My emotions seem to be in a rerun state. I thought I had moved past so much. But again I feel like I'm grieving what was or what I thought it was. I think about the ex and wonder if I still care for him. One thing I'm sure of is that if he wanted back in my life it would be a resounding NO. There is no way I could ever want to be with him, I could never trust him or be safe with him. So that said why do I keep looking backward? I'm going to Mexico which is my happy spot in the world. I'll be with people I love. I can't seem to lose the pain in my soul. I keep getting the repeating words in my head "unlovable, unlovable, unlovable" I know I have people who love me, but I don't have the partner in life that I need. How to find an answer to this I don't have a clue. The socializers over 40 are a very nice group of people but I don't find a connection with any of them. Going to bars-not the place to find someone. Internet dating is just creepy. So I'm not sure how I'm suppose to find someone.
I have been again getting feelings that I don't want to be in the world, I guess I will have to talk with the counselor about that again. This too feels like a rerun, it just keeps popping up in my head. I know I'll still be around, I have responsibility that I can't abandon :(
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