Rambling

Just going to ramble and clear my mind a bit.
I know I have good life,  I have a great house to live in, I'm never hungry or cold.  I have enough to keep me in comfort.  I have a job, I have insurance, I have so many good friends.  I have family and friends who mean the world to me.  I'm not alone in the world.  I recognize joy and feel it on occasion.  I feel contentment and know that is a good space.  I'm working on improving myself and trying to find someone to be my life partner.  I know he is out there somewhere and if all goes well one day I will find him.

I burned 30 plus years of paperwork today.  I didn't want to shred it all so bought a brazier and went to town burning.  So know my eyes burn and I smell like smoke but that is a job complete.  I don't know why I felt it was the right thing to do to hang onto tax returns from 1974, who would ever need that, but it's moved with me every time I've moved.  I burned Mom's tax records and old checks.  So cleaned out a corner of a room and a corner of my mind.

My new car should be here in 2 to 4 weeks,  I'm getting excited.  Scared to take on a car payment but think it is the right thing to do. After all my last new car purchase has lasted 14 1/2 years, it still running but I'm suspecting repairs are in the near future so better to put the money into a new car than keep feeding it money.

Time change has my system all confused--my mind tells me it is later than it is now.  Guinness is confused, her belly is telling her that it's time to eat and get treats and Mom keeps saying it isn't time yet.

Forgiveness

Forgive- it's a hard thing to do.  I went to see some Tibetan relics today,  they do have an energy associated with them.  I find it hard sometimes to feel what other people in church feel.  I'm not sure what I'm suppose to be feeling, maybe I am and don't know it.  But that said there was a presence in the room with the relics.  I sat there and cleared my mind and the word that came to mind was forgive.  So I decided to try to forgive those I feel have hurt me.  I listed names and the tears came.  I don't know if this forgiveness will last  or if it was fleeting but it was a start.   Maybe the ills people have done to me are more in my perception not in reality.  I forgave someone for not being a friend any longer.  It still hurts that I lost a part of my life but apparently she couldn't get past the changes.  I forgave my ex for being a sad human being, the girl he cheated with I forgave her for being sucked into his charm, I forgave her for being stupid.  It doesn't mean I forget or that I would have a conversation with either of them, but I'm trying to understand they were human and stupid.

Am I?

Am I meant to be alone?  I'm beginning to think so.  I don't know where to meet someone new. I've been to a 40's+ social group for singles.  They are very nice people and I've had fun but they are not a dating group.  So this isn't the place to meet someone.  Almost all my friends are in relationships,  I'm glad for them but it hurts that I can't get into the same place.  I'm learning to like my aloneness.  It is either that or be unhappy all the time.  I'm not sure why my life is going into this direction.  This is not where I saw myself going in life.   I guess that is some of the reasons I stayed in the marriage so long.  That and I made a commitment to stay better or worse.    I know I can take care of myself,  take care of whatever needs to get done.  I've discovered a strength in myself that I didn't know was there.  So if that is the lesson I was suppose to learn I think I have.  I am self sufficient, if I don't know how to do something I find someone who can.  I've dealt with decisions that affect other peoples lives, not easy but I've done it.

Not a good person?

I've got something about myself I'm not proud of.  It is me, warts and all.  I've discovered this week that I don't wish my ex well. In fact I want him to be suffering.  He gave a party Sat. night that my son choose to attend rather than the one I threw.  It is childish and immature but it hurt my feelings.  I would never tell my son but it is how I feel.  I know after all the therapy that this is my ego ruling my thoughts and it is not attractive.  I'm human.  The one person who has hurt me worst than anyone else is still living and enjoying life.  It's not fair.  He got to keep his job and our company, he has remained in our dream house and he has replaced me at least two times and seems to be really enjoying life.  I'm petty enough to want him to be suffering some emotional pain and some discomfort in his life.    He also got to keep all of his family.  Logic would dictate he should keep his family, but I was a much better sister in law and daughter in law than he ever was as a brother or son.  But that doesn't matter.  Blood wins out.  I've been doing so well in moving on and finding my way so this is a set back and I will find my way out of this.  Just not yet.

Why do I?

Why do I let my son choosing to be with my ex make me so hurt?  I invited him to my Halloween party a month ago and he never let me know if he was coming or not.  Then tonight I spoke with him and he was telling me about the party up at his dad's.  I remember all the parties we held,  I guess the prospect of a hot tub and a bonfire out weights what I have to offer.  I also hear that my ex sister in laws were there.  Why do I let myself keep getting kicked by these emotions.  I guess I thought they were my family too.  I had been coping pretty well with the changes lately ad this just wants to make me sit and cry.  I think part of it is that I want the ex to be having an awful life and he isn't getting with my plan.  That is selfish of me but it is how I feel.

Saturday

It's beautiful Saturday but I'm choosing to spend it mostly inside.  Allergies are rather awful this year so less outside equals less stopped up head and sneezing.

Sitting inside brings a new set of thoughts.  The tradition that is ending has been weighting on my mind.  Was there anything I could have done differently that would have made us both more comfortable is being around each other.  The ease that we used to have seemed to disappear after the divorce happened.  I didn't think our friendship was hinged on me being married to her brother.  Is it the uncomfortable feelings we both seemed to get when we tried to be friends?  I've got another tradition that I've got to figure out what to do with.  We have been passing a friendship ball back and forth since the early 90's,  this year I'm it.  I have to find something small enough to fit into the ball and somehow find a way to give it to her.  I doubt that I'll see her during the holidays.  Even if he goes to Florida I doubt that I will feel comfortable enough to join them Christmas Eve.  I'm just out of the loop on their lives.  So do I continue the tradition or do I just let it drop.  I hate to be the one to make it a final ending.  I hate endings apparently.  I have started new traditions and this year making candy could be one with different people.  Decisions are hard to make sometimes.

October Begins

It looks another fall is settling in, leaves are changing colors and dropping to the ground.  Fall allergies have raised their ugly selves.  Halloween decorations are appearing at peoples houses.  I passed a house in downtown Louisville today that had 11 different inflatables in their small back yard.  Inflatables are not my idea of decorations but some people seem to be in love with them.  I'm sad as usual to see Sunday come to an end. Not looking forward to going to work tomorrow but then again I don't usually don't want to go to work.  I really need to work on getting a new job next year.  I keep thinking about going to Mexico next year and it sounds so wonderful.  It's getting dark so much earlier now days,  the time change looms and I really wished they would leave the time alone, it messes so much with the biological clock.  My mood has been swinging back and forth.  I'm good then something triggers a sad period then back to OK.  I wish life was easier.

I saw my Mom this weekend.  It's sad to see her getting old and frail.  She holds it together pretty well with most people but seems to let it go with me.  I wish our relationship could have been better but we were not able to make it go that way.

I've decided that some people are meant to be in your life for a short period of time, others for a long period.  Some people I've had in my life for many years are now starting to drift away.  It was a somewhat mutual decision.  A traditional started in the 80's  coming to an end.  Divorce will do that even to the closest of friends when they are both friend and in law family..  So it's up to me to make my new traditions, which I'm working on.