Things Ahead

I finally got insurance to pay for a procedure that I've been wanting for a while.  Some of the desire for this is to help my pain levels and some is that maybe it will help me accept myself better.  I'm both excited and scared at the same time.  I have had several major surgeries,  I know the fear and I know what to expect afterward.  There will be pain, discomfort and being extremely tired.  This will last for a little while.  I will have to rediscover my balance since this will be changed.  I hope it meets my expectations.  It will also give me freedom to start looking to start over in a new job.  I'm so down on energy from working in a extremely negative place.  I really think there needs to be a mix of males and females in a job.  I work with all females and some of the behavior would not happen if there was a man in the mix.  Some females just need a male around to stop some of their silly games and act right.  I'm sad that it seems to still be that way in the world.  It makes me sad that some females still act that way. So between the behaviors, low pay and the thought in my mind that the organization I work for is on a downhill slide--it's time to look for a new better paying position.  I was hanging around for several reasons and by mid May they should be completed.   But I have now got a small(really small) pension and insurance will pick up 80% of the costs with this surgery and I have sick days to use-so will get paid while I'm off it was worth hanging on to this job for a while longer.  I would love to find something different to do, but my skills are what they are and I don't think I would get paid enough if I started over in a different field.  It is hard when you are the one wage earner and still have most of the costs of a couple.  House doesn't care if one or two people live in it .  The costs are pretty much the same.  So I guess I'll stay in the field I'm in and hopefully make +10,000 more than I'm making now.  It all depends on how much neck I'm willing to stick out.

History

Well another weekend is history,  if only the workdays passed as fast as the weekend.  I had a fun Friday night, a introspective Sat. and a busy and fun Sunday.  It sucks that we lost an hour.  I need to go to bed but my brain is saying-it's too early for you to go to sleep, which means tomorrow will be really hard.  It takes me at least a week to get used to the change.  The Spring forward is always worse.


Well off for another week of  {fun}, maybe I'll get the go ahead from the insurance company and get that done so I can get really busy looking for a job.  I eagerly look for the mail right now.

Feelings of lost

I'm sitting at home on a Sat. night.  I know I could have gone to a single event, I know I could have posted and found someone to go out to dinner with but felt the need to recharge my batteries a little.  I realized tonight that I'm waiting,  waiting on a medical decision from the insurance -which means I need to wait on finding a new job(good insurance),  waiting on finding someone to be in my life, waiting to go to Mexico again, waiting to lose weight, waiting to have life begin.  Why is it the I can't be satisfied with what I have?  It's not a bad life,  I have a lot of good people in my life, I have fun and I can support myself and take care of myself.  I just feel like I'm waiting.  I have been revisiting going back to school to do something different,  not sure what but I'm so burned out on accounting.  I need to make a certain amount of money in order to have the standard of living I've got now, so the job would have to make that much.  I know from reading that a lot of what is in my head is excuses not to take action.  Fear plays a big part in that  I've always viewed change as a negative thing but I need to reverse that and see that change can be positive.

I've been dealing with some losses of friends.  I had the urge to call one of them tonight but realized that it wouldn't so any good.  I'm afraid that chapter has closed with a loud bang, really just a whimper but it can never be what it was before.  I miss her but we can't seem to get on a level footing.  The relationship has just changed.  She has told me many times that I was her best friend,  it doesn't seem that it lasted.  When you have to guard what you say all the time it makes it difficult.  Damn John for all the pain he has caused so many people.  My kids have suffered, his family has suffered and I've suffered.  I wish things had been different.

I'm just feeling lonely and sad tonight, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.