Reflections

I'm reflecting on my life.  Saw a play tonight that brought a bunch of hurt up.  The female older lead had some forgetfullness, (reminds me of my Mom),  the husband who was dead wanted to come back and make sure that she knew he loved her.  Reminded me of the one I had who didn't.  And the 3 kids who all had their issues.  I've never been sure my Mom loved me and my dad died when I was young so I think he loved me but really don't know.  This brought the hurt I have been trying to heal.

I've had another pain in realizing my lost family is having a cookout tomorrow,  I wasn't invited so I have to figure    that the ex must be coming.  This is so hard,  I miss my place in the scheme of things.  I haven't made my place in my new life.  I was with some good friends tonight and I am envious of the relationships between them.  It is what I thought I had but didn't .  I just can't seem to find the starting point--I want a good relationship with a good man,  I want to find my place in life.  I really don't want to be like my Mom and be lonely and shut in for the last 25 years of her life.  She told me last Sunday that she has regrets, wishes she had done things differently. I can't help her with this.  She had lucid moments-most are but then she goes somewhere else.  This is hard.

I made a list today of my good qualities --I have them and need to celebrate them.  I have an identity and need to claim it.  It seems self serving to list your good qualities but must recognize them and develop self esteem.  It seems a long time since I felt good about myself.  This is something I need to work on.

Strength

I have come to accept that I am a strong person.  Lesser women would not have coped as well (I didn't think and still don't think I'm doing that well) but I have had several people comment on my strength.    It doesn't seem to help when my emotions get the best of me or when I'm very tired.  That said, I'm reflecting on the past 3 years and a few further back.  Since July of 2008 I have learned how to cope in an insufferable situation, seen a home become just a house, lost my job, ended the only relationship I've ever had with a man and deal with being lied too, cheated on, betrayed and made a fool of.  I've bought the only house I've been totally responsible for, got a new job, lived alone for the first time ever and managed to get by.  I've had the strength do deal with a dog with Alzheimers, a mother with dementia/Altzeimers, find the only possible solution-nursing home and get her on Medicaid.  I've had to let go of some wonderful people who were my family for over 30 years,  you can't keep the same family when the divorce is ugly, he is blood, I'm not.  This has been a difficult step and still working on it.  I've said goodbye to my puppy when it came time to do the right thing.  I've done house repairs, figured out what was wrong when things happened and fixed them.  I've learned to ask for help when I can't do something(this has been hard since the lessons I learned when young was don't ask for help)

I've done an awful lot of soul searching and looked in places in my soul that aren't pretty.  I've come to the conclusion that I'm a good soul most of the time.  I'm a good friend and love with my whole heart when I do.  I'm thoughtful, and care for people and try to solve things for them.  This causes a level of frustration when I can't fix things.   My heart hurts when my friends hurt..  This year I lost a friend fairly close to my age rapidly and not expecting it.  He was a good man and his wife my friend for over 30 years is hurting so bad and I can't do anything but hope for her.  

I've healed a lot and still have further to go.  I wish it was easy and didn't have backsliding.

So all in all I've done well.

So Tired

I am so tired of having to deal with stuff.  I understand this stuff is small but it seems to leap out of no where and aggravate the crap out of me.  My sister in law called tonight--she checks on the house I have for sale.  It has rained way to much and the basement is musky,  so I'm going to pay her $75.00 to clean it up and get it smelling better.  For some reason I really don't want to go back to the house I grew up in.  It probably has a lot to do with all the stuff that has happened the last couple of years.  She also found a letter in the box,  it's a bill from a collection agency for the garage service I stopped last November.  So I have spent way too long looking for my notes of when I called them.  I remember doing it because we discussed where they needed to pick up their can, it was in the back part of the driveway.  So tomorrow I have to deal with that.  The funny thing is the bill is in my Dad's name.  He has been dead since 1973,  they would have a hard time collecting.  I went through the same thing with the water company, again it was in his name.  I kind of put it to them they had to send the bill to me if they wanted to be paid, surprise they agreed.

My soul feels so unsettled.  I think I know one of my greatest fears,  did an exercise with a women's group I went to.  I don't know how so resolve this fear.  I guess time will either let it happen or I'll find what I need to be happy.

Parents die, become ill, dogs go to their happy reward, marriages end, jobs disappear, homes dissolve and become houses, jobs change and become unbearable, houses remain unsold, health issues arise.  These are the hard things.  I'm looking for joy, happy times, love, good friends, enjoying my job, good health and peace.   I think I must be asking for way too much-I see other people with it and don't understand why I can't have it.