Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Stupid Head
OK, my broken record keeps playing. I just don't understand how I could have done things right and have had someone treat me so wrong. All I did was love and care and I got repaid by lying, cheating and abuse. I think of where I was 4 years ago, this is the day I did battle because he wanted to cheat me out of a company we had built. He didn't want to share like our separation agreement, he opened up a whole separate company to run business from starting in Nov. He was willing to change the name and take all the money for work he and I did together and cut me out. I've cried buckets and buckets of tears. I'mnot sure how a person can cry to much. This is on top of cheating on the marriage and lying lying lying. I didn't embrace all the things he wanted to do but I didn't mind when he rode the motorcycle, went to bike nights and rally's. I was glad it made him happy. It was adding a woman into that mix who molded herself to what he liked that tipped the scale. I was tired of being alone on weekends and having his mind and money going to his hobby. I have to say at one point he offered to take a trip through the mountains in a convertible so I could go along. The problem with that was he would have resented me for not riding the bike. I know how he was when he wasn't happy, he made everyone else around him unhappy. I want to know why it matters so much to understand why he thought what he did was acceptable behavior, he gave me the speech of it's not you it's me, that just sounds like a bunch of crock. I want to know if the girl he had an affair with was the first or just one of many. I want to know how he could have been so cruel. I'll not get the answers I feel would help me move forward. He is playing a good game for his family and my kids right now. I don't think that skunk could change his stripe, I think he is just covering for right now. He lost a lot of respect from people during our divorce and must feel the need to redeem himself in his family. They were so angry with him, but that has died down and I've been replaced with the last girlfriend who he has had for over 2 years. The I never want to be married has settled down with a woman and seems to have made some sort of commitment to her since he is living with her when he was in town. The bad thing is I'm living a half life waiting to find a someone to join me in my life, I just feel we are better as a pair. I'm lonely and never wanted to live alone. I always wanted to be married to my love and here I am alone. I want a partner but I'm afraid at the same time. My baggage is in many suitcases and I need to be clearing them out but it is a difficult job. I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this, how can I trust someone when the one I trusted abused my trust so badly.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Life Is?
Life is Hard.
Life is Challenging
Life is opportunity
Life is interesting
Life is ???
Trying to figure out what life is and is suppose to be. I sure am not where I thought I would be at this stage of life. The vision I had has nothing to do with the reality I'm facing. I'm getting older ad getting fearful about being able to take care of myself. Money is a big issue, I have some put away but with costs going up and insurance being sky high to afford am I going to be be able to make it. It is easier when there are two. A partnership one helping another when they are down. I'm going through the grocery the other night and thought I hate shopping for one. I am beginning to hate cooking for one. I'm losing the desire and ability to cook for myself. Why go for a meal when a sandwich is easier? Are we engineered to be part of a set or a couple? Is that why I'm having such a hard time moving from the place I'm stuck? I am paralyzed by fear. I don't know what to do and it takes too much energy to try and do something to propel me on the path I want to be on. I'm starting to understand my Mom just a bit after my Dad died. It was easier to not participate in life then have to use all the energy you have getting through the day. I'm not going to give up like she did, but I do have an small insight into why you would. I don't feel well. Not sure if it physical or mental or a little of both. New medicine kicking my butt, I didn't take it tonight, I've got a job interview tomorrow and don't need to be ill and trying to get through that. Not sure this is a good job--they have only been in business a year and that concerns me. I've been thinking a lot about my inner child--my core or whatever it is called. Why do I always think I'm wrong, that I never get it right. Is the voices that have filled my life- Mom --ex Husband. Your not enough, your lazy, your wrong, your stupid, your fat, your hair is wrong, you spend too much money. And so on and so on. I try so hard to get it right but it just doesn't seem to be enough. I love with all my heart and try to be a good person. I work hard and keep up my end of the bargains. So what have I done to end up alone and starting over at this age. For some reason age is bothering me a lot lately.
Life is Challenging
Life is opportunity
Life is interesting
Life is ???
Trying to figure out what life is and is suppose to be. I sure am not where I thought I would be at this stage of life. The vision I had has nothing to do with the reality I'm facing. I'm getting older ad getting fearful about being able to take care of myself. Money is a big issue, I have some put away but with costs going up and insurance being sky high to afford am I going to be be able to make it. It is easier when there are two. A partnership one helping another when they are down. I'm going through the grocery the other night and thought I hate shopping for one. I am beginning to hate cooking for one. I'm losing the desire and ability to cook for myself. Why go for a meal when a sandwich is easier? Are we engineered to be part of a set or a couple? Is that why I'm having such a hard time moving from the place I'm stuck? I am paralyzed by fear. I don't know what to do and it takes too much energy to try and do something to propel me on the path I want to be on. I'm starting to understand my Mom just a bit after my Dad died. It was easier to not participate in life then have to use all the energy you have getting through the day. I'm not going to give up like she did, but I do have an small insight into why you would. I don't feel well. Not sure if it physical or mental or a little of both. New medicine kicking my butt, I didn't take it tonight, I've got a job interview tomorrow and don't need to be ill and trying to get through that. Not sure this is a good job--they have only been in business a year and that concerns me. I've been thinking a lot about my inner child--my core or whatever it is called. Why do I always think I'm wrong, that I never get it right. Is the voices that have filled my life- Mom --ex Husband. Your not enough, your lazy, your wrong, your stupid, your fat, your hair is wrong, you spend too much money. And so on and so on. I try so hard to get it right but it just doesn't seem to be enough. I love with all my heart and try to be a good person. I work hard and keep up my end of the bargains. So what have I done to end up alone and starting over at this age. For some reason age is bothering me a lot lately.
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