Tonight I feel somewhat lost.  My mood if iffy at best and depressed at worst.  I thought I made a lot of progress especially this last weekend.  I faced a huge fear-probably the biggest one I've have ever faced and came out with new insight.  The feelings I thought I would have didn't happen, in fact there was no real  reaction at all.  I thought there might be anger, hurt and maybe a spark of a feeling but zip, nada, zero.  I still didn't want to be in the same space but it was the first time in 2 1/2 years we were that close in the same house.  I've been so angry but maybe I've moved past that.  Still I can regret and remember the past.  I still wish I had answers to many questions but I thing maybe he is so shallow he won't know the answers.  So why am I lost.  There is no going back and not sure what the future will hold.  Is what I have now all there will be?  I've got family and friends, my life isn't one of a hermit.  I have a job, not enjoying it but it helps pay the bills.  My son convinced me to send a resume and cover letter to him to turn in at his work.  It is a great company and no more crossing the bridge.  We'll see if anything pans out.  After the first of the year and some minor surgery I will be really ready to change jobs,  it's getting to the point where a devil I don't know will be better than the devil I do.  Holidays always seem to bring out the blues for me.  I can't seem to have the kind of holidays my heart wants,  I think the heart is being unrealistic but it does what it wishes.  I had an angel whisperer tell me "You are suppose to be here"  how odd that was to hear since there have been occasions I haven't wanted to be in the world.  If it wasn't for the responsibilities I have I may not have made it.  So now I try not to let it get so far where not being alive is better than being here.  It freaks me out a bit that a stranger and angels who do not know my life tells me that.  The other statement was" You will never get what you want from your Mother"  It just confirmed what I already knew but hard to hear it from someone else.  My Mom gets what she wants from me all the time.  Tonight was "I need toothpaste"  I just took her a tube about a month ago,  I think she must eat toothpaste.  So I'm a supplier and a laundry maid.  I'm trying to take it in stride.