Imaging

I thought I had a good life several years ago.  I was mistaken.  Tonight I saw a show that showcased a 33 year marriage.  It showed it some of the warts that marriages had when you've been together so long.  I think my ego was proud of the fact that I was married so long when so many people said it wouldn't last.  Well they had the last laugh after all.  I am a deeply loyal person and keep my word.  The show has a young couple who had been together 3 years and were not yet committed to one another.  The older couple had lost some of passion and excitement of a new relationship but knew each other so well.  It all ended happily as plays generally do.  It was like scraping off the scab on my life.  I thought that was what I had,  I was so deluded.  Partly by choice if I look deep enough partly because of my commitment and because I had made a promise.  It was just that I choose a person who didn't have the same commitment that I did.  I think --he got bored with what life becomes when you start getting older.  The old gray mare wasn't as interesting as the young fillies he was seeing and he was afraid that he was getting old.  I've been working so hard to make a new life for myself.  I'm happier in a lot of ways since I don't have to deal with the moods that he had developed.  I felt like I was dealing with a duel personality.  I'm lonely --straight up and real.  I'm hoping for someone to be my companion and best friend.  I hope he is out there, my fear is that he isn't.  I don't want to be getting old all by myself.  I've seen what happened with my Mom.  She was afraid and depressed and didn't want to have to deal with what it takes to have a relationship-not with me or anyone else.  She is old now and has regrets but still isn't changing any way to progress before the end of her life.  I don't want to have the same regrets.  My saving grace is I have good friends and my kids, so I am not totally alone in the world.