Why do we?

Why do we humans long so much for love?  Love from a child, pet or friend works.  What makes us lovable or unlovable?  Is it right that we are sometimes expected to change from who we are to what someone else wants to make us lovable?   Then if we do that do we lose the self love we must have for ourselves.   Self love sounds selfish but I think you must have it.  Sometimes I don't love my "inner child" enough.  This is when the self doubts creep in and make me doubt that I am "lovable"  This is the point where I tend toward depression,  when my heart hurts and tears flow.  I hope I am lovable.  I've lost family and more family in the last couple of years, my ex in laws and for some reason the only blood family I have left on my Mom's side.  I don't think I did any thing wrong but I'm sensitive about this for some reason.  I guess because the man I thought was the love of my life was able to discard me so easily.  I wish I could ask the questions and get real answers not what he thinks would be the right answer.  I'm really tired of the not you it is me,  it wasn't anything you did and so on.

Losing it

How do you know when you are losing our mind?  I keep wondering what I have done to cause my life to spiral in this direction.  Nothing seems to be going right,  the last four years have been full of stress and problems.  Tonight my Mom calls, (third time this week) I need kleenex day one,  I need snacks, I'm out (I tried to leave the ones I bought her last week but no she said no take them home-so I did)  Today it was bring me graham crackers-(they are good for the bowels) more than I wanted to know about bowels.   I'll see her tomorrow and be glad that is off my plate for this week.  I often wonder if some of why things are going right is Karma's way of smacking me for not being a better person -not really wanting to take care of my Mom.  Could it be that?  I'm just not sure.  I really don't think I'm a bad person. I try hard to be kind and do the right thing.  I got another job rejection today,  I really didn't get a chance for an interview-they have already filled the position.  They will keep me in mind if there is anything comes up.  This is my 3rd recruiter working for me.  It will happen.  It just keeps my life uncertain.

I want to enjoy my vacation in a week and 1/2.   I have plans to do some things to my house,  I hope I have the energy and my pain is at an acceptable level.   I'm really tired of the pain-mental and physical.

Holidays

I'm already at a really low point.  The holidays are approaching and I am already have lots of pain in my soul.  It is almost like it was two years ago.  I feel like I was replaced so easily.  I lost my spot in the world.  Wife, mother, part of a large happy family, future leader of the women of family.  Now I have core group of family that I have created,  they are so worth it but it still causes me so much pain when I read about my ex family getting together to plan Thanksgiving celebrations.  This was my job that  I so enjoyed.  It gave my holidays meaning.  I read on facebook that they are meeting at my ex's girlfriends (of over 2 years) house to plan the day.  For a man who didn't want the family roots that were so important to me, he got it all.  My Thanksgiving day consists of being with my demented mother.  Right now I'm not sure what I'm going to do with her.  Cousins usually invite us but haven't heard anything,  at least if I go there they keep her occupied and I don't have the total responsibility.   My kids most likely will be with the Robbins,  ouch it hurts but that is the tradition they know.  I still want to know what I did in the marriage to cause him to choose the way he treated me.  Was I not loving enough,  did I not pay enough attention to him,  was my distaste for his hobbies  the straw that broke all he told me about loving me forever.  I have a really hard time listening to love songs because they seem like such a crock.  How could the man who the Thursday told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever on Tuesday say he didn't want to be married anymore.   I just don't understand.  

I think I have a lot to offer the right guy,  I have so much love to offer.  I have a good heart.  Why am I so alone?

I think the health issues have caused some of this pain.  High blood pressure, cataracts and breast reduction revision have all happened in the last week.  I'm not sleeping well and got Lunesta,  my god how much medicine costs.  The new BP medicine and the Lunesta cost 120.00 with insurance for 30 pills of each, so 2.00 a pill.  With the other 4 prescriptions I have my medicine costs have taken a bite out of my budget.

Just another thing to stress about.

Love Never?

I think maybe I'm meant to be alone.  Maybe that is my fate.  Not what I envisioned, not what I really want but maybe that is the way it is suppose to be.  I just got to thinking about it today and maybe I'm fighting against karma-fate or whatever.  I've been alone over 4 years,  I wish I could have found the right man,  just don't know where to look.  Maybe I'll stop driving myself to being unhappy if I just give up.  I kept hoping I would find someone to share all the good things in life with.  I hoped I would have someone to be with n New Year's Eve, parties, birthdays, holidays and just everyday life.