I'm sitting at home on a Sat. night. I know I could have gone to a single event, I know I could have posted and found someone to go out to dinner with but felt the need to recharge my batteries a little. I realized tonight that I'm waiting, waiting on a medical decision from the insurance -which means I need to wait on finding a new job(good insurance), waiting on finding someone to be in my life, waiting to go to Mexico again, waiting to lose weight, waiting to have life begin. Why is it the I can't be satisfied with what I have? It's not a bad life, I have a lot of good people in my life, I have fun and I can support myself and take care of myself. I just feel like I'm waiting. I have been revisiting going back to school to do something different, not sure what but I'm so burned out on accounting. I need to make a certain amount of money in order to have the standard of living I've got now, so the job would have to make that much. I know from reading that a lot of what is in my head is excuses not to take action. Fear plays a big part in that I've always viewed change as a negative thing but I need to reverse that and see that change can be positive.
I've been dealing with some losses of friends. I had the urge to call one of them tonight but realized that it wouldn't so any good. I'm afraid that chapter has closed with a loud bang, really just a whimper but it can never be what it was before. I miss her but we can't seem to get on a level footing. The relationship has just changed. She has told me many times that I was her best friend, it doesn't seem that it lasted. When you have to guard what you say all the time it makes it difficult. Damn John for all the pain he has caused so many people. My kids have suffered, his family has suffered and I've suffered. I wish things had been different.
I'm just feeling lonely and sad tonight, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
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