Time to think

Sometimes I have way to much time to think.  With working on healing and trying to take life a bit easier than I'm used to my mind has had way too much time to dwell on the past.    I've been going back to my childhood-trying to figure out if my Mom ever really loved me or just put up a front.  I never remember hugs and kisses but do remember being grabbed and spanked quite often.  Maybe that's why I have a good girl complex, don't do bad or you will be spanked.  I look at pictures and she never looks happy and if we are in a picture together she isn't generally holding me.  I know I changed the past,  I was a much more loving Mom to my kids that she ever was to me.  My kids were wanted and welcomed.  I think my Dad loved me. He always seemed to be more loving and kinder than she was. Is this the start of my pain of being rejected?  Is that why I fear to do some things because I'm afraid of being rejected.  I know some of this isn't in my mind.  I have a friend who knew my Mom, Dad and me,  she has recently told me that she thinks my Mom was jealous of me and my Dad's relationship.  That has started me delving into my past trying to make sense of things.  Karma has a funny way of working things,  I really wonder what I've done in my past to end up with all the bites Karma has sent my way.  Taking care of my Mom is no joy,  I've been doing it since I was 16 years old in one form or another.  Now I have total responsibility of her care.  Karma bites.

I gave my heart to a boy when I was still a girl and he held it for a good number of years, until he decided he didn't want to be married anymore.  He was not a good man,  the boy he was was much more honest, caring  and kind.  The man he evolved into was a liar, cheater and thief.  Why did I work so hard to make it work only to have him do horrible things.  Why did I try to fight in a way for him when he had already checked out.  People try to convince me he has changed, I think he is very good about putting on a front.   I just don't believe he has had a epiphany and  is now a honest good man again.    I am very afraid he will hurt our kids, that is when I could knock him down and say a lot of the things I refrained from during the divorce. They have their own issues with him, they are adults  and the relationship they have are what they can make work with him.  Again Karma bites,  this was suppose to be the easy time in life,  when retirement beckons and money isn't such a stress.  He picked the worse economic time to decide to throw me over.

Have I ever had a job that I enjoyed and looked forward to going to.  No. This job I have now is a stress ridden toxic job.  I'm looking but nothing is really happening yet.  I'm not sure this is Karma or I just picked the wrong career path.  But I'm afraid to try something different,  I know it is an excuse but it is how I feel.  I'm not sure I'm smart enough or could do it.  School is something I haven't experienced since 1979  do I have the brain power to study and remember.  Will my age be against me in a new career?  It goes against me know in my job search.

Way to much time in my head.  My heart still hurts with pains from a lot of different things.  My Dad, my Mom, John and choices I've made.  I'm still grieving what I thought I had,  not what was the reality but what my rose colored glasses gave me.  I'm afraid I will grow old and not find anyone to share the golden years with.  I really only wanted to be a wife and mother in life,  the degree and job where just something to help all the other stuff happen.  I feel like a ruderless ship, don't know what direction to go into,  how to get where I think I want to be.