A bit surprised

I had my mid year review at work today.  It only took 12 minutes.  I got one added goal which wasn't bad since my boss got 3, of course I will help her with them but it is ultimately fall on her.  Then in a sort of surprise move she asked me if I would be interested in my boss's job.  She is leaving in Dec of 2012.  I told her I would be interested but we would have to talk about it at length.  I think the first thing would be talking salary.  Then we would need to define the job expectations.  One of the things I worry about is that our boss is also leaving in the near future.  I have a feeling her date may also be Dec 2012 but she isn't telling.  This is not a job I enjoy but I could do her work and we would have to hire someone to do mine.  The like to be very PC on who they hire.  I was a surprise as a white woman but apparently I was the most qualified.    I feel like there would be job security for at least 6 years maybe longer.  So do I really think about taking on the business associates job or do I keep looking for a different position?  They give a pretty good package when they have to let people go.  If I work until Jan 6th 2012 I will have a pension, small but a pension.  I think I'm going to keep looking but also keep deciding if I would like to do the job.  When I mentioned that I didn't know if I would like to be chewed up and spit out like they do my Boss at the meeting she said she didn't think that would be a problem for me.  Theresa is a bit forceful and I think that may cause her issues that I wouldn't have.  Who knows.

Questions but no answers

I've got a lot of questions on how things work and how life is suppose to go.  I have very few answers, I wish I knew more or could understand better. I wish I knew why I let my ex have so much attention from me.  I don't want to think about him or dream about his.  I can't seem to let go of the past.

My counselor said his ultimate goal for me is to trust in the unknown. He told me that I have to know all the ends and outs of whatever I'm going to do.  I have to examine and be cautious.  He is right about that, I have been that way as long as I can remember.  He feels that I need to have faith and take a chance on things sometime.    He has helped me a lot over the past year and most of the time I feel better after I have talked with him.  I just wish I had the answers and knew the future.  Don't most of us wish that?

Reflections

I'm reflecting on my life.  Saw a play tonight that brought a bunch of hurt up.  The female older lead had some forgetfullness, (reminds me of my Mom),  the husband who was dead wanted to come back and make sure that she knew he loved her.  Reminded me of the one I had who didn't.  And the 3 kids who all had their issues.  I've never been sure my Mom loved me and my dad died when I was young so I think he loved me but really don't know.  This brought the hurt I have been trying to heal.

I've had another pain in realizing my lost family is having a cookout tomorrow,  I wasn't invited so I have to figure    that the ex must be coming.  This is so hard,  I miss my place in the scheme of things.  I haven't made my place in my new life.  I was with some good friends tonight and I am envious of the relationships between them.  It is what I thought I had but didn't .  I just can't seem to find the starting point--I want a good relationship with a good man,  I want to find my place in life.  I really don't want to be like my Mom and be lonely and shut in for the last 25 years of her life.  She told me last Sunday that she has regrets, wishes she had done things differently. I can't help her with this.  She had lucid moments-most are but then she goes somewhere else.  This is hard.

I made a list today of my good qualities --I have them and need to celebrate them.  I have an identity and need to claim it.  It seems self serving to list your good qualities but must recognize them and develop self esteem.  It seems a long time since I felt good about myself.  This is something I need to work on.

Strength

I have come to accept that I am a strong person.  Lesser women would not have coped as well (I didn't think and still don't think I'm doing that well) but I have had several people comment on my strength.    It doesn't seem to help when my emotions get the best of me or when I'm very tired.  That said, I'm reflecting on the past 3 years and a few further back.  Since July of 2008 I have learned how to cope in an insufferable situation, seen a home become just a house, lost my job, ended the only relationship I've ever had with a man and deal with being lied too, cheated on, betrayed and made a fool of.  I've bought the only house I've been totally responsible for, got a new job, lived alone for the first time ever and managed to get by.  I've had the strength do deal with a dog with Alzheimers, a mother with dementia/Altzeimers, find the only possible solution-nursing home and get her on Medicaid.  I've had to let go of some wonderful people who were my family for over 30 years,  you can't keep the same family when the divorce is ugly, he is blood, I'm not.  This has been a difficult step and still working on it.  I've said goodbye to my puppy when it came time to do the right thing.  I've done house repairs, figured out what was wrong when things happened and fixed them.  I've learned to ask for help when I can't do something(this has been hard since the lessons I learned when young was don't ask for help)

I've done an awful lot of soul searching and looked in places in my soul that aren't pretty.  I've come to the conclusion that I'm a good soul most of the time.  I'm a good friend and love with my whole heart when I do.  I'm thoughtful, and care for people and try to solve things for them.  This causes a level of frustration when I can't fix things.   My heart hurts when my friends hurt..  This year I lost a friend fairly close to my age rapidly and not expecting it.  He was a good man and his wife my friend for over 30 years is hurting so bad and I can't do anything but hope for her.  

I've healed a lot and still have further to go.  I wish it was easy and didn't have backsliding.

So all in all I've done well.

So Tired

I am so tired of having to deal with stuff.  I understand this stuff is small but it seems to leap out of no where and aggravate the crap out of me.  My sister in law called tonight--she checks on the house I have for sale.  It has rained way to much and the basement is musky,  so I'm going to pay her $75.00 to clean it up and get it smelling better.  For some reason I really don't want to go back to the house I grew up in.  It probably has a lot to do with all the stuff that has happened the last couple of years.  She also found a letter in the box,  it's a bill from a collection agency for the garage service I stopped last November.  So I have spent way too long looking for my notes of when I called them.  I remember doing it because we discussed where they needed to pick up their can, it was in the back part of the driveway.  So tomorrow I have to deal with that.  The funny thing is the bill is in my Dad's name.  He has been dead since 1973,  they would have a hard time collecting.  I went through the same thing with the water company, again it was in his name.  I kind of put it to them they had to send the bill to me if they wanted to be paid, surprise they agreed.

My soul feels so unsettled.  I think I know one of my greatest fears,  did an exercise with a women's group I went to.  I don't know how so resolve this fear.  I guess time will either let it happen or I'll find what I need to be happy.

Parents die, become ill, dogs go to their happy reward, marriages end, jobs disappear, homes dissolve and become houses, jobs change and become unbearable, houses remain unsold, health issues arise.  These are the hard things.  I'm looking for joy, happy times, love, good friends, enjoying my job, good health and peace.   I think I must be asking for way too much-I see other people with it and don't understand why I can't have it.

Decisions

Today I got a call from the realtor with an offer from an investor for Mom's house.  It was a terrible low ball offer, 15000.00 less than I was asking.  I will counter offer cutting it 4000. and no closing, repair or any other kind of cost.  We'll see if they go for it.  I called my son to get his opinion.  I think he was flattered, I don't usually ask for opinions just tend to go my own way but I wanted someone to bounce my thoughts off of.  This could be a positive if they go for it.  I'm still sourcing on two jobs I applied to at Humana.  It's been almost a month so they are still looking at me.  They are very good about sending rejection emails.  So maybe some positive things will be in the future.

When?

I'm not sure I believe in karma.  If there is karma I'd really like to know what I've done so wrong and bad in my life that it keeps taking swipes of my soul.  If karma exists how come some people who do wrong and don't try to say their sorry and make amends never get blasted .  I've know a lot of good people who seem to live under the  same dark cloud I'm beginning to suspect is planted over my head never get a break.  I have so many people who tell me I've got it good and I'm lucky in the way I got out of a bad situation but don't have to live the pain and heartache that I still feel.  I don't want to go back to where I was, I realize it was a negative place and I wasn't treasured and loved the way I deserved.   I just wish I could understand when if ever it was a good relationship.  The only good thing out of that was the two wonderful individuals that came from the union.  So I have to wonder what I've done so wrong in life to have things happen.  I have not had a good year since 2006, one that nothing major bad thing has occurred.  Mom having cancer on her face, eye stroke 2007, cheated on and used in bad ways plus lost my job , marriage and home all in one instant.  2008.  In 2009 took the job that was offered (positive was I met some good people) not a good one but a job, found and bought a house (positive) but had to settled everything in a divorce-lost some things that held memories and things that I found would have been useful later (I can buy these things).  The divorce was an ugly creature,  the lack of respect really came through from him.  Costly for sure.  Things were starting to get on an even keel and then  Morgan and Mom are diagnosed with Altzehimers .  Mom had to live with me for over 80 days.  It's not easy having to be the parent to your parent-of course I was a host of different people while all this was happening.  I got her into a good nursing home-if any is good.  She has been angry and unhappy with me since I did this.  So I live with that every week.  I thought 2011 might be a good year and in Feb. I had to put my Morgan to sleep.  She was uncomfortable and in pain so it was necessary.  Since Feb. I've been fighting the dragon of depression.  It sneaks up and takes me to sad places and not good thoughts.  I fight these thought since I know my life isn't that bad.  Chemical imbalance is what I'm suspecting.  I feel like I've lost so much these last couple of years.  I keep getting the message change is good--I have a hard time believing so -most of my change has been forced and uncomfortable.  I try so hard.