  I wish I had the wisdom I have gained about 20 years ago but I guess that is the reason we age through life so we can learn.

I tried to go to an Art Fair today, I was by myself.  They are not nearly as fun when you don't have someone to share.  But the positive is that I tried.  As I say I'm a pack animal and like to travel with my pack so to go somewhere life that alone was a test.

I think I'm going to take a self defense class.  My life coaches school is offering one, the first hour you learn things to help defend yourself and the second hour you get to whale on a padded man.  Sounds like a way to learn stuff.

BirthdaIys

I celebrated another birthday over the weekend.  I don't feel my age in a lot of ways.  Folks tell me I don't look my age, this is good.  My daughter, son in law, adopted sister and husband went out Friday night to help me celebrate.  My son texted me on Friday wishing me an early birthday and wanted to go out to lunch on Sat to help me celebrate.  Sat. night I was with some friends I've know for over 40 years and they too wished me happy birthday.  Then I went to a party after Derby Dinner with my group of geek friends.  We had 8 birthdays in our group so they have one party to celebrate all the August babies.  I got to see most of the people important in my life in two days.  My Mom actually called me Friday night and again on Sat. to wish me Happy Birthday.  She often forgot my birthday and my ex started calling her to remind her.  I will admit my feeling were hurt when she forgot my birthday, I'm an only child so it shouldn't have been so hard to remember.

My life coach posted on my facebook a nice quote to look at my past year and do some reflecting.  I had 44 people wish me happy birthday, it was amazing.  I felt the love over the weekend, with cards, phone calls and messages I felt special.

August 6th

Today is the 34th anniversary of when I married.  I won't say I'm sorry I did it,  I had some good times and got two great kids out of it.  I feel like today should be a day of mourning.  I guess I'm the only one that remembers. I wish grief would stay gone.  It's a bit ironic that it is the anniversary of the atomic bomb.  I guess it wasn't the best day to pick.

Went to a single great get together last night.  It was nice,  the two guys I talked with I don't have much in common with.This trying to meet guys is very tough.  You ask the same questions, the guys I talked with are very nice but not my choice.  I guess I'll keep trying.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day.