Tired and sore

I'm so over being tired and sore.  I did this to myself but it has been 4 weeks tomorrow since major surgery.  I went back to work Monday and I'm taking tomorrow off.  I went back too soon.  So now I've got time to make up in the healing and resting department.  I'm not sure what kind of work hours I'm going to try next week.  I worked 22 hours in 4 days which doesn't sound bad but about hour 3 of the day I was walking like an old lady, all hunched over with my shoulders trying to touch my ears.  One day I worked 7, didn't plan but had a mandatory meeting at 3 pm that lasted 1 hour 15 minutes and my head got lower and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to drive home.  Enough said.  I have a spot that was fairly small but with all the movement I did at work has gotten a bit bigger and I think it may have added a friend although very small.  So lots of rest and not doing much for the next couple of days  Don't see the PS until next Thursday unless I get really worried.  I didn't think it was going to be this difficult.  I usually bounce back from things pretty well so this has been a surprise.    I will still say I'm glad I did it and will be glad when a couple of weeks more pass and healing happens and energy returns.  I'm getting a bit bored and lonely.  Miss doing stuff.  At least my big boss was understanding and told me to work shorter days or three days a week or whatever works for me.  I still have 9 sick and 2 personal days left so I can afford the time.

Not for the weak

BR surgery is not for the weak.  This is 24 days past surgery date,  I'm still having a lot of pain and discomfort. So at night I'm still taking pain pills and a sleeping pill.  Being a side sleeper and having to be a back sleeper is hard, for over 3 weeks now.   They call them frankenboobs and that is a good term.  Scars and stitches putting things back together again, look a bit scary.  They still have bad spots that are healing slower and there is some blood coming from one of the worst spots. I think it is because I moved around a lot more today.  I'm tired and I'm tired of feeling in pain and sore.  I think I have been hurting physically for years and this is just a little more in my face pain, I can name it and know it.  I hope this surgery lives up to healing relieve my neck and back pain.

OK three weeks post surgery and pain pills are wonderful.  I took two an hour ago and the rough awful rug burn feeling  is not hurting so much.  I'm glad I did this but man the recovery is tough.  This has stirred up a whole lot of stuff.  It is like the crap settles to the bottom and every now and then a spoon dips in there and stirs shit up.  I deserve to have someone in my life to love me and respect, care and cherish me.  I had surgery and didn't get a lot of help afterward.  My daughter stayed with me for a couple of days, my son has cut my grass twice and lord it is a jungle out there.  He said he would cut it tomorrow, only if it drys out.  I could have used more help.  I know I try to put out there that I don't need help I can manage.  It is a great front but leaves something lacking in this situation.  I cleaned last week, it was wrong to do an I knew it but couldn't stand the dog hair.  This week I was wiser and it is dusty and dirty.  When most of what you can do is sit and rest it starts wearing on you.  I go back to work Monday and I'm really worried that my energy won't come back fast enough.  I've been looking for a new job and that is stressing me out also.  I need one and at least have the leisure to choose what I apply for.  Last time it was whatever I could find.    It has stirred up a lot about the ex. Again this was when he should have supported me, coddled me and made me feel valued.  I haven't told his family because they really aren't in my life any more.  This seems to be hurting more right now.  I get over it and then it comes back and bites.  I know who my friends are, they are standing with and supporting me with love.  Sometimes it takes life events to separate the cream from the milk.  I'm angry that he dodged all responsibility that we agreed to.  All the big life stuff you need that person by your side.  I was there when he broke his back, I was there when his dad died, I was there when his sister died.  I was there helping to take care of his Mom and sister when they needed a driver, listener and support.  Where was he when my Mom has cancer and surgery,  where was he after I had surgery and needed a lot of help (excuse he was working to support us)  couldn't take more time off.  Where was he when I needed him to help with the kids,  how may times did he do karate and soccer duty.  The kids to the Dr.  I don't know why I miss him because he was never there to be a partner.  I want that partner in life, what has happened to sticking with each other through the good and bad?  Why do people give up so easily?  I wish I knew.  So this is the stuff that has been stirred up in my mind- being that right now I'm  not as strong as usual.