Tonight I feel somewhat lost.  My mood if iffy at best and depressed at worst.  I thought I made a lot of progress especially this last weekend.  I faced a huge fear-probably the biggest one I've have ever faced and came out with new insight.  The feelings I thought I would have didn't happen, in fact there was no real  reaction at all.  I thought there might be anger, hurt and maybe a spark of a feeling but zip, nada, zero.  I still didn't want to be in the same space but it was the first time in 2 1/2 years we were that close in the same house.  I've been so angry but maybe I've moved past that.  Still I can regret and remember the past.  I still wish I had answers to many questions but I thing maybe he is so shallow he won't know the answers.  So why am I lost.  There is no going back and not sure what the future will hold.  Is what I have now all there will be?  I've got family and friends, my life isn't one of a hermit.  I have a job, not enjoying it but it helps pay the bills.  My son convinced me to send a resume and cover letter to him to turn in at his work.  It is a great company and no more crossing the bridge.  We'll see if anything pans out.  After the first of the year and some minor surgery I will be really ready to change jobs,  it's getting to the point where a devil I don't know will be better than the devil I do.  Holidays always seem to bring out the blues for me.  I can't seem to have the kind of holidays my heart wants,  I think the heart is being unrealistic but it does what it wishes.  I had an angel whisperer tell me "You are suppose to be here"  how odd that was to hear since there have been occasions I haven't wanted to be in the world.  If it wasn't for the responsibilities I have I may not have made it.  So now I try not to let it get so far where not being alive is better than being here.  It freaks me out a bit that a stranger and angels who do not know my life tells me that.  The other statement was" You will never get what you want from your Mother"  It just confirmed what I already knew but hard to hear it from someone else.  My Mom gets what she wants from me all the time.  Tonight was "I need toothpaste"  I just took her a tube about a month ago,  I think she must eat toothpaste.  So I'm a supplier and a laundry maid.  I'm trying to take it in stride.

Dating is hard

I've been talking with a guy on OK Cupid for a couple of weeks, tonight we got down to really talking. I find out he is separated but still living with his wife.  I sort of understand that, since I had to live with my ex for a while.  But there is not any progress on getting the divorce and the kids don't know.  I'm not willing to get into that drama and told him I wasn't comfortable with the situation and if he sorted it out I would like to talk again.  I think I made him mad but so what.  Lots of fish in the sea but most of them I think I would throw back.

Rambling

Just going to ramble and clear my mind a bit.
I know I have good life,  I have a great house to live in, I'm never hungry or cold.  I have enough to keep me in comfort.  I have a job, I have insurance, I have so many good friends.  I have family and friends who mean the world to me.  I'm not alone in the world.  I recognize joy and feel it on occasion.  I feel contentment and know that is a good space.  I'm working on improving myself and trying to find someone to be my life partner.  I know he is out there somewhere and if all goes well one day I will find him.

I burned 30 plus years of paperwork today.  I didn't want to shred it all so bought a brazier and went to town burning.  So know my eyes burn and I smell like smoke but that is a job complete.  I don't know why I felt it was the right thing to do to hang onto tax returns from 1974, who would ever need that, but it's moved with me every time I've moved.  I burned Mom's tax records and old checks.  So cleaned out a corner of a room and a corner of my mind.

My new car should be here in 2 to 4 weeks,  I'm getting excited.  Scared to take on a car payment but think it is the right thing to do. After all my last new car purchase has lasted 14 1/2 years, it still running but I'm suspecting repairs are in the near future so better to put the money into a new car than keep feeding it money.

Time change has my system all confused--my mind tells me it is later than it is now.  Guinness is confused, her belly is telling her that it's time to eat and get treats and Mom keeps saying it isn't time yet.

Forgiveness

Forgive- it's a hard thing to do.  I went to see some Tibetan relics today,  they do have an energy associated with them.  I find it hard sometimes to feel what other people in church feel.  I'm not sure what I'm suppose to be feeling, maybe I am and don't know it.  But that said there was a presence in the room with the relics.  I sat there and cleared my mind and the word that came to mind was forgive.  So I decided to try to forgive those I feel have hurt me.  I listed names and the tears came.  I don't know if this forgiveness will last  or if it was fleeting but it was a start.   Maybe the ills people have done to me are more in my perception not in reality.  I forgave someone for not being a friend any longer.  It still hurts that I lost a part of my life but apparently she couldn't get past the changes.  I forgave my ex for being a sad human being, the girl he cheated with I forgave her for being sucked into his charm, I forgave her for being stupid.  It doesn't mean I forget or that I would have a conversation with either of them, but I'm trying to understand they were human and stupid.

Am I?

Am I meant to be alone?  I'm beginning to think so.  I don't know where to meet someone new. I've been to a 40's+ social group for singles.  They are very nice people and I've had fun but they are not a dating group.  So this isn't the place to meet someone.  Almost all my friends are in relationships,  I'm glad for them but it hurts that I can't get into the same place.  I'm learning to like my aloneness.  It is either that or be unhappy all the time.  I'm not sure why my life is going into this direction.  This is not where I saw myself going in life.   I guess that is some of the reasons I stayed in the marriage so long.  That and I made a commitment to stay better or worse.    I know I can take care of myself,  take care of whatever needs to get done.  I've discovered a strength in myself that I didn't know was there.  So if that is the lesson I was suppose to learn I think I have.  I am self sufficient, if I don't know how to do something I find someone who can.  I've dealt with decisions that affect other peoples lives, not easy but I've done it.