Hit over the head with weariness

I'm on day 17 post surgery and I think this week is harder than the last.  I keep reminding myself that I had major invasive surgery that lasted 4 hours,  so major work with major operating time.  I'm still sleeping on my back sitting up somewhat.  So pain, lack of good sleep and some depression all playing into my mood.  I want to cry but to tired to do it.  Took one of my last two pain pills and getting a little relief but still hurts.  I asked if they could give me something better than advil but less than percocet and the nurse offered to see if the doctor would send some Vicodene to the pharmacy ,I didn't hear nothing today so guess he either wouldn't or she didn't get hold of him.  Now I have to wonder if Vicodene and Loratab are really hydracodine which is something I'm allergic to.  I just want some relief.  I go back to work next week,  I don't know if my energy will be up to the task.:(

Moving On

I guess I'm not good at moving on.  Tomorrow is Thunder Over day and the ex and I had been going for many years.  When we opened our company we got really good seats down on the River.  It was a big splurge that we enjoyed.  Now the thought of Thunder just gives me pain.  Why does he still have a small corner of my heart surrounded by pain.  My son is going with him.  It's good for Mike but hope it isn't too much for his issues.  I guess I hurt so much because here I sit still by myself.  I think I'm open for love, finding someone to spend time with.  Why is it so hard for me but was way to easy for him to move on.  He had a girlfriend before I even knew we were over.  He kept her for awhile then found a woman he has been with for two years.  So far I've managed one coffee date, one dutch date and a movie and lunch date,  for heavens sake it's been over 3 years.  Is it fear that keeps me from getting in the swim of things?  Possible.  I'm sitting here recovering from surgery, feeling alone and not feeling very well at all.  It's been a week and it's been tough.  I'm older than the last major surgery I had so I guess I should have expected this to be hard.  I think it will be worth it when I'm healed.  I feel like I'm missing something in my life.  Am I going to grow old like my Mom, all alone in my house becoming a recluse like her?  I don't think so but I feel like I'm following a pattern that she had.  I've got to change things,  I don't want to be like her.  Lots of stuff coming up since I'm tired and feeling yucky.  More tears,  I've cried buckets and buckets of tears but always seem to be more.

New Me

I'm getting ready to take a big step to a new me.  I'm facing surgery tomorrow and am worried about the pain and healing that will have to take place.  It will help my health and maybe make me feel better about my body.  All that is to be determined.  I discovered I rely a lot on Advil,  I have not been able to take it for about 2 weeks and find my pain level has gone up several notches.   Maybe this surgery will help cut down on the Advil use,  that would be good.  I guess I shall see, I probably should going to bed, but not sure I will sleep, but should try.

Grass cutting

I've realized I get a lot of thinking going on when I cut grass.  Not a job I like or enjoy.  In times pass I've cussed and fussed at my ex.  I blamed him for having to do these jobs,  I actually did them while we were married, so not sure why I cussed him then.  So today while cutting the grass I got to thinking about being in a relationship.  I realized that I'm not up to having my heart broke again.  So this makes me wonder if I could commit to a relationship.  I think you have to risk your heart in order to have something wonderful with someone.  I guess it would matter on how special the person was.  I just want someone who will love, respect, care and take me for who I am.  I would love to meet someone and find out about how to date in this century.