Rerun

My emotions seem to be in a rerun state.  I thought I had moved past so much.  But again I feel like I'm grieving what was or what I thought it was.  I think about the ex and wonder if I still care for him.  One thing I'm sure of is that if he wanted back in my life it would be a resounding NO.  There is no way I could ever want to be with him, I could never trust him or be safe with him.  So that said why do I keep looking backward?  I'm going to Mexico which is my happy spot in the world.  I'll be with people I love.  I can't seem to lose the pain in my soul. I keep getting the repeating words in my head "unlovable, unlovable, unlovable"  I know I have people who love me, but I don't have the partner in life that I need.  How to find an answer to this I don't have a clue.  The socializers over 40 are a very nice group of people but I don't find a connection with any of them.  Going to bars-not the place to find someone.  Internet dating is just creepy.  So I'm not sure how I'm suppose to find someone.

I have been again getting feelings that I don't want to be in the world,  I guess I will have to talk with the counselor about that again.  This too feels like a rerun,  it just keeps popping up in my head.  I know I'll still be around, I have responsibility that I can't abandon :(

Being Loved.

I had thought I moved through the phase of wondering why my ex stopped loving me.  I wonder the last week or so why I became unlovable to him.  What happened to the promises he made to love me forever, grow old together, retire and sit on the porch in rocking chairs and enjoy the view?  All turned to ashes and swept away.  I wondered why this particular demon raised up again,  I then realized that Feb 3rd was the anniversary of my divorce being final.  3 years.  I have come a long way so why do I wonder why I'm so unlovable?  I guess I thought I might have found someone to love me and be loved in return by this point.  I can't even find dates, I don't even know where to look.  Am I destined to spend the rest of my life going to things alone and coming home to me, myself and I?  I don't need someone to complete me but someone to compliment me.  I'm going to Mexico, again, by myself,  the lone wheel in the world of couples.  But if I don't go alone I won't get to go at all. There are times I wish I could ask questions of the ex but not sure I would get answers.  Not sure he knows the answers.  Why did you cheat on me,  was I so lacking in something you were looking for.  Did I change too much or not enough?  I know you told me it was you not me but that just doesn't ring true.  I know there is no way nor would I want to be together again.  I know we were not the happiest the last 2 years or so.  Was there a way to fix it?  Probably not.  How long had you been carrying on with other women?  Did you even think how much you would hurt me?  One of your statements was that you didn't think I cared,  I just can't understand how you ever would have thought that.  You said you would have given up 2 wheels for 4 if I had just said yes.  I know how when you didn't like something you made no pretense to be enjoying yourself, so I can't imagine exchanging the motorcycle for a convertible would have worked.  You were so enamoured with your motorcycle.  I was competing with that as well has a 25 year old.  Did I have a chance of winning?  I doubt it.  Why can't I get past this?