Just to clear my head

Tonight I need to clear my head.

I am tired of hurting and trying to understand healing is what it is.  It takes as long as it takes.  At least I'm healing, right now no extra surgery so that is good.  I like the results and think when all heals and I feel normal again it will be all good.

I'm tired of acting strong.  I would like to be coddled sometimes.  But I feel the need to not need the extra attention.  I don't want to be like my Mom and expect to be taken care of so I tend to go the other way and not want help.

I want to have my soul mate in my life.  I don't want to live life waiting on something good to happen.  I'm getting older and don't know how many years I have left to live life.  I need to make a plan.  If I only knew which way to go.

I need a new job,  the one I have is so toxic that it is hard to go to work everyday  I am bored and don't enjoy what I do.  The problem is what I do is the only marketable skill I have.  I'm applying in hopes to find something that is at least tolerable.

My Mom.,  I must learn and continue to not let her push my buttons.  She is so good at it even in the early stages of dementia.  I have made every effort to have a different life.  I must continue so I don't end up lonely and bitter.

I must learn to accept my body.  It is mine and will be mine until I'm gone.  I must accept my weight.  I must accept my aging.  It is what it is.

I must let go of the past.  I've learned some lessons from the past.  I need to stop thinking about it so much.  It hits when I'm tired and stressed.  I want to forget what has happened,  I don't want to dream about it any more.  I want the thoughts about the ex to be gone.  I want karma to bite him on the ass hard.  I have reconciled myself to what has happened and I know I should forgive the wrongs I feel he has done to me.

I wish I could be whole, healthy and sane.  Maybe one day.:\

Time passes slowly sometimes

When your trying to heal and get back into the normal life mode, time moves very slowly.  I'm going to a once a year event on Sat.  I don't want to miss it but worry that my energy will run out way too soon.  I think I'll be finding spots to sit and rest.  I hate not being able to do all that I want.  I didn't think this surgery would take so much out and have so much trouble getting it back.  I love the look of my IBT's but still have pain and sores.  I don't get to see the PS for another week and a half.  I hope everything heals ok.  I'm scared of complications and scarring.  So far the blood supply seems to be good to all the areas,  just have some bad spots and sores that aren't healing as well as I would hope.

I talked with my counselor on Thursday and he helped me to understand why I seem to be more depressed.  Hopefully it will lift soon.  This is a bane of my life.  I seem to fall into this in cycles.  I want a different life in a lot of ways,  I want a new job, I want someone in my life who will be my partner,  I want to enjoy life.  This doesn't seem to me to be unattainable, I just need to figure out how.