Reflections

I'm reflecting on my life.  Saw a play tonight that brought a bunch of hurt up.  The female older lead had some forgetfullness, (reminds me of my Mom),  the husband who was dead wanted to come back and make sure that she knew he loved her.  Reminded me of the one I had who didn't.  And the 3 kids who all had their issues.  I've never been sure my Mom loved me and my dad died when I was young so I think he loved me but really don't know.  This brought the hurt I have been trying to heal.

I've had another pain in realizing my lost family is having a cookout tomorrow,  I wasn't invited so I have to figure    that the ex must be coming.  This is so hard,  I miss my place in the scheme of things.  I haven't made my place in my new life.  I was with some good friends tonight and I am envious of the relationships between them.  It is what I thought I had but didn't .  I just can't seem to find the starting point--I want a good relationship with a good man,  I want to find my place in life.  I really don't want to be like my Mom and be lonely and shut in for the last 25 years of her life.  She told me last Sunday that she has regrets, wishes she had done things differently. I can't help her with this.  She had lucid moments-most are but then she goes somewhere else.  This is hard.

I made a list today of my good qualities --I have them and need to celebrate them.  I have an identity and need to claim it.  It seems self serving to list your good qualities but must recognize them and develop self esteem.  It seems a long time since I felt good about myself.  This is something I need to work on.