I was very pleased with myself the last week or so. I felt more positive about life than I have in a while. For some reason the bubble started popping last night. No reason just started on the down side of mood. Got through today pretty well but tonight have the feeling of impending disaster. No basis just the mood. I realize a big trigger day is looming but thought it would be ok. Maybe it's not ok. Grief has no expiration date. It doesn't say it's been 3 years all gone. I'll keep working the program, positive thoughts and try to move beyond the negative. I'm tired, that could be part of the reason. The weather, lack of caffeine and not sleeping as much as I apparently need to is taking its toll.
I'm going out to meet a single group again on Friday night. Then Sunday out with my family I choose friends. Sat. is the 34th anniversary of when I married the heel. I should celebrate that I'm no longer with him. The more people open up about him and tell me things I wonder how I stayed so in the dark about the real him. He was a great actor around me. Again, I need to forgive myself for being so blind about him. I used a service man we had used and he had talked with the ex and said to me, he's not very nice is he? Two realtors also found he wasn't the nicest of people. Why didn't I see this?
The positives--I have a job so I can pay my bills and have a place to live. I have a large wonderful puppy who loves me unconditionally as I love her. I have so many wonderful groups of friends each with different view points and thoughts, I'm challenged by them, they have stood by me in all my moods and issues. I've got my Mom in a safe and good place for her. Maybe not what either of us thought would happen but it's the best for her and me. I have sight, hearing, smell, touch, my aches and pains are with me but I can live with them. They are bearable. So all in all my life is good. It helps to put it all down and see how much good I have in my life.
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