Today is the beginning of a new year. A new start, a chance to throw some of the old stuff out to make room for new stuff-better stuff. I took down my Christmas tree which is a normal New Years Day thing for me. Then I decided that the living room needed to look different -so I moved the furniture around. Not sure yet if I like it so will live with the change for a bit and see if not there are other patterns I can make with the furniture.
Had dinner with a friend who has had the last year hitting several of the top 10 stress makers. He seems to be happy and content with the changes he has made, new city, living with his girl friend, new job, new home times 2 with the old home still on his hands. I miss him and know that this chapter in the friendship is closing. He will be living a different life in a different place and we will grow apart. Maybe it is time. He was a wonderful friend when my heart hurt just beating.
I was with friends last night bringing in the new year. I love my friends a lot. I envy them the peace they seem to have. I am searching for peace for my soul. I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore. All the roles I used to identify myself with changed. Searching for new places I belong. I feel comfortable with them and I hope they do with me. I feel like a third or fifth wheel a lot of times. It amazes me how hard it is sometimes to say separate check when we do a group dinner. I come to things alone and go home alone. This has been one of the hardest things to learn. Being alone. Alone to make decisions, alone to deal with problems, alone to try to figure out what the noise is in the car (it turned out to be the water pump), second guess myself that I'm making the right decisions. The car guy asked if I wanted to come up to see what he was talking about with the car(it is old and some bolt didn't want to be removed to fix the water pump) I told him I could come look but would not know what I was seeing. That is a form of helplessness for me. I don't have the knowledge so don't know if what I'm doing is right. I just have to go with the reputation this repair shop has and hope for the best.
Emotions are running on a roller coaster. I cry, I get better and find something else to do then durn if I don't all the sudden cry again. I realize that this is the third New Years Eve that I've been by myself . You can be in a room full of people and feel alone when the ball drops. Trust me this is a truth. I'm working so hard to find me but it is hard. Some times I get so tired of having to work on having a life again. The life I had wasn't great but I knew what was expected and what I was suppose to be doing most of the time. This new life has so many possibilities that sometimes I get immobilized by fear, don't know what way to turn.
I'm looking forward to taking a vacation this year--that is a bright spot on the future. Still have to find a dog sitter and someone to check in on Mom, along with a bunch of other issues but it will all work out.
My old dog is fading. She chooses to go to bed a lot during the day now. She doesn't hear me very often. Dinner used to be rattle the bowl and in she would come now I have to go wake her up and convince her to move. All I can do is love her and give her the best I can until it isn't enough. Why do pets have such short life spans. She is 13 1/2 years old and I'm not ready to let her go but will do the right thing for her.
Such a maudlin night tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I can only hope.
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