Heart Hurts

My heart is in a terrible pain.  I'm taking my almost 14 year old black lab on Wednesday to put her to sleep.  She has had a good life and seems to have been a mostly happy dog.  Last summer she was diagnosed with Cognitive behavior disorder, in other terms Doggy Alzemiers.  Medicine helped but she is now anti social, panting a lot and has had some seizures in the past couple of weeks.  What I would like to do is change the outcome-have her back when she didn't hurt and was perky and playful.  This isn't going to happen.  I had my friend who is an animal communicator speak with her.  This is not the first time but turned out to be the turning point.  Last summer she asked Morgan if she was ready to go and Morgan's reply "No I'm not ready to go, I'll be around for a while"  it gave me comfort that I was doing the right thing.  Last Tuesday she spoke with her and Morgan replied "I'm ready to go"  she is in a lot of pain in her head.  So being the responsible person I am made the decision to take that final step.  I've been crying a lot, trying to make the appointment on the phone today I almost got too choked up.  I spoke with the friend who is going to make this final journey with us and could not keep it together.  As I'm writing my eyes are welling up with tears.  When I love I love with my whole heart so it breaks when I have to let go.  It's amazing to me that they worm their way into your heart and lodge there.  They are more faithful than some people and love you unconditionally.  I'm going to have a hard time at work tomorrow and haven't yet decided whether to go in Wed.  our appointment isn't until 3 pm.  I'm going to see my Mom tomorrow before I do with the hopes I can keep it together and not have to tell her.  Hopefully by next week when it is time I'll be doing better.    I'm so tired of having to make decisions about what is the best thing to do.  I can't wait till I go to Mexico--all I have to decide there is what to drink and eat and when.  Pampering I'm ready,  this is the third sucky year in a row,  Maybe 2012 will be better or with the luck I've been having the world will end in December 2012.