Reflections of Time

I realize after having a birthday that time is speeding by way to fast.  I don't feel my age and don't want to be grouped with the elders in my age group.  I want to have fun and enjoy my life,  it's about time I do.  I wish I had the wisdom I have gained about 20 years ago but I guess that is the reason we age through life so we can learn.

I tried to go to an Art Fair today, I was by myself.  They are not nearly as fun when you don't have someone to share.  But the positive is that I tried.  As I say I'm a pack animal and like to travel with my pack so to go somewhere life that alone was a test.

I think I'm going to take a self defense class.  My life coaches school is offering one, the first hour you learn things to help defend yourself and the second hour you get to whale on a padded man.  Sounds like a way to learn stuff.

BirthdaIys

I celebrated another birthday over the weekend.  I don't feel my age in a lot of ways.  Folks tell me I don't look my age, this is good.  My daughter, son in law, adopted sister and husband went out Friday night to help me celebrate.  My son texted me on Friday wishing me an early birthday and wanted to go out to lunch on Sat to help me celebrate.  Sat. night I was with some friends I've know for over 40 years and they too wished me happy birthday.  Then I went to a party after Derby Dinner with my group of geek friends.  We had 8 birthdays in our group so they have one party to celebrate all the August babies.  I got to see most of the people important in my life in two days.  My Mom actually called me Friday night and again on Sat. to wish me Happy Birthday.  She often forgot my birthday and my ex started calling her to remind her.  I will admit my feeling were hurt when she forgot my birthday, I'm an only child so it shouldn't have been so hard to remember.

My life coach posted on my facebook a nice quote to look at my past year and do some reflecting.  I had 44 people wish me happy birthday, it was amazing.  I felt the love over the weekend, with cards, phone calls and messages I felt special.

August 6th

Today is the 34th anniversary of when I married.  I won't say I'm sorry I did it,  I had some good times and got two great kids out of it.  I feel like today should be a day of mourning.  I guess I'm the only one that remembers. I wish grief would stay gone.  It's a bit ironic that it is the anniversary of the atomic bomb.  I guess it wasn't the best day to pick.

Went to a single great get together last night.  It was nice,  the two guys I talked with I don't have much in common with.This trying to meet guys is very tough.  You ask the same questions, the guys I talked with are very nice but not my choice.  I guess I'll keep trying.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

One Step forward

I was very pleased with myself the last week or so.  I felt more positive about life than I have in a while.  For some reason the bubble started popping last night.  No reason just started on the down side of mood.  Got through today pretty well but tonight have the feeling of impending disaster.  No basis just the mood.  I realize a big trigger day is looming but thought it would be ok.  Maybe it's not ok.  Grief has no expiration date.  It doesn't say it's been 3 years all gone.  I'll keep working the program, positive thoughts and try to move beyond the negative.  I'm tired,  that could be part of the reason.  The weather, lack of caffeine and not sleeping as much as I apparently need to is taking its toll.

I'm going out to meet a single group again on Friday night.  Then Sunday out with my family I choose friends.  Sat. is the 34th anniversary of when I married the heel.  I should celebrate that I'm no longer with him.  The more  people open up about him and tell me things I wonder how I stayed so in the dark about the real him.  He was a great actor around me.  Again, I need to forgive myself for being so blind about him.  I used a service man we had used and he had talked with the ex and said to me,  he's not very nice is he?  Two realtors  also found he wasn't the nicest of people.  Why didn't I see this?

The positives--I have a job so I can pay my bills and have a place to live.  I have a large wonderful puppy who loves me unconditionally as I love her.  I have so many wonderful groups of friends each with different view points and thoughts,  I'm challenged by them, they have stood by me in all my moods and issues.  I've got my Mom in a safe and good place for her.  Maybe not what either of us thought would happen but it's the best for her and me.  I have sight, hearing, smell, touch, my aches and pains are with me but I can live with them.  They are bearable.  So all in all my life is good.  It helps to put it all down and see how much good I have in my life.

Sunday's

Sundays are almost always tough days.  I had a wonderful Sat. with the person I've chosen to be my sister.  It is hard when you are an only child.  As you get older the family you had disappears or at least in my case.  I lost my Dad 38 years ago, various aunts and uncles had passed away,  cousins I had a relationship with have faded as the developed their own families.  I had married into a big extended family and always enjoyed it, but that too is fading, too hard to be comfortable with each other.  A sister but not since there are other women he brings around.  I have my kids for the biological family but have crafted a core group of friends who are the family I choose.  We even celebrate Christmas as the family you choose.  This will be the third year we have a breakfast supper on Christmas evening.  I also have a Thanksgiving on the Sat. before the actual holiday so the core group usually has time to gather as a crafted family.  This means a lot to me,  family is so critical to me.  I feel lost if I don't have it.  I guess I could never have been a loner.

So enough about the wonderful Sat.  Sunday, go to church and pick up pieces of thoughts that I have to digest and think about.  Some of it I keep and some of it I leave.  The dogma that Unity has lets you pick what resonates with you and discard the rest.  Then I go to see Mom,  I get there and look in the dining room then go to her room and she isn't there.  The nurse tells me that someone checked her out and took her to Comfy Cow.  I probe a bit and find out one of her sisters took her out.  I went to Comfy Cow and couldn't find them.  So I left the clothes, new sweater and fresh tomatoes on her bed and went to run the errands I needed to get done.  Sprint went well even if it took a while.  They were able to switch old phones stuff to the new phone.  Then gas and came home.  After vegging awhile I decide it was cool enough to cut grass, that is done for another week.  But as the hours tick by to bedtime it depresses me to think work starts in less than 12 hours.  I think I'm suppose to stay at this job a while longer.  I've been looking for a couple of months and nothing is happening.  Maybe I'm not done with whatever I'm suppose to take from this experience.

I wish I could find more joy in life, most the time it seems to be just existing.

What the heck?

In a fairly good mood most of the day,  still dealing with house selling issues.  The repairman the agent had contacted couldn't come tonight and check it out.  She is going to try to find two other people so we can compare bids.  The repair guy had too many calls today.  I can understand, this house is empty so the walls dont care how hot it gets so if I was a person without air I would want priority   It just makes this stretch out longer.  I don't want the buyers to change their minds.  So that was a bump in the road.

I had some serious therapy on my neck, shoulders, arms and elbows today.  I had an hour with the OT, he worked me over.  I have some pretty bruises on my back, neck and shoulders.  I can't tell on the arms yet.  It hurts at this point to lift my arms.  Hopefully some of the work he did will loosen up the tangles and knots.  I sure hope so. I am in pain most of the time, it is just a matter of degree.  I tell them I'm always a two on the scale with spikes up to 5.  When using your arm to push yourself out of bed gives you a sharp pain it is never good.

So my mood took a dive tonight,  I don't know if it is stress from the house, pain from the body or another one of those trigger days.  I don't know why those days that remind me of my past life keep pricking at my mind.  You would think I would get over it.  I am over it a lot but I guess it reminds me of what I had thought my future was going to be and now I'm remaking it.  I wish I had more in my life, a companion is what I am missing.  Dating is hard and it is very hard to figure out where to start.  Sometimes I wish they had matchmakers -let them put people together and see if it works.
I think I am going to go and count my blessings which are many and good.  Good night world

A bit surprised

that the weekend turned out better than I expected.  It had a minefield in there and I kept busy and didn't even think much about it.  The only down thing was when I watched "Marley and Me"  good movie and I could identify with what a lab is like.  Morgan and Marley had a lot in common in some ways.  Labs have a way of being unlike any other dogs.  Guinness is different in she is a herder not a retriever and her mental is just her own.  Good news was I had an acceptable offer on Mom's house, thank goodness.  It's been since November that it has been for sale.  So if it can pass the inspections they want and not ask for any repairs it should be theirs by Aug. 15th.

My mood the last couple of days has been calm and easy.  This is wonderful to me.  Maybe I've turned a corner?