Things Ahead

I finally got insurance to pay for a procedure that I've been wanting for a while.  Some of the desire for this is to help my pain levels and some is that maybe it will help me accept myself better.  I'm both excited and scared at the same time.  I have had several major surgeries,  I know the fear and I know what to expect afterward.  There will be pain, discomfort and being extremely tired.  This will last for a little while.  I will have to rediscover my balance since this will be changed.  I hope it meets my expectations.  It will also give me freedom to start looking to start over in a new job.  I'm so down on energy from working in a extremely negative place.  I really think there needs to be a mix of males and females in a job.  I work with all females and some of the behavior would not happen if there was a man in the mix.  Some females just need a male around to stop some of their silly games and act right.  I'm sad that it seems to still be that way in the world.  It makes me sad that some females still act that way. So between the behaviors, low pay and the thought in my mind that the organization I work for is on a downhill slide--it's time to look for a new better paying position.  I was hanging around for several reasons and by mid May they should be completed.   But I have now got a small(really small) pension and insurance will pick up 80% of the costs with this surgery and I have sick days to use-so will get paid while I'm off it was worth hanging on to this job for a while longer.  I would love to find something different to do, but my skills are what they are and I don't think I would get paid enough if I started over in a different field.  It is hard when you are the one wage earner and still have most of the costs of a couple.  House doesn't care if one or two people live in it .  The costs are pretty much the same.  So I guess I'll stay in the field I'm in and hopefully make +10,000 more than I'm making now.  It all depends on how much neck I'm willing to stick out.

History

Well another weekend is history,  if only the workdays passed as fast as the weekend.  I had a fun Friday night, a introspective Sat. and a busy and fun Sunday.  It sucks that we lost an hour.  I need to go to bed but my brain is saying-it's too early for you to go to sleep, which means tomorrow will be really hard.  It takes me at least a week to get used to the change.  The Spring forward is always worse.


Well off for another week of  {fun}, maybe I'll get the go ahead from the insurance company and get that done so I can get really busy looking for a job.  I eagerly look for the mail right now.

Feelings of lost

I'm sitting at home on a Sat. night.  I know I could have gone to a single event, I know I could have posted and found someone to go out to dinner with but felt the need to recharge my batteries a little.  I realized tonight that I'm waiting,  waiting on a medical decision from the insurance -which means I need to wait on finding a new job(good insurance),  waiting on finding someone to be in my life, waiting to go to Mexico again, waiting to lose weight, waiting to have life begin.  Why is it the I can't be satisfied with what I have?  It's not a bad life,  I have a lot of good people in my life, I have fun and I can support myself and take care of myself.  I just feel like I'm waiting.  I have been revisiting going back to school to do something different,  not sure what but I'm so burned out on accounting.  I need to make a certain amount of money in order to have the standard of living I've got now, so the job would have to make that much.  I know from reading that a lot of what is in my head is excuses not to take action.  Fear plays a big part in that  I've always viewed change as a negative thing but I need to reverse that and see that change can be positive.

I've been dealing with some losses of friends.  I had the urge to call one of them tonight but realized that it wouldn't so any good.  I'm afraid that chapter has closed with a loud bang, really just a whimper but it can never be what it was before.  I miss her but we can't seem to get on a level footing.  The relationship has just changed.  She has told me many times that I was her best friend,  it doesn't seem that it lasted.  When you have to guard what you say all the time it makes it difficult.  Damn John for all the pain he has caused so many people.  My kids have suffered, his family has suffered and I've suffered.  I wish things had been different.

I'm just feeling lonely and sad tonight, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Rerun

My emotions seem to be in a rerun state.  I thought I had moved past so much.  But again I feel like I'm grieving what was or what I thought it was.  I think about the ex and wonder if I still care for him.  One thing I'm sure of is that if he wanted back in my life it would be a resounding NO.  There is no way I could ever want to be with him, I could never trust him or be safe with him.  So that said why do I keep looking backward?  I'm going to Mexico which is my happy spot in the world.  I'll be with people I love.  I can't seem to lose the pain in my soul. I keep getting the repeating words in my head "unlovable, unlovable, unlovable"  I know I have people who love me, but I don't have the partner in life that I need.  How to find an answer to this I don't have a clue.  The socializers over 40 are a very nice group of people but I don't find a connection with any of them.  Going to bars-not the place to find someone.  Internet dating is just creepy.  So I'm not sure how I'm suppose to find someone.

I have been again getting feelings that I don't want to be in the world,  I guess I will have to talk with the counselor about that again.  This too feels like a rerun,  it just keeps popping up in my head.  I know I'll still be around, I have responsibility that I can't abandon :(

Being Loved.

I had thought I moved through the phase of wondering why my ex stopped loving me.  I wonder the last week or so why I became unlovable to him.  What happened to the promises he made to love me forever, grow old together, retire and sit on the porch in rocking chairs and enjoy the view?  All turned to ashes and swept away.  I wondered why this particular demon raised up again,  I then realized that Feb 3rd was the anniversary of my divorce being final.  3 years.  I have come a long way so why do I wonder why I'm so unlovable?  I guess I thought I might have found someone to love me and be loved in return by this point.  I can't even find dates, I don't even know where to look.  Am I destined to spend the rest of my life going to things alone and coming home to me, myself and I?  I don't need someone to complete me but someone to compliment me.  I'm going to Mexico, again, by myself,  the lone wheel in the world of couples.  But if I don't go alone I won't get to go at all. There are times I wish I could ask questions of the ex but not sure I would get answers.  Not sure he knows the answers.  Why did you cheat on me,  was I so lacking in something you were looking for.  Did I change too much or not enough?  I know you told me it was you not me but that just doesn't ring true.  I know there is no way nor would I want to be together again.  I know we were not the happiest the last 2 years or so.  Was there a way to fix it?  Probably not.  How long had you been carrying on with other women?  Did you even think how much you would hurt me?  One of your statements was that you didn't think I cared,  I just can't understand how you ever would have thought that.  You said you would have given up 2 wheels for 4 if I had just said yes.  I know how when you didn't like something you made no pretense to be enjoying yourself, so I can't imagine exchanging the motorcycle for a convertible would have worked.  You were so enamoured with your motorcycle.  I was competing with that as well has a 25 year old.  Did I have a chance of winning?  I doubt it.  Why can't I get past this?

Future

I keep looking forward and wondering what my future will hold.  My biggest fear is being old and alone.  I see my Mom's life and know I don't want to go down the same path that she did.  I really hope to find someone to compliment me and be partners in life.  One of the things I dislike a lot is going to things alone and coming back home alone.  I can do it but it doesn't mean I like it.  Went to a play last night and it just feels lonely when you arrive by yourself and then when you come home to an empty house.  I guess I'll get used to it.

Happiness

I'm beginning to think happiness is over rated, or maybe for some but not for others.  I was with friends tonight and I enjoy their company a lot.  One set of friends got married in Dec and had a very nice reception tonight.  I'm happy for them and glad they found one another.  I was around other couples who seem to be very happy,  It's hard since I want to find the person who compliments my life, one who makes me smile and laugh.  I just don't see it happening.  I think I'm ready to have a new person in my life.  I want someone who loves and cherishes me.  Respect is also going to be important.  I may not be the best or brightest but I deserve to be respected.  Lacking in my last relationship so I know I need this in the next one.  I'm so glad for those who have found love in their life but also a bit jealous too