Christmas Eve

OK another Christmas Eve, different from last year but trying hard to find a "right" Christmas Eve.  Took Mom out to lunch,  I really really don't like to take her out of the home but felt she might enjoy a lunch out, not sure she did,  She doesn't do well in crowded noisy places so we take her to Wild Eggs,  very loud with lots of people.  Why does she start whispering in places like that.  I can't hear her or understand her.  I'm thankful my daughter, son and son in law went with me, it made it a lot better than just the two of us.  Tonight going to brave going to my in-laws, Erin, Chris and Mike will be there also,  so I won't feel so alone.  He will be there with his girlfriend so a bit of discomfort on my part.  But I'm strong and will do fine.  Then Christmas Morning, thought about going to church but not sure if I will, maybe sleep late so it won't seem so strange waking up alone,  I'm not fond of this alone time,  I'll have Guinness if I don't beat her first, durn dog seems to know when I screw up and leave something she isn't suppose to have where she can get it. So Christmas at my daughters tomorrow will be fun with friends. :)

Holidays Part 2

Sitting here tonight watching "Christmas Vacation" very funny movie and generally I laugh a lot but not tonight.  Not sure why my mood is on the edge and taking a turn into sadness. I'm trying so hard to fight this, I want this holiday to be better than the last 3.  I spoke with a old friend tonight,  she is a friend of my dad and mom.  But she calls and makes me feel better.  She has told me I'm strong and did the right thing to place my Mom in the nursing home.  I have to think that since she is a contempory of my Mom, both of them soon to turn 85and she has known me since I was born that she can real me a bit.  She told me I sounded sad in my Christmas card-- I thought I was upbeat.  She said I sounded much better tonight.  I am better, stronger but have lost some of the wonder of the season.  It's just different now, more of a chore in a lot of ways.  There are so many people who hurt during this season.  Relationships are hard to connect during this Hallmark holiday.  They make it look so easy, everyone happy and getting along,  but not in real life.  I'm on vacation and my boss calls, we talk 1  1/2 hours on how bad the place where I work is.  Things that others don't know,  the people I work with better sit up and take notice.  This are really bad on the money side and if it doesn't turn around I'm not sure any of us will have a job.  Just what I need to have to take the first job offered me when I start looking.  Wish I could find something I enjoyed doing.  Not enough joy in life if your job sucks,  I spend way too much time at the job to be unhappy,  the job I have now is getting to that point.