Hit over the head with weariness

I'm on day 17 post surgery and I think this week is harder than the last.  I keep reminding myself that I had major invasive surgery that lasted 4 hours,  so major work with major operating time.  I'm still sleeping on my back sitting up somewhat.  So pain, lack of good sleep and some depression all playing into my mood.  I want to cry but to tired to do it.  Took one of my last two pain pills and getting a little relief but still hurts.  I asked if they could give me something better than advil but less than percocet and the nurse offered to see if the doctor would send some Vicodene to the pharmacy ,I didn't hear nothing today so guess he either wouldn't or she didn't get hold of him.  Now I have to wonder if Vicodene and Loratab are really hydracodine which is something I'm allergic to.  I just want some relief.  I go back to work next week,  I don't know if my energy will be up to the task.:(

Moving On

I guess I'm not good at moving on.  Tomorrow is Thunder Over day and the ex and I had been going for many years.  When we opened our company we got really good seats down on the River.  It was a big splurge that we enjoyed.  Now the thought of Thunder just gives me pain.  Why does he still have a small corner of my heart surrounded by pain.  My son is going with him.  It's good for Mike but hope it isn't too much for his issues.  I guess I hurt so much because here I sit still by myself.  I think I'm open for love, finding someone to spend time with.  Why is it so hard for me but was way to easy for him to move on.  He had a girlfriend before I even knew we were over.  He kept her for awhile then found a woman he has been with for two years.  So far I've managed one coffee date, one dutch date and a movie and lunch date,  for heavens sake it's been over 3 years.  Is it fear that keeps me from getting in the swim of things?  Possible.  I'm sitting here recovering from surgery, feeling alone and not feeling very well at all.  It's been a week and it's been tough.  I'm older than the last major surgery I had so I guess I should have expected this to be hard.  I think it will be worth it when I'm healed.  I feel like I'm missing something in my life.  Am I going to grow old like my Mom, all alone in my house becoming a recluse like her?  I don't think so but I feel like I'm following a pattern that she had.  I've got to change things,  I don't want to be like her.  Lots of stuff coming up since I'm tired and feeling yucky.  More tears,  I've cried buckets and buckets of tears but always seem to be more.

New Me

I'm getting ready to take a big step to a new me.  I'm facing surgery tomorrow and am worried about the pain and healing that will have to take place.  It will help my health and maybe make me feel better about my body.  All that is to be determined.  I discovered I rely a lot on Advil,  I have not been able to take it for about 2 weeks and find my pain level has gone up several notches.   Maybe this surgery will help cut down on the Advil use,  that would be good.  I guess I shall see, I probably should going to bed, but not sure I will sleep, but should try.

Grass cutting

I've realized I get a lot of thinking going on when I cut grass.  Not a job I like or enjoy.  In times pass I've cussed and fussed at my ex.  I blamed him for having to do these jobs,  I actually did them while we were married, so not sure why I cussed him then.  So today while cutting the grass I got to thinking about being in a relationship.  I realized that I'm not up to having my heart broke again.  So this makes me wonder if I could commit to a relationship.  I think you have to risk your heart in order to have something wonderful with someone.  I guess it would matter on how special the person was.  I just want someone who will love, respect, care and take me for who I am.  I would love to meet someone and find out about how to date in this century.

Things Ahead

I finally got insurance to pay for a procedure that I've been wanting for a while.  Some of the desire for this is to help my pain levels and some is that maybe it will help me accept myself better.  I'm both excited and scared at the same time.  I have had several major surgeries,  I know the fear and I know what to expect afterward.  There will be pain, discomfort and being extremely tired.  This will last for a little while.  I will have to rediscover my balance since this will be changed.  I hope it meets my expectations.  It will also give me freedom to start looking to start over in a new job.  I'm so down on energy from working in a extremely negative place.  I really think there needs to be a mix of males and females in a job.  I work with all females and some of the behavior would not happen if there was a man in the mix.  Some females just need a male around to stop some of their silly games and act right.  I'm sad that it seems to still be that way in the world.  It makes me sad that some females still act that way. So between the behaviors, low pay and the thought in my mind that the organization I work for is on a downhill slide--it's time to look for a new better paying position.  I was hanging around for several reasons and by mid May they should be completed.   But I have now got a small(really small) pension and insurance will pick up 80% of the costs with this surgery and I have sick days to use-so will get paid while I'm off it was worth hanging on to this job for a while longer.  I would love to find something different to do, but my skills are what they are and I don't think I would get paid enough if I started over in a different field.  It is hard when you are the one wage earner and still have most of the costs of a couple.  House doesn't care if one or two people live in it .  The costs are pretty much the same.  So I guess I'll stay in the field I'm in and hopefully make +10,000 more than I'm making now.  It all depends on how much neck I'm willing to stick out.

History

Well another weekend is history,  if only the workdays passed as fast as the weekend.  I had a fun Friday night, a introspective Sat. and a busy and fun Sunday.  It sucks that we lost an hour.  I need to go to bed but my brain is saying-it's too early for you to go to sleep, which means tomorrow will be really hard.  It takes me at least a week to get used to the change.  The Spring forward is always worse.


Well off for another week of  {fun}, maybe I'll get the go ahead from the insurance company and get that done so I can get really busy looking for a job.  I eagerly look for the mail right now.

Feelings of lost

I'm sitting at home on a Sat. night.  I know I could have gone to a single event, I know I could have posted and found someone to go out to dinner with but felt the need to recharge my batteries a little.  I realized tonight that I'm waiting,  waiting on a medical decision from the insurance -which means I need to wait on finding a new job(good insurance),  waiting on finding someone to be in my life, waiting to go to Mexico again, waiting to lose weight, waiting to have life begin.  Why is it the I can't be satisfied with what I have?  It's not a bad life,  I have a lot of good people in my life, I have fun and I can support myself and take care of myself.  I just feel like I'm waiting.  I have been revisiting going back to school to do something different,  not sure what but I'm so burned out on accounting.  I need to make a certain amount of money in order to have the standard of living I've got now, so the job would have to make that much.  I know from reading that a lot of what is in my head is excuses not to take action.  Fear plays a big part in that  I've always viewed change as a negative thing but I need to reverse that and see that change can be positive.

I've been dealing with some losses of friends.  I had the urge to call one of them tonight but realized that it wouldn't so any good.  I'm afraid that chapter has closed with a loud bang, really just a whimper but it can never be what it was before.  I miss her but we can't seem to get on a level footing.  The relationship has just changed.  She has told me many times that I was her best friend,  it doesn't seem that it lasted.  When you have to guard what you say all the time it makes it difficult.  Damn John for all the pain he has caused so many people.  My kids have suffered, his family has suffered and I've suffered.  I wish things had been different.

I'm just feeling lonely and sad tonight, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.