OK three weeks post surgery and pain pills are wonderful.  I took two an hour ago and the rough awful rug burn feeling  is not hurting so much.  I'm glad I did this but man the recovery is tough.  This has stirred up a whole lot of stuff.  It is like the crap settles to the bottom and every now and then a spoon dips in there and stirs shit up.  I deserve to have someone in my life to love me and respect, care and cherish me.  I had surgery and didn't get a lot of help afterward.  My daughter stayed with me for a couple of days, my son has cut my grass twice and lord it is a jungle out there.  He said he would cut it tomorrow, only if it drys out.  I could have used more help.  I know I try to put out there that I don't need help I can manage.  It is a great front but leaves something lacking in this situation.  I cleaned last week, it was wrong to do an I knew it but couldn't stand the dog hair.  This week I was wiser and it is dusty and dirty.  When most of what you can do is sit and rest it starts wearing on you.  I go back to work Monday and I'm really worried that my energy won't come back fast enough.  I've been looking for a new job and that is stressing me out also.  I need one and at least have the leisure to choose what I apply for.  Last time it was whatever I could find.    It has stirred up a lot about the ex. Again this was when he should have supported me, coddled me and made me feel valued.  I haven't told his family because they really aren't in my life any more.  This seems to be hurting more right now.  I get over it and then it comes back and bites.  I know who my friends are, they are standing with and supporting me with love.  Sometimes it takes life events to separate the cream from the milk.  I'm angry that he dodged all responsibility that we agreed to.  All the big life stuff you need that person by your side.  I was there when he broke his back, I was there when his dad died, I was there when his sister died.  I was there helping to take care of his Mom and sister when they needed a driver, listener and support.  Where was he when my Mom has cancer and surgery,  where was he after I had surgery and needed a lot of help (excuse he was working to support us)  couldn't take more time off.  Where was he when I needed him to help with the kids,  how may times did he do karate and soccer duty.  The kids to the Dr.  I don't know why I miss him because he was never there to be a partner.  I want that partner in life, what has happened to sticking with each other through the good and bad?  Why do people give up so easily?  I wish I knew.  So this is the stuff that has been stirred up in my mind- being that right now I'm  not as strong as usual.