Another Day

Well another day down and back to work again.  The weekends seem to fly by but the weeks seem to drag.  A remark by someone about my ex has caused some of the hurt and anger to bubble up again.  Why can't I just let it go.  I know (I've been beat over the head more than once lately)  about forgiveness --this is mainly for me.  It was pointed out to me that the one I'm angry with is myself and I think that is about 90% correct.  The other part is laid straight on him, his actions and words.  One day I my find myself able to be civil, but this is going to be when my life is more in line with what I want.

Imaging

I thought I had a good life several years ago.  I was mistaken.  Tonight I saw a show that showcased a 33 year marriage.  It showed it some of the warts that marriages had when you've been together so long.  I think my ego was proud of the fact that I was married so long when so many people said it wouldn't last.  Well they had the last laugh after all.  I am a deeply loyal person and keep my word.  The show has a young couple who had been together 3 years and were not yet committed to one another.  The older couple had lost some of passion and excitement of a new relationship but knew each other so well.  It all ended happily as plays generally do.  It was like scraping off the scab on my life.  I thought that was what I had,  I was so deluded.  Partly by choice if I look deep enough partly because of my commitment and because I had made a promise.  It was just that I choose a person who didn't have the same commitment that I did.  I think --he got bored with what life becomes when you start getting older.  The old gray mare wasn't as interesting as the young fillies he was seeing and he was afraid that he was getting old.  I've been working so hard to make a new life for myself.  I'm happier in a lot of ways since I don't have to deal with the moods that he had developed.  I felt like I was dealing with a duel personality.  I'm lonely --straight up and real.  I'm hoping for someone to be my companion and best friend.  I hope he is out there, my fear is that he isn't.  I don't want to be getting old all by myself.  I've seen what happened with my Mom.  She was afraid and depressed and didn't want to have to deal with what it takes to have a relationship-not with me or anyone else.  She is old now and has regrets but still isn't changing any way to progress before the end of her life.  I don't want to have the same regrets.  My saving grace is I have good friends and my kids, so I am not totally alone in the world.

Non Forgiveness

I'm working now on trying to forgive myself.  The decisions I made when I made them were the best I could do. This has become my mantra.  There are things I did to try to "save" the marriage.  I'm not proud of them and not sure why I did them., but I did.  So now I need to let go of beating up on myself for those and other decisions I've made.  My marriage was not that good but it was familiar.  I wish I had more courage and self respect when I had to deal with the issues that ended it.  Fear-I think that was the emotion that kept me tied to trying to make it work.  A good marriage is one where you don't spend all your energy on trying to make things work.  I also did things that are really against what I believe in, I won't do that again.  I have to look at myself every day and forgive myself for those things.  I don't plan on having any more added to that list.  I burned non forgiveness at the burning bowl ceremony I went to.  I must learn the forgive myself and others.  I must learn to love myself--this is harder than you think.  I don't think I've ever gotten things "right".  I've never felt good enough, my parents never thought I did things good enough.  I've never felt intelligent or clever.  For all the progress I've made I still have steps to climb.  Good thing life is a learning process and your never done.

1-1-11

Today is the beginning of a new year.  A new start, a chance to throw some of the old stuff out to make room for new stuff-better stuff.  I took down my Christmas tree which is a normal New Years Day thing for me.  Then I decided that the living room needed to look different -so I moved the furniture around.  Not sure yet if I like it so will live with the change for a bit and see if not there are other patterns I can make with the furniture.

Had dinner with a friend who has had the last year hitting several of the top 10 stress makers.  He seems to be happy and content with the changes he has made, new city, living with his girl friend, new job, new home times 2 with the old home still on his hands.  I miss him and know that this chapter in the friendship is closing.  He will be living a different life in a different place and we will grow apart.  Maybe it is time.  He was a wonderful friend when my heart hurt just beating.

I was with friends last night bringing in the new year.  I love my friends a lot.  I envy them the peace they seem to have.  I am searching for peace for my soul.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.  All the roles I used to identify myself with changed.  Searching for new places I belong.  I feel comfortable with them and I hope they do with me.  I feel like a third or fifth wheel a lot of times.  It amazes me how hard it is sometimes to say separate check when we do a group dinner.  I come to things alone and go home alone.  This has been one of the hardest things to learn.  Being alone.  Alone to make decisions, alone to deal with problems, alone to try to figure out what the noise is in the car (it turned out to be the water pump), second guess myself that I'm making the right decisions.  The car guy asked if I wanted to come up to see what he was talking about with the car(it is old and some bolt didn't want to be removed to fix the water pump) I told him I could come look but would not know what I was seeing.  That is a form of helplessness for me.  I don't have the knowledge so don't know if what I'm doing is right.  I just have to go with the reputation this repair shop has and hope for the best.

Emotions are running on a roller coaster.  I cry, I get better and find something else to do then durn if I don't all the sudden cry again.   I realize that this is the third New Years Eve that I've been by myself .  You can be in a room full of people and feel alone when the ball drops.  Trust me this is a truth.   I'm working so hard to find me but it is hard.  Some times I get so tired of having to work on having a life again.  The life I had wasn't great but I knew what was expected and what I was suppose to be doing most of the time.  This new life has so many possibilities that sometimes I get immobilized by fear,  don't know what way to turn.

I'm looking forward to taking a vacation this year--that is a bright spot on the future.  Still have to find a dog sitter and someone to check in on Mom, along with a bunch of other issues but it will all work out.

My old dog is fading.  She chooses to go to bed a lot during the day now.  She doesn't hear me very often.  Dinner used to be rattle the bowl and in she would come now I have to go wake her up and convince her to move.  All I can do is love her and give her the best I can until it isn't enough.  Why do pets have such short life spans.  She is 13 1/2 years old and I'm not ready to let her go but will do the right thing for her.

Such a maudlin night tonight.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I can only hope.