Thinking

I have way too much time on my hands.  I can't still my mind when things are quiet.  I almost always have the radio or TV on so I have the background noise on.   My mind drifts to all sorts of topics when I try to be calm and meditate.  My horoscope today was pretty much dead on to how I'm feeling.  "Your in the middle of a learning process, and this is the part where it gets very frustrating.  You may even wonder if it's time to quit .  I seems like this is not what you signed on for, but hang in there."  There are points where I just want to chuck it all in and give up.  But the end result is not one I really want.   I'm really tired of making the major decisions.  I always have had to make the hard decisions in life so I'm not sure why it bothers me now.  I'm so much better off without the stress I lived under.  I don't want to be in a sterile life but the one I'm living now isn't horrible.  I get to decide what I want to do and when,  I eat what I want at home and things are my things.

So these are the thoughts that are crowding my head right now. :)

Thinking

I have way too much time on my hands.  I can't still my mind when things are quiet.  I almost always have the radio or TV on so I have the background noise on.   My mind drifts to all sorts of topics when I try to be calm and meditate.  My horoscope today was pretty much dead on to how I'm feeling.  "Your in the middle of a learning process, and this is the part where it gets very frustrating.  You may even wonder if it's time to quit .  I seems like this is not what you signed on for, but hang in there."  There are points where I just want to chuck it all in and give up.  But the end result is not one I really want.   I'm really tired of making the major decisions.  I always have had to make the hard decisions in life so I'm not sure why it bothers me now.  I'm so much better off without the stress I lived under.  I don't want to be in a sterile life but the one I'm living now isn't horrible.  I get to decide what I want to do and when,  I eat what I want at home and things are my things.  

So these are the thoughts that are crowding my head right now. :)

Dogs

It is amazing how much a 55 pound furry black lab can worm their way into your heart.  My Morgan was a beautiful puppy both inside and out.  She didn't want to be the alpha dog but enjoyed just being loved.  I wish I'd had more time with her but 13 years 8 months was a good amount of time for a large dog.  It feels really odd to only have one dog.  It is strange when putting Guinness in the pen that there is only one dog.  Feeding, letting her out and going to bed are all triggers of missing Morgan.  We've had the routine for so long.  Morgan loved bread and most people food.  Tomatoes were a favorite--fresh off the vine if she could manage it.  She didn't like lettuce or celery.  I miss the wise look on her face--not sure she was all that wise but she gave the impression that she was.   When my friend the animal communicator spoke with her after she kept peeing in front of the room my ex was sleeping gave her this explanation.  I pee at his door because he deserves to live lower than the basement.  Emma explained to her that this behavior was causing me trouble and needed to stop.  After that she quit peeing in front of the door.  Believe in this or not it is what happened.    I thought that was a wise explanation from my girl.  Tears have not flowed as much as I had feared but they creep in at odd times.

I don't know if I will ever get another dog but I also don't know that I will not.  Time will tell.

Morgan

Well today is the day I say goodbye to one of the loves of my life.  My good girl Morgan.  I'm doing the right thing but it is so hard.  She played ball with me yesterday-which means it toss it to her and she tosses it back.  No movement required, but it was unusual since she hasn't been doing much of anything.  I think she goes to the bedroom to be by herself, this means she has already checked out.  I try to love on her and she tolerates is for a minute then goes to be alone.  She has been a wonderful canine companion.  Age has taken its toll on her.  I look back on the little black ball of fluff we got at 5 weeks old.  My golden Kelsey kept looking at me and saying "What have you done"  She grew up loving her balls and playing fetch.  She loves bread and riding on the 4 wheeler.  She liked to snuggle and give me doggie kisses.  She has been a good example for Guinness and a pure loving heart that won't be forgotten.  She is the best escape artist dog I have ever met and smart and sassy in some ways.  The way she laid on Guinness's ball so she wasn't able to find it was a hoot.  Morgan has a sense of humor.

Goodbye my wonderful girl, soon you will be running in heaven with Kelsey and all the new dog friends your going to meet.  I know you both will be waiting for me when it's my time.  I can't imagine heaven without my girls.  :(

Heart Hurts

My heart is in a terrible pain.  I'm taking my almost 14 year old black lab on Wednesday to put her to sleep.  She has had a good life and seems to have been a mostly happy dog.  Last summer she was diagnosed with Cognitive behavior disorder, in other terms Doggy Alzemiers.  Medicine helped but she is now anti social, panting a lot and has had some seizures in the past couple of weeks.  What I would like to do is change the outcome-have her back when she didn't hurt and was perky and playful.  This isn't going to happen.  I had my friend who is an animal communicator speak with her.  This is not the first time but turned out to be the turning point.  Last summer she asked Morgan if she was ready to go and Morgan's reply "No I'm not ready to go, I'll be around for a while"  it gave me comfort that I was doing the right thing.  Last Tuesday she spoke with her and Morgan replied "I'm ready to go"  she is in a lot of pain in her head.  So being the responsible person I am made the decision to take that final step.  I've been crying a lot, trying to make the appointment on the phone today I almost got too choked up.  I spoke with the friend who is going to make this final journey with us and could not keep it together.  As I'm writing my eyes are welling up with tears.  When I love I love with my whole heart so it breaks when I have to let go.  It's amazing to me that they worm their way into your heart and lodge there.  They are more faithful than some people and love you unconditionally.  I'm going to have a hard time at work tomorrow and haven't yet decided whether to go in Wed.  our appointment isn't until 3 pm.  I'm going to see my Mom tomorrow before I do with the hopes I can keep it together and not have to tell her.  Hopefully by next week when it is time I'll be doing better.    I'm so tired of having to make decisions about what is the best thing to do.  I can't wait till I go to Mexico--all I have to decide there is what to drink and eat and when.  Pampering I'm ready,  this is the third sucky year in a row,  Maybe 2012 will be better or with the luck I've been having the world will end in December 2012.

Valentines Day

I've never been one much for celebrating this day. My ex and I sometimes did and sometimes didn't.  The last Valentines day that I was with him-he surprised me by getting champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries.  He also had a surprise for me in that he got one of "those" prescriptions.  Talk about a surprise.  It didn't go quite like he had planned.  The other thing-(I didn't know everything at the time) was his girlfriend helped him plan the evening and left the house so we could have a romantic evening.  That is a really icky thing after I found out they were sleeping together at the time.   She sure was a piece of work along with him.    So my last Valentines day was a doozy.  So right now it is a sucky holiday,  the only memory isn't a good one.  I try to give him credit for some of the good things but it is so hard when there are so many negatives attached to him.

I feel so unnecessary ,  I don't fill like I fit in with anyones life.  The only person who depends on me is my Mom and that is a different relationship.  I guess my dogs count.  My older dog had another seizure tonight.  This is two in 3 weeks.  This isn't boding well for the future.  Another loss in my life, it happens with pets. Doesn't make it any easier but is a fact.  I'm sitting here tearing up for her and for other reasons.  I wish I could see the future and know if it is worth trying so hard to make a new life.