Doing OK

I'm really glad I kept busy yesterday and will be busy tomorrow.  Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of confronting my ex about his affair.  It was a horrible day and night.  It started the nightmare that lasted way to long in my life.  Tomorrow is the date he told me he didn't want to be married any longer.  He said if we did we would just just end up hating one another in two years.  I guess he didn't realize I already hated him,  after the mental abuse he put me through after the break how could I want to be his friend.  I hate the fact he has seemed to move on without any regret.  I did have a lot of regrets.  I know there were actions that I should have taken or changed.  I wish Karma would have bit him some.  But it seems to be he has a pretty  good life.  I have a good life but have dealt and am dealing with a lot of issues that are just plain hard.  Not how I though life would be at my age. Another thing on my mind is my next birthday,  for some reason the number is bothering me,  it is not a major birthday but one that all the same is getting under my skin.

37 years

Well today is 37 years since I met my ex husband.  A teenage girl and a teenage boy meet on the Watterson Expressway, they start dating and a 13 months later get married.  Along the way they buy houses, have kids, get adult jobs and deal with everyday life.  It gets more complicated, they open their own company, build a dream house and start growing apart.  Instead of working on the issues she puts her head in the sand and he reverts to being a teenager and has an affair, lies and cheats.  I keep having to remind myself that we did have good times and I think he loved me some of the time.  But it doesn't take away all the pain he caused me and our kids with his behavior.  I know it has been almost 5 years since we decided to divorce and he has moved on but I still feel stuck in this loop of sadness and pain.  The 20th of this month is when I confronted him about his affair and the 22nd is when he said he didn't want to be married anymore.  My dad died on July 12th and his birthday was July 1st.  My wedding anniversary would have been Aug 6th.  So many dates that are mine fields for me.  I guess I'll get over it when I get over it.

Parents

Pretty soon I will be an orphan.  One having neither of their parents living.  My Dd has been dead almost 40 years.  I don't remember much about him.  I didn't get to know him as an adult  Only as a child.  I wish I had been able to know him as a grownup.  We never got to have conversations about life or anything like that.  He never got to see me grow up, meet his grandchildren.  In posting a picture of us today I realize I really do have his eyes.  My Mom told me that but I never really saw it before today.

Pretty soon my Mom will be with my Dad.  Something she has wanted from many years.  She is failing.  Physically and mentally.  Way to many falls in the last months.  Her brain was getting addled before but this has hastened her decline.   I never have any idea of what we will discuss when I go to see her.

The nursing home called on Tuesday before she fell and wanted to discuss tube feeding and IV liquids.  They know this is not what we want but wanted to confirm with me.  As they said we are not there yet but it is progressing in that direction, unless something drastic changes.  This was before she fell and EMS had to be called to take her to ER.  Lucky this time it wasn't major, an abrasion that bled a lot and a little more confusion, I think.  The confusion is there anyway just think maybe a little worse.  She generally knows who I am but Tuesday night at the ER there were times when she was talking about me to me.  It is always in the back of my mind that they may call me any time.  I won't even drink to much wine because they may call.  Always on alert I guess.

I wish it had been different for her,  this is not the way for anyone to end up,  but I guess we don't get a choice how we exit this life.

Tears and Fears

Feeling rather down  the last couple of days.  I've sat here and cried over the Oklahoma tornado, lost and found dogs, people on TV going through life crisis and true love. My heart hurts over so much.  I keep thinking true love is out there some where but again not sure where to look.  I just want a partner in life.  Someone to share the ups and downs with.  I would love to show him Mexico, Renn Faires and my friends.  I have so much love to share with someone.  I"m tired an that never makes my emotions go smoothly.  At least the job is starting to clam down.  My boss has given me a few good jobs lately.  I've been pitching in while the new guy is training,  she is letting me train him on his job and will start training on my job in a couple of weeks.  So I feel like I'm doing ok.  My 90 days are up on Sunday.  I should get a 90 day review. I can hope of a raise but doubtful that will happen.

Current Job

I'm one month into my new job and it is OK.  I'm stressed about making mistakes and the time card system drives me nuts.  It is set up on 100 ticks but I've got to get that I've got to be sure I'm working on 15 minutes which is 25 on their system and work it out so I don't get overtime.  I ran over 15 minutes Friday,  I thought I was leaving 15 minutes early, so I'm really stressed I'm going to get into trouble.  They are very tough on the rules on this job,  I emailed my boss and asked if she could change my time stamp.  I really didn't want the OT, I was ready to go, I was working on a spreadsheet with the 51 bills I got in on Friday.  I was busy 3 1/2 days last week out of 5.  I'm hoping I have enough work that they don't want to take me down to part time.  I need to not work so hard or fast,  I always seem to have this problem with my jobs.    Why do I have such a hard time with mistakes.  I can take this farther into my life and see where that is a lot of my heartache comes from.  Oh well I'll take my beating on Monday and get through it.

Christmas Eve Eve

Here I sit with two bored dogs tonight.  Have been feeling rather yucky since Thursday but I think I'm over the worst of it.  Amazing how a virus can take you and shake you inside out. Hopefully I will find a way to enjoy Christmas Eve,  I have to visit my Mom,  I missed Thursday because I was just too sick and I finally called her today and she really hadn't missed me.  I think if the laundry didn't pile up she wouldn't care if I came or not.  She's sick and has been for a good part of her life,  it has taken me until recently to acknowledge this and recognize this.  I guess you don't want to admit your Mom is mentally ill.  But it does color you all shades of grays and blacks.  I think I was able to love and care for my kids better than she did me.  I hope so, I made a big effort to parent like I wanted to be parented.  My kids still like me so I guess I did OK.  After that my family will be going to my ex in laws.  Every fiber in me desires to be there but it is not possible.  I am uncomfortable --they are uncomfortable.  We have grown way apart,  I guess mostly on my choice but to be around them and listen to them is like rubbing sandpaper and salt into wounds.  We always had holidays together, we had fun, laughed, talked and just enjoyed family.  I miss family.  It is odd I don't miss John so much as what I thought family was.  So I'm not sure what I will do tomorrow night,  Mom told me today that you get used to being alone on holidays.  The way I remember once we had kids we invited her to stay with us Christmas Eve so she could see the kids open their presents.  She always wanted to back out but I just kept trying.  I have been invited to a friends house for their family Christmas,  I feel weird,  I'm not really her family and I only know her son and his girlfriend.  I know her boyfriend but that is pretty much all.  I feel like a pity invite.  Christmas Day will be spent in a new way --going to a movie then over to my daughters to have Christmas Breakfast Dinner.  It is going to be very small this year. I'm pretty sure just daughter, son, son in law and myself.  It is sad to have such a small family.  I came from being an only child and loved being married into a large family.  When I was young we always had part of the day entertaining my dads family then when they left we went into my Grandma Kelly's.  My Mom was one of eight and I had 22 cousins,  not everyone was there the same time but enough to be fun.  The dinner table groaned,  we had to sit where we could because the table was full--overly full.  This all changed when my Dad got sick.  We only had one Christmas with him while he was sick and he was quite ill at that point.  I think that is when my childhood was gone forever.  I always was an old child having been raised as an only by what was older parents back in those days.  My Mom never did recover from his death.

I miss so much this time of year.  I wonder if my Dad hadn't gotten sick what life would have been like.  Would my Mom have had a better less bitter life?  Would they have even stayed married?   Would I have still met my ex husband?  I think that might have been different,  I think my Dad would have been more strict on my comings and goings.  My Mom just really didn't care.  She should have been thankful I was a good kid.  So if I hadn't met him then Erin and Mike wouldn't have been born--that is the only reason I'm glad things happened like they did.

About the Ex,  I keep playing one of those awful loops in my head today, nothing like not feeling great and being bored.  I keep hearing some of the things he said about me to me.  I had maybe an insight today,  maybe he was saying all of those things so he could believe them and make it easier on him to get out of the marriage.  When he said "He didn't think I loved him anymore, so I wouldn't care that he was having an affair"  maybe projecting because he knew it was wrong?  When he said I was lazy, stupid and enjoyed having a laugh at my expense,  just belittling me so he could feel better about what he was doing?    I know we had gotten to the point where we were not in sync anymore but it wasn't the first time in our 30+ years we had gotten to that point and we always managed to find what we had that made us get together, so I just thought it was another one of those periods.  I thought having the young friend that was also a girl who liked motorcycles, football, drinking and drugs was the mid life crisis thing coming back to haunt me again.  I thought I could outlast it and it turned out I was wrong.

The other thing that seems to play forever in my mind is how I got the short end of life in the divorce.  He got the house for a while, he kept the business, he had the girlfriend(took my place before my place was cold) and he got the family that he never really wanted.  Going to family things were something he did not enjoy but went because I asked him too.  He would never have remembered his Mom's birthday or to call her once a week if I hadn't reminded him.  I knew she looked forward to those calls.  I also am so angry that he has found a new relationship for over the past 2 years,  he didn't want to be tied down so the best I can tell is that he hasn't been by himself hardly at all since we separated .  It just doesn't seem fair--but who said life is fair.  If he ever remarries I think I might blow a gasket.  One of his major statements is" I will never get married again"    So I got rid of a major loser but also lost a lot of other important stuff to me.  I've had to stretch and grow the last few years.  It is painful.  There are times if I didn't have the dog to take care of and my Mom that I think I would have just let go.  But the  knowledge that they need me kept me going on.  I wouldn't want to hurt my kids,  I guess that is the real reason.

So I work on seeking the positives I have in my life:
I have kids who love me.
I have many great friends who love me
I have a nice home that I have put together mostly on my own
I have a job--this one is positive and negative but working on a new job
I still contribute to the world in small ways

Negatives
I don't like my job, it doesn't pay enough to live on
I am alone- I haven't found someone to share my journey with
My health is having some blips--trying to work on those
Depression seems to be a constant companion
Always worried about finances

Lots of stuff to think about on the eve of Christmas Eve

Stupid Head

OK, my broken record keeps playing.  I just don't understand how I could have done things right and have had someone treat me so wrong.  All I did was love and care and I got repaid by lying, cheating and abuse.  I think of where I was 4 years ago, this is the day I did battle because he wanted to cheat me out of a company we had built.  He didn't want to share like our separation agreement,  he opened up a whole separate company to run business from starting in Nov.  He was willing to change the name and take all the money for work he and I did together and cut me out.  I've cried buckets and buckets of tears.  I'mnot sure how a person can cry to much.  This is on top of cheating on the marriage and lying lying lying.  I didn't embrace all the things he wanted to do but I didn't mind when he rode the motorcycle, went to bike nights and rally's.  I was glad it made him happy.  It was adding a woman into that mix who molded herself to what he liked that tipped the scale. I was tired of being alone on weekends and having his mind and money going to his hobby.  I have to say at one point he offered to take a trip through the mountains in a convertible so I could go along.  The problem with that was he would have resented me for not riding the bike.  I know how he was when he wasn't happy,  he made everyone else around him unhappy.  I want to know why it matters so much to understand why he thought what he did was acceptable behavior,  he gave me the speech of it's not you it's me, that just sounds like a bunch of crock.  I want to know if the girl he had an affair with was the first or just one of many.  I want to know how he could have been so cruel.  I'll not get the answers I feel would help me move forward.  He is playing a good game for his family and my kids right now.  I don't think that skunk could change his stripe,  I think he is just covering for right now.  He lost a lot of respect from people during our divorce and must feel the need to redeem himself in his family.  They were so angry with him,  but that has died down and I've been replaced with the last girlfriend who he has had for over 2 years.  The I never want to be married has settled down with a woman and seems to have made some sort of commitment to her since he is living with her when he was in town.  The bad thing is I'm living a half life waiting to find a someone to join me in my life, I just feel we are better as  a pair. I'm lonely and never wanted to live alone.  I always wanted to be married to my love and here I am alone.  I want a partner but I'm afraid at the same time.  My baggage is in many suitcases and I need to be clearing them out but it is a difficult job.  I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this,  how can I trust someone when the one I trusted abused my trust so badly.