Moving On

I guess I'm not good at moving on.  Tomorrow is Thunder Over day and the ex and I had been going for many years.  When we opened our company we got really good seats down on the River.  It was a big splurge that we enjoyed.  Now the thought of Thunder just gives me pain.  Why does he still have a small corner of my heart surrounded by pain.  My son is going with him.  It's good for Mike but hope it isn't too much for his issues.  I guess I hurt so much because here I sit still by myself.  I think I'm open for love, finding someone to spend time with.  Why is it so hard for me but was way to easy for him to move on.  He had a girlfriend before I even knew we were over.  He kept her for awhile then found a woman he has been with for two years.  So far I've managed one coffee date, one dutch date and a movie and lunch date,  for heavens sake it's been over 3 years.  Is it fear that keeps me from getting in the swim of things?  Possible.  I'm sitting here recovering from surgery, feeling alone and not feeling very well at all.  It's been a week and it's been tough.  I'm older than the last major surgery I had so I guess I should have expected this to be hard.  I think it will be worth it when I'm healed.  I feel like I'm missing something in my life.  Am I going to grow old like my Mom, all alone in my house becoming a recluse like her?  I don't think so but I feel like I'm following a pattern that she had.  I've got to change things,  I don't want to be like her.  Lots of stuff coming up since I'm tired and feeling yucky.  More tears,  I've cried buckets and buckets of tears but always seem to be more.