Future

I keep looking forward and wondering what my future will hold.  My biggest fear is being old and alone.  I see my Mom's life and know I don't want to go down the same path that she did.  I really hope to find someone to compliment me and be partners in life.  One of the things I dislike a lot is going to things alone and coming back home alone.  I can do it but it doesn't mean I like it.  Went to a play last night and it just feels lonely when you arrive by yourself and then when you come home to an empty house.  I guess I'll get used to it.

Happiness

I'm beginning to think happiness is over rated, or maybe for some but not for others.  I was with friends tonight and I enjoy their company a lot.  One set of friends got married in Dec and had a very nice reception tonight.  I'm happy for them and glad they found one another.  I was around other couples who seem to be very happy,  It's hard since I want to find the person who compliments my life, one who makes me smile and laugh.  I just don't see it happening.  I think I'm ready to have a new person in my life.  I want someone who loves and cherishes me.  Respect is also going to be important.  I may not be the best or brightest but I deserve to be respected.  Lacking in my last relationship so I know I need this in the next one.  I'm so glad for those who have found love in their life but also a bit jealous too

Christmas Eve

OK another Christmas Eve, different from last year but trying hard to find a "right" Christmas Eve.  Took Mom out to lunch,  I really really don't like to take her out of the home but felt she might enjoy a lunch out, not sure she did,  She doesn't do well in crowded noisy places so we take her to Wild Eggs,  very loud with lots of people.  Why does she start whispering in places like that.  I can't hear her or understand her.  I'm thankful my daughter, son and son in law went with me, it made it a lot better than just the two of us.  Tonight going to brave going to my in-laws, Erin, Chris and Mike will be there also,  so I won't feel so alone.  He will be there with his girlfriend so a bit of discomfort on my part.  But I'm strong and will do fine.  Then Christmas Morning, thought about going to church but not sure if I will, maybe sleep late so it won't seem so strange waking up alone,  I'm not fond of this alone time,  I'll have Guinness if I don't beat her first, durn dog seems to know when I screw up and leave something she isn't suppose to have where she can get it. So Christmas at my daughters tomorrow will be fun with friends. :)

Holidays Part 2

Sitting here tonight watching "Christmas Vacation" very funny movie and generally I laugh a lot but not tonight.  Not sure why my mood is on the edge and taking a turn into sadness. I'm trying so hard to fight this, I want this holiday to be better than the last 3.  I spoke with a old friend tonight,  she is a friend of my dad and mom.  But she calls and makes me feel better.  She has told me I'm strong and did the right thing to place my Mom in the nursing home.  I have to think that since she is a contempory of my Mom, both of them soon to turn 85and she has known me since I was born that she can real me a bit.  She told me I sounded sad in my Christmas card-- I thought I was upbeat.  She said I sounded much better tonight.  I am better, stronger but have lost some of the wonder of the season.  It's just different now, more of a chore in a lot of ways.  There are so many people who hurt during this season.  Relationships are hard to connect during this Hallmark holiday.  They make it look so easy, everyone happy and getting along,  but not in real life.  I'm on vacation and my boss calls, we talk 1  1/2 hours on how bad the place where I work is.  Things that others don't know,  the people I work with better sit up and take notice.  This are really bad on the money side and if it doesn't turn around I'm not sure any of us will have a job.  Just what I need to have to take the first job offered me when I start looking.  Wish I could find something I enjoyed doing.  Not enough joy in life if your job sucks,  I spend way too much time at the job to be unhappy,  the job I have now is getting to that point.

Tonight I feel somewhat lost.  My mood if iffy at best and depressed at worst.  I thought I made a lot of progress especially this last weekend.  I faced a huge fear-probably the biggest one I've have ever faced and came out with new insight.  The feelings I thought I would have didn't happen, in fact there was no real  reaction at all.  I thought there might be anger, hurt and maybe a spark of a feeling but zip, nada, zero.  I still didn't want to be in the same space but it was the first time in 2 1/2 years we were that close in the same house.  I've been so angry but maybe I've moved past that.  Still I can regret and remember the past.  I still wish I had answers to many questions but I thing maybe he is so shallow he won't know the answers.  So why am I lost.  There is no going back and not sure what the future will hold.  Is what I have now all there will be?  I've got family and friends, my life isn't one of a hermit.  I have a job, not enjoying it but it helps pay the bills.  My son convinced me to send a resume and cover letter to him to turn in at his work.  It is a great company and no more crossing the bridge.  We'll see if anything pans out.  After the first of the year and some minor surgery I will be really ready to change jobs,  it's getting to the point where a devil I don't know will be better than the devil I do.  Holidays always seem to bring out the blues for me.  I can't seem to have the kind of holidays my heart wants,  I think the heart is being unrealistic but it does what it wishes.  I had an angel whisperer tell me "You are suppose to be here"  how odd that was to hear since there have been occasions I haven't wanted to be in the world.  If it wasn't for the responsibilities I have I may not have made it.  So now I try not to let it get so far where not being alive is better than being here.  It freaks me out a bit that a stranger and angels who do not know my life tells me that.  The other statement was" You will never get what you want from your Mother"  It just confirmed what I already knew but hard to hear it from someone else.  My Mom gets what she wants from me all the time.  Tonight was "I need toothpaste"  I just took her a tube about a month ago,  I think she must eat toothpaste.  So I'm a supplier and a laundry maid.  I'm trying to take it in stride.

Dating is hard

I've been talking with a guy on OK Cupid for a couple of weeks, tonight we got down to really talking. I find out he is separated but still living with his wife.  I sort of understand that, since I had to live with my ex for a while.  But there is not any progress on getting the divorce and the kids don't know.  I'm not willing to get into that drama and told him I wasn't comfortable with the situation and if he sorted it out I would like to talk again.  I think I made him mad but so what.  Lots of fish in the sea but most of them I think I would throw back.

Rambling

Just going to ramble and clear my mind a bit.
I know I have good life,  I have a great house to live in, I'm never hungry or cold.  I have enough to keep me in comfort.  I have a job, I have insurance, I have so many good friends.  I have family and friends who mean the world to me.  I'm not alone in the world.  I recognize joy and feel it on occasion.  I feel contentment and know that is a good space.  I'm working on improving myself and trying to find someone to be my life partner.  I know he is out there somewhere and if all goes well one day I will find him.

I burned 30 plus years of paperwork today.  I didn't want to shred it all so bought a brazier and went to town burning.  So know my eyes burn and I smell like smoke but that is a job complete.  I don't know why I felt it was the right thing to do to hang onto tax returns from 1974, who would ever need that, but it's moved with me every time I've moved.  I burned Mom's tax records and old checks.  So cleaned out a corner of a room and a corner of my mind.

My new car should be here in 2 to 4 weeks,  I'm getting excited.  Scared to take on a car payment but think it is the right thing to do. After all my last new car purchase has lasted 14 1/2 years, it still running but I'm suspecting repairs are in the near future so better to put the money into a new car than keep feeding it money.

Time change has my system all confused--my mind tells me it is later than it is now.  Guinness is confused, her belly is telling her that it's time to eat and get treats and Mom keeps saying it isn't time yet.