Holidays Not too bad

Well the holidays were not as bad as I anticipated this year.  Thanksgiving itself was just a day to survive.  I had my kids over the week before with good friends and that is what I consider my Thanksgiving.  Christmas was sort of the same.  Had my kids over and cooked and we enjoyed each others company.  I went to my in law family and enjoyed but feel like the odd man out.  They are funny and lovable but it's hard being the outsider now.  Christmas day was good.  The family you choose breakfast supper was a success.  Food was good and company was better.  We played games and talked and laughed.  One friend bought the best turkey I think I've ever eaten.  I think all enjoyed it.  So on a scale of 1 to 10 so far this season has been about a 6,  so pretty durn good.  I fell into tears tonight-not at all sure why.  Had just finished leftover biscuits and gravy-watching the Two Towers an broke into tears.  What gives with that?  It didn't last long and was over.  Delayed stress?  I don't know.

Feeling out of place

The last couple of days I've been feeling a bit out of place.  Like I don't belong in the time and place I'm in.  Not sure what is causing this or what to do about it.  I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the holidays, not sure why but I didn't feel this way before Thanksgiving.  Went to church this morning and enjoyed it, I get a lot out of it most of the time and today was really good.  I feel so positive when I'm there but so hard to put this into practice in real life.  I keep telling myself I'm a good person and people like me.  My negative mind says-I'm not good enough and I can't imagine why anyone would like me.  So it's war between my positive and negative self esteem.  When did I lose it, did I ever have self esteem?  Not sure but working hard on my own self.  I try so hard to be everything to everyone. Positive note---have a vacation in a warm place scheduled for the spring--sounds really good right now.

Holidays

I used to love the Holidays.  Not so much any more for a number of reasons.  Neither of my children got the love of the holidays that I had.  So we celebrate but not in a Hallmark kind of way.  This isn't bad but not what I envisioned when they were small.  My ex knew how much I enjoyed Christmas and even though he didn't share my feelings made Christmas special for me.  That's history.  My Mom has gone to a different reality so doesn't get into the holidays-so far her remarks have been "it's just another day" and did you get me some sweatshirts and what color.  I work for a church but they really don't get into the spirit of Christmas.  Amazing to me but true.  Right now most of what I feel around this time is a sense of loss and pain.  I know it is my job to find a new way to enjoy my life and I'm trying very hard to reinvent myself and have new expectations.  I have some good friends who help make this a bearable time.  I enjoy being with them and it makes me happy.  I'm having with my daughter  what we call "A family you choose Christmas dinner."  Any one of our friends who feels like it drops by and we feed them "Breakfast Supper"  Biscuits, gravy, grits, sausage and whatever else we feel like making. This makes me happy.  I feel best when I'm around people, not much on my own company I guess.  Life is a learning experience and the only thing certain is change.

Growth

I've been doing a lot of hard work.  Trying to make sense of a world that very rarely makes sense to me.  Just finished reading a book on Buddha.  I can draw some parallels to my life from the first two parts of his life but I don't think I can find any way to compare some of my life to the third section.  This could be because it hasn't happened yet and maybe it's not time in this life to move to a different step like he did.   I've also been trying to connect to my inner spirit and putting in a lot of thought to this.  My issue is not having my mind going to a thousand different places.  Peace isn't in my minds thoughts.  In church today it was a point to think about your center (spirit) not about all the things you needed to accomplish.  I managed for a brief period, that was very good for me.  I think sometimes I have hyperactivity of the mind.   This weekend had a bit of healing and a bit of letting go.