Finding Love

Beginning to wonder if I will ever find love.  I know the song says looking for love in all the wrong place--I don't even know where those are and sure don't know the right places.  I hesitate to try web sites,  I just don't feel comfortable --can't tell who they are and the tonal inflection of what someone says.  I'm open---I look at Krogers and lots of other places I go,  I smile and look friendly.  I make comments to strangers sometimes.  I don't know that bars are the place--at least I would have to go to the wrinkle room to find some around my age.  I need a wingman to go with me.  Not comfortable going by myself.  I just feel socially awkward in situations like that.  It is hard for me to talk to people that just pop up,  I don't know what to say.   Maybe this weekend I'll spend some time on the web.  Maybe pay for match for a couple of months,  just to see what happens.  The only guy that flatters me feels more like a friend.  I think we have each liked each other but never at the same time,  it doesn't seem to connect in that way.  I like him as a friend.   You would think I would have friends who know single guys--they are out there just hiding from me.

Starting Over

I wish I could say I've started over and am living the life I'm suppose to live.  But not yet.  I went to someone -a Doctor/Healer tonight.  My friend has pretty much insisted that I go, she feels that I'm stuck in the past.  She is right in a lot of ways but we all heal in our own time.  That was one bit of wisdom he gave me tonight.  He also said it sounds like I have a bit of PTSD going on.  He said it sounded like I went through a lot of trauma with my divorce and all the things that happened before, during and after.  He has some classes that would help, he also feels that I could use some massage and yoga to help me work on the body pain I have going on.  He feels that you are a sum of mind, body and spirit and you must treat all parts in order to heal.  I have to say this sounds reasonable to me.  I know when I was getting regular massages and therapy I did feel better.  The big if is money,  I don't make enough to pay all my bills,  if I didn't have savings I don't know what I would do.  I try to live simply,  the biggest thing I do for me is use my tax refund to go to Mexico once a year,  not sure how much longer I can do this.  I have savings, do I use them to enjoy life now or save some for retirement--decisions decisions.  Things will ease a bit when my car is paid for-still 3 + years away.  My house is 14 years away.  I will pay my lawn tractor off in May 2014.  Those are my bills.  I pay my credit cards off monthly.  My big expense this year has been medical.  5000.00+ with medicines and surgery this year.  That is what has tightened up my budget.   At least I can see it.  Next year will be better, hopefully I will get a raise in Feb.  Just some random thoughts in my brain tonight.  Last night was a major night of not being able to sleep.  I went to bed at 11:15 and was awake until after 2- then woke up again around 3:20 and did that off and on until 6:50am when my alarm blared.  I am really tired but having a hard time giving up and going to bed.  Tomorrow I will celebrate with family and friends the occasion of my birth on the 20th of August.  It should be good.

Doing OK

I'm really glad I kept busy yesterday and will be busy tomorrow.  Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of confronting my ex about his affair.  It was a horrible day and night.  It started the nightmare that lasted way to long in my life.  Tomorrow is the date he told me he didn't want to be married any longer.  He said if we did we would just just end up hating one another in two years.  I guess he didn't realize I already hated him,  after the mental abuse he put me through after the break how could I want to be his friend.  I hate the fact he has seemed to move on without any regret.  I did have a lot of regrets.  I know there were actions that I should have taken or changed.  I wish Karma would have bit him some.  But it seems to be he has a pretty  good life.  I have a good life but have dealt and am dealing with a lot of issues that are just plain hard.  Not how I though life would be at my age. Another thing on my mind is my next birthday,  for some reason the number is bothering me,  it is not a major birthday but one that all the same is getting under my skin.

37 years

Well today is 37 years since I met my ex husband.  A teenage girl and a teenage boy meet on the Watterson Expressway, they start dating and a 13 months later get married.  Along the way they buy houses, have kids, get adult jobs and deal with everyday life.  It gets more complicated, they open their own company, build a dream house and start growing apart.  Instead of working on the issues she puts her head in the sand and he reverts to being a teenager and has an affair, lies and cheats.  I keep having to remind myself that we did have good times and I think he loved me some of the time.  But it doesn't take away all the pain he caused me and our kids with his behavior.  I know it has been almost 5 years since we decided to divorce and he has moved on but I still feel stuck in this loop of sadness and pain.  The 20th of this month is when I confronted him about his affair and the 22nd is when he said he didn't want to be married anymore.  My dad died on July 12th and his birthday was July 1st.  My wedding anniversary would have been Aug 6th.  So many dates that are mine fields for me.  I guess I'll get over it when I get over it.

Parents

Pretty soon I will be an orphan.  One having neither of their parents living.  My Dd has been dead almost 40 years.  I don't remember much about him.  I didn't get to know him as an adult  Only as a child.  I wish I had been able to know him as a grownup.  We never got to have conversations about life or anything like that.  He never got to see me grow up, meet his grandchildren.  In posting a picture of us today I realize I really do have his eyes.  My Mom told me that but I never really saw it before today.

Pretty soon my Mom will be with my Dad.  Something she has wanted from many years.  She is failing.  Physically and mentally.  Way to many falls in the last months.  Her brain was getting addled before but this has hastened her decline.   I never have any idea of what we will discuss when I go to see her.

The nursing home called on Tuesday before she fell and wanted to discuss tube feeding and IV liquids.  They know this is not what we want but wanted to confirm with me.  As they said we are not there yet but it is progressing in that direction, unless something drastic changes.  This was before she fell and EMS had to be called to take her to ER.  Lucky this time it wasn't major, an abrasion that bled a lot and a little more confusion, I think.  The confusion is there anyway just think maybe a little worse.  She generally knows who I am but Tuesday night at the ER there were times when she was talking about me to me.  It is always in the back of my mind that they may call me any time.  I won't even drink to much wine because they may call.  Always on alert I guess.

I wish it had been different for her,  this is not the way for anyone to end up,  but I guess we don't get a choice how we exit this life.

Tears and Fears

Feeling rather down  the last couple of days.  I've sat here and cried over the Oklahoma tornado, lost and found dogs, people on TV going through life crisis and true love. My heart hurts over so much.  I keep thinking true love is out there some where but again not sure where to look.  I just want a partner in life.  Someone to share the ups and downs with.  I would love to show him Mexico, Renn Faires and my friends.  I have so much love to share with someone.  I"m tired an that never makes my emotions go smoothly.  At least the job is starting to clam down.  My boss has given me a few good jobs lately.  I've been pitching in while the new guy is training,  she is letting me train him on his job and will start training on my job in a couple of weeks.  So I feel like I'm doing ok.  My 90 days are up on Sunday.  I should get a 90 day review. I can hope of a raise but doubtful that will happen.

Current Job

I'm one month into my new job and it is OK.  I'm stressed about making mistakes and the time card system drives me nuts.  It is set up on 100 ticks but I've got to get that I've got to be sure I'm working on 15 minutes which is 25 on their system and work it out so I don't get overtime.  I ran over 15 minutes Friday,  I thought I was leaving 15 minutes early, so I'm really stressed I'm going to get into trouble.  They are very tough on the rules on this job,  I emailed my boss and asked if she could change my time stamp.  I really didn't want the OT, I was ready to go, I was working on a spreadsheet with the 51 bills I got in on Friday.  I was busy 3 1/2 days last week out of 5.  I'm hoping I have enough work that they don't want to take me down to part time.  I need to not work so hard or fast,  I always seem to have this problem with my jobs.    Why do I have such a hard time with mistakes.  I can take this farther into my life and see where that is a lot of my heartache comes from.  Oh well I'll take my beating on Monday and get through it.