My mood has dropped into the floor. I had a really good Friday night with friends, Sat. some more friends stopped by and we had dinner together.  So that was the good part.  Today I've sat too much, watched too much TV and brooded too much.  I had every intention of doing come fall cleaning today,  Taking one room and cleaning from top to bottom.  I just couldn't summon up the energy. I feel oddly guilty when I don't do something, reading and playing on the computer seems wasteful.

So as I get tired and night falls I get sad.  I wonder if I will ever get another job,  I wonder if I will ever find a man to love me as I deserve to be loved,  I wonder if life will ever have less stress, I wonder if my aches and pains will ever subside.  All questions that I don't have the answers to.  I wish I knew the answers.

I did mange to pick some books and movies to put into the give away pile.  So not a totally wasted day.

Again

My birthday was last week.  I've tried not to let the fact that my Mom didn't even say happy birthday to me bother me. She didn't realize it was my birthday I guess.  She has dementia,  so I don't expect a lot from her but even 25 years ago she didn't remember my birthday.  My ex husband used to call her to remind her.  She only had one kid--me.  You wouldn't think it would be hard to remember that kids birthday.  I try to give her slack now since she isn't all there but she looks at her calender every day and marks the days off, you think Aug. 20 would have possibly spurred her mind.  I don't know why I let things like that bother but it does.  I guess I've always wanted her love and approval and respect but I don't think I will ever get it from her.  The time to maybe make peace with her has slipped away like her mind is doing.

Love actually

I'm sitting here watching a movie called Love Actually,  it is a good movie that has given me food for thought.  There are a lot of different kinds of love.  Friend Love, Romantic Love, Shallow Love and fake love.    I'm also looking for Soul Mate Love,  I think it exists,  I hope it exists, I want it to exist.  Finding it is another thing.  I don't know where to look and I'm afraid to let myself let go when I do find it.  I've figured out that I am afraid,  when you put your feelings out there you can get hurt very much.  I met a guy on line,  very nice guy but not what I'm looking for.  I could keep going out and I might, but just as a friend.  I'm like a fish in very tall reeds,  looking out at the world and darting out into the open, sampling but swimming back into my safe reed home.  I can see this very clearly and want to draw it out and just can't seem to get it down on paper.  I'm a frightened fish.  

I got a little angry today and railed against fate,  then thought why not me.  Fate Karma or whatever has given me a chance to make new tomorrows and I'm wasting time looking back on the past.  I'm still hurt from all that happened.  I'm still angry about what happened.  I didn't deserve what went on  but and a big but maybe I wasn't paying attention to karma and doing the things I should so had to be whacked over the heart with a big stick studded with nails.  That induced me to make a change.  I don't care much for change,  it has seemed to me to be negative.  I'm going to two job interviews on Monday and have to say it scares the  crap out of me.  Even though what I have is not good and giving me way too much stress at least I know it.  I'm trying to be positive that a change will be good.

Am I ever going to feel like life is good.  It has it's good time and I'm still grieving over the pass.  I tried to empty some of the past earlier this week and though I had made some progress and I guess I did.

My brain hurts.

Pain

I've discovered that pain for me drains my energy and spirits.  The pain I've been dealing with for a long time.  Years in fact.  Neck/shoulders/arms/hips/knees. At one point or another and sometimes in tandem all these things hurt.  Surgery in April was a good idea but I didn't think on the long term pain of it.  My IBT's are still sore and still healing.  Since then I've developed a painful left shoulder. I've been through all the non invasive treatment we could think of.  Stretching, exercise, deep tissue massage, ultrasound, acupuncture and iontophereses.  Nothing has stopped the pain which sometimes reaches an 8 on the pain scale.  We think it is a torn rotator cuff.  So now I get to go to an orthopedist and see if that is what it is.  The choices once there if it is torn is an injection or surgery.  So I guess an MRI is in my future then a diagnose and figure out next step.  I get relief when I find the sweet spot where it isn't painful but just aches.

My spirits are low. I'm tired, if I roll over in bed wrong the pain strikes.  There is pain in so many places but nothing that keeps me from going on.  It has been suggested I have fibromaligia  but no one has given me that as a thing I have.  So I just keep on taking pain pills,  the lowest doses I can get by with.  I can't imagine what life is without  pain

Aftermath

I had a great 4th of July party yesterday.  I had a good number of friends come, over 25 and we all talked and ate and tried to stay cool.  Temp's of 105 with all those bodies make the house rather warm.  Everything was good until someone uninvited came.  Some other people I invited to this party are very uncomfortable with this person.  The person has said some really ugly things about one of my friends and has been acting badly.  So I did not include them in the invites.  The couple who was uncomfortable with this person left shortly after he arrived.  After talking with another friend I think I know who invited him.  I really don't know what to do or say should this happen again.  I don't plan on a large party for quite some time so maybe this will work out before that happens.  I feel like I'm in high school sometimes,  although I really understand why some people really don't want to be around him.

I enjoyed giving this party I like to have people over and it was really a low key party.  I didn't have to decorate or anything extra.  So I like to have people around, one of the things that makes me happy.

I'm still dealing with depression,  guess I will talk with my therapist on Tues.  I can guess that some days around this time are trigger points.  anniversaries and breakup dates.  July is full of these and so is August.  I'll get through but man is it hard.

Time to think

Sometimes I have way to much time to think.  With working on healing and trying to take life a bit easier than I'm used to my mind has had way too much time to dwell on the past.    I've been going back to my childhood-trying to figure out if my Mom ever really loved me or just put up a front.  I never remember hugs and kisses but do remember being grabbed and spanked quite often.  Maybe that's why I have a good girl complex, don't do bad or you will be spanked.  I look at pictures and she never looks happy and if we are in a picture together she isn't generally holding me.  I know I changed the past,  I was a much more loving Mom to my kids that she ever was to me.  My kids were wanted and welcomed.  I think my Dad loved me. He always seemed to be more loving and kinder than she was. Is this the start of my pain of being rejected?  Is that why I fear to do some things because I'm afraid of being rejected.  I know some of this isn't in my mind.  I have a friend who knew my Mom, Dad and me,  she has recently told me that she thinks my Mom was jealous of me and my Dad's relationship.  That has started me delving into my past trying to make sense of things.  Karma has a funny way of working things,  I really wonder what I've done in my past to end up with all the bites Karma has sent my way.  Taking care of my Mom is no joy,  I've been doing it since I was 16 years old in one form or another.  Now I have total responsibility of her care.  Karma bites.

I gave my heart to a boy when I was still a girl and he held it for a good number of years, until he decided he didn't want to be married anymore.  He was not a good man,  the boy he was was much more honest, caring  and kind.  The man he evolved into was a liar, cheater and thief.  Why did I work so hard to make it work only to have him do horrible things.  Why did I try to fight in a way for him when he had already checked out.  People try to convince me he has changed, I think he is very good about putting on a front.   I just don't believe he has had a epiphany and  is now a honest good man again.    I am very afraid he will hurt our kids, that is when I could knock him down and say a lot of the things I refrained from during the divorce. They have their own issues with him, they are adults  and the relationship they have are what they can make work with him.  Again Karma bites,  this was suppose to be the easy time in life,  when retirement beckons and money isn't such a stress.  He picked the worse economic time to decide to throw me over.

Have I ever had a job that I enjoyed and looked forward to going to.  No. This job I have now is a stress ridden toxic job.  I'm looking but nothing is really happening yet.  I'm not sure this is Karma or I just picked the wrong career path.  But I'm afraid to try something different,  I know it is an excuse but it is how I feel.  I'm not sure I'm smart enough or could do it.  School is something I haven't experienced since 1979  do I have the brain power to study and remember.  Will my age be against me in a new career?  It goes against me know in my job search.

Way to much time in my head.  My heart still hurts with pains from a lot of different things.  My Dad, my Mom, John and choices I've made.  I'm still grieving what I thought I had,  not what was the reality but what my rose colored glasses gave me.  I'm afraid I will grow old and not find anyone to share the golden years with.  I really only wanted to be a wife and mother in life,  the degree and job where just something to help all the other stuff happen.  I feel like a ruderless ship, don't know what direction to go into,  how to get where I think I want to be.

Down

I've been down in the dumps for a while.  I'm trying to pull out but have a really hard time doing so.  I haven't gone through this surgery to make a nice looking corpse.  I wish I knew what to do, I wish I had a plan for life.  I didn't have a good marriage and I don't know why I mourn it still.  I cried when I was married and I'm crying now, so is now any different from then?    I don't have to deal with a moody and unfaithful husband so this crying I'm doing know should be better.  I cry from frustration, being lonely and fear.   I'm afraid I won't be able to take care of myself in the future.  I don't want to be a burden on anyone, I want to find joy and fun in my future.  I worry about money, being able to retire (probably never) and aging.

I've got good friends and a good home and a wonderful puppy dog, so all in all my life is good.  I just keep repeating it.