Stupid Head

OK, my broken record keeps playing.  I just don't understand how I could have done things right and have had someone treat me so wrong.  All I did was love and care and I got repaid by lying, cheating and abuse.  I think of where I was 4 years ago, this is the day I did battle because he wanted to cheat me out of a company we had built.  He didn't want to share like our separation agreement,  he opened up a whole separate company to run business from starting in Nov.  He was willing to change the name and take all the money for work he and I did together and cut me out.  I've cried buckets and buckets of tears.  I'mnot sure how a person can cry to much.  This is on top of cheating on the marriage and lying lying lying.  I didn't embrace all the things he wanted to do but I didn't mind when he rode the motorcycle, went to bike nights and rally's.  I was glad it made him happy.  It was adding a woman into that mix who molded herself to what he liked that tipped the scale. I was tired of being alone on weekends and having his mind and money going to his hobby.  I have to say at one point he offered to take a trip through the mountains in a convertible so I could go along.  The problem with that was he would have resented me for not riding the bike.  I know how he was when he wasn't happy,  he made everyone else around him unhappy.  I want to know why it matters so much to understand why he thought what he did was acceptable behavior,  he gave me the speech of it's not you it's me, that just sounds like a bunch of crock.  I want to know if the girl he had an affair with was the first or just one of many.  I want to know how he could have been so cruel.  I'll not get the answers I feel would help me move forward.  He is playing a good game for his family and my kids right now.  I don't think that skunk could change his stripe,  I think he is just covering for right now.  He lost a lot of respect from people during our divorce and must feel the need to redeem himself in his family.  They were so angry with him,  but that has died down and I've been replaced with the last girlfriend who he has had for over 2 years.  The I never want to be married has settled down with a woman and seems to have made some sort of commitment to her since he is living with her when he was in town.  The bad thing is I'm living a half life waiting to find a someone to join me in my life, I just feel we are better as  a pair. I'm lonely and never wanted to live alone.  I always wanted to be married to my love and here I am alone.  I want a partner but I'm afraid at the same time.  My baggage is in many suitcases and I need to be clearing them out but it is a difficult job.  I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this,  how can I trust someone when the one I trusted abused my trust so badly.

Life Is?

Life is Hard.

Life is Challenging

Life is opportunity

Life is interesting

Life is ???

Trying to figure out what life is and is suppose to be.  I sure am not where I thought I would be at this stage of life.  The vision I had has nothing to do with the reality I'm facing.  I'm getting older ad getting fearful about being able to take care of myself.  Money is a big issue,  I have some put away but with costs going up and insurance being sky high to afford am I going to be be able to make it.  It is easier when there are two.  A partnership one helping another when they are down.  I'm going through the grocery the other night and thought I hate shopping for one.  I am beginning to hate cooking for one.  I'm losing the desire and ability to cook for myself.  Why go for a meal when a sandwich is easier?  Are we engineered to be part of a set or a couple?  Is that why I'm having such a hard time moving from the place I'm stuck?  I am paralyzed by fear.  I don't know what to do and it takes too much energy to try and do something to propel me on the path I want to be on.  I'm starting to understand my Mom just a bit after my Dad died.  It was easier to not participate in life then have to use all the energy you have getting through the day.  I'm not going to give up like she did, but I do have an small insight into why you would.    I don't feel well.  Not sure if it physical or mental or a little of both.  New medicine kicking my butt,  I didn't take it tonight,  I've got a job interview tomorrow and don't need to be ill and trying to get through that.  Not sure this is a good job--they have only been in business a year and that concerns me.  I've been thinking a lot about my inner child--my core or whatever it is called.  Why do I always think I'm wrong,  that I never get it right.  Is the voices that have filled my life- Mom --ex Husband.  Your not enough, your lazy, your wrong, your stupid, your fat, your hair is wrong, you spend too much money.  And so on and so on.  I try so hard to get it right but it just doesn't seem to be enough.  I love with all my heart and try to be a good person.  I work hard and keep up my end of the bargains.  So what have I done to end up alone and starting over at this age.  For some reason age is bothering me a lot lately.

Why do we?

Why do we humans long so much for love?  Love from a child, pet or friend works.  What makes us lovable or unlovable?  Is it right that we are sometimes expected to change from who we are to what someone else wants to make us lovable?   Then if we do that do we lose the self love we must have for ourselves.   Self love sounds selfish but I think you must have it.  Sometimes I don't love my "inner child" enough.  This is when the self doubts creep in and make me doubt that I am "lovable"  This is the point where I tend toward depression,  when my heart hurts and tears flow.  I hope I am lovable.  I've lost family and more family in the last couple of years, my ex in laws and for some reason the only blood family I have left on my Mom's side.  I don't think I did any thing wrong but I'm sensitive about this for some reason.  I guess because the man I thought was the love of my life was able to discard me so easily.  I wish I could ask the questions and get real answers not what he thinks would be the right answer.  I'm really tired of the not you it is me,  it wasn't anything you did and so on.

Losing it

How do you know when you are losing our mind?  I keep wondering what I have done to cause my life to spiral in this direction.  Nothing seems to be going right,  the last four years have been full of stress and problems.  Tonight my Mom calls, (third time this week) I need kleenex day one,  I need snacks, I'm out (I tried to leave the ones I bought her last week but no she said no take them home-so I did)  Today it was bring me graham crackers-(they are good for the bowels) more than I wanted to know about bowels.   I'll see her tomorrow and be glad that is off my plate for this week.  I often wonder if some of why things are going right is Karma's way of smacking me for not being a better person -not really wanting to take care of my Mom.  Could it be that?  I'm just not sure.  I really don't think I'm a bad person. I try hard to be kind and do the right thing.  I got another job rejection today,  I really didn't get a chance for an interview-they have already filled the position.  They will keep me in mind if there is anything comes up.  This is my 3rd recruiter working for me.  It will happen.  It just keeps my life uncertain.

I want to enjoy my vacation in a week and 1/2.   I have plans to do some things to my house,  I hope I have the energy and my pain is at an acceptable level.   I'm really tired of the pain-mental and physical.

Holidays

I'm already at a really low point.  The holidays are approaching and I am already have lots of pain in my soul.  It is almost like it was two years ago.  I feel like I was replaced so easily.  I lost my spot in the world.  Wife, mother, part of a large happy family, future leader of the women of family.  Now I have core group of family that I have created,  they are so worth it but it still causes me so much pain when I read about my ex family getting together to plan Thanksgiving celebrations.  This was my job that  I so enjoyed.  It gave my holidays meaning.  I read on facebook that they are meeting at my ex's girlfriends (of over 2 years) house to plan the day.  For a man who didn't want the family roots that were so important to me, he got it all.  My Thanksgiving day consists of being with my demented mother.  Right now I'm not sure what I'm going to do with her.  Cousins usually invite us but haven't heard anything,  at least if I go there they keep her occupied and I don't have the total responsibility.   My kids most likely will be with the Robbins,  ouch it hurts but that is the tradition they know.  I still want to know what I did in the marriage to cause him to choose the way he treated me.  Was I not loving enough,  did I not pay enough attention to him,  was my distaste for his hobbies  the straw that broke all he told me about loving me forever.  I have a really hard time listening to love songs because they seem like such a crock.  How could the man who the Thursday told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever on Tuesday say he didn't want to be married anymore.   I just don't understand.  

I think I have a lot to offer the right guy,  I have so much love to offer.  I have a good heart.  Why am I so alone?

I think the health issues have caused some of this pain.  High blood pressure, cataracts and breast reduction revision have all happened in the last week.  I'm not sleeping well and got Lunesta,  my god how much medicine costs.  The new BP medicine and the Lunesta cost 120.00 with insurance for 30 pills of each, so 2.00 a pill.  With the other 4 prescriptions I have my medicine costs have taken a bite out of my budget.

Just another thing to stress about.

Love Never?

I think maybe I'm meant to be alone.  Maybe that is my fate.  Not what I envisioned, not what I really want but maybe that is the way it is suppose to be.  I just got to thinking about it today and maybe I'm fighting against karma-fate or whatever.  I've been alone over 4 years,  I wish I could have found the right man,  just don't know where to look.  Maybe I'll stop driving myself to being unhappy if I just give up.  I kept hoping I would find someone to share all the good things in life with.  I hoped I would have someone to be with n New Year's Eve, parties, birthdays, holidays and just everyday life.

My mood has dropped into the floor. I had a really good Friday night with friends, Sat. some more friends stopped by and we had dinner together.  So that was the good part.  Today I've sat too much, watched too much TV and brooded too much.  I had every intention of doing come fall cleaning today,  Taking one room and cleaning from top to bottom.  I just couldn't summon up the energy. I feel oddly guilty when I don't do something, reading and playing on the computer seems wasteful.

So as I get tired and night falls I get sad.  I wonder if I will ever get another job,  I wonder if I will ever find a man to love me as I deserve to be loved,  I wonder if life will ever have less stress, I wonder if my aches and pains will ever subside.  All questions that I don't have the answers to.  I wish I knew the answers.

I did mange to pick some books and movies to put into the give away pile.  So not a totally wasted day.