Checking in

Been a while since I posted.  Life has changed a lot since my last posting.  Grandson growing, moving and new job.   I have forgiven my ex who has been the cause of so much pain.  It brought me a sense of peace.  Physically things are about the same but manageable. 

I'm thankful so much for family and friends.  The little boy in my life has been a blessing and a joy.  Right now he is going through the terrible two's but we shall get through this too.

I'm still trying to deal with my Mom issues.  I feel that I wasn't a good person to her when she got dementia.  I could have been kinder and more understanding.  If there is a heaven I hope she has forgiven me when I see her next.  I can't wait to see my Dad.  No matter how old you get you still need your dad and I missed so much with him.

So a positive post tonight,  when I read back on my past posts I was a very sad, unhappy and angry person, and I don't feel like I'm that person anymore.  Years of therapy and medicine do make a difference.

Random Thoughts running through my mind

Today has been a very quite Sunday.   Had a really good day yesterday going to a Renn Faire with family and friends.  So knew I needed to hang home today.  Got a project I'm working on and it takes a lot of time and I'm on a time crunch with it.  Just looking at the past 6 months and reflecting on the good, bad and ugly.

1.  I've been given a wonderful surprise--I'm going to be a Gram,  never thought it would happen so very shocked when it did.  It changes a lot of how I'm looking at the future.  I wondered what I would do in retirement (7 years and 2 months-give or take) and now know I can help with watching grandchild after school.  This will give their Mom and Dad peace of mind and give me a reason to get up and go every day.  The best part will be knowing the kid,  I want to be a part of their life. 

2.  Still employed.  Job still tough but I'm still there.  It has gotten a little less busy but still working overtime most every day.  Changes are in the air so will see what that does to everything.

3. My Guinness is getting older, I'm worried, she sits and whines, not sure if it is attention needed or she is in pain.  Still eating but not as fast as before.   She hears me and jumps in bed so able to move around and catch me when I open a wrapper. I am not ready for anything to happen to her,  it is going to be very very difficult and I won't be doing well when something happens to her.

4.  Still on track to retire in August of 2021.  I meet with the retirement guy two to three times a year and so far so good.  Car will be paid for August of 2015 and house sometime in 2020-if all goes as I'm planning.

5. Still have good friends and adopted family in my life.  I'm lucky.

6. Heath is good, no surgeries as far as I know this year.  I think I will count laser surgery for my right eye at a surgery and say I've had it for this year.  I keep thinking I will have a year with nothing going on and keep being wrong.

7.  Wonderful Mexican vacation,  first resort that I know I would love to go back to.  Have to see how the prices are for next year, hopefully affordable. 

So when I look over the first 6 or so months of this year it has been positive for the most part.  Still dealing with situations in my life that I don't know how to change but I'm still kicking.

Happy 2014?

I can hope that 2014 is kinder to me than the last 5 years have been.  I don't know what other major events I can have in this year but am not going to tempt fate.  2013--it was quite a year,  new job-lots more stress but a bit more stability which is why I changed.  I miss the easier pace of PW but there have been major changes there in the last year.  Eye surgery-had cataract surgery on both eyes  took a while for them to settle down more than 4 months--I still have some flickering-when I'm tired or have overused them.  I don't know if that will go away but at least things are clearer now.  Got a little older this year, closer to 60 which sounds horrible but better than not having birthdays.   My Mom had a trauma filled year.  More falls than I can remember.  She got a concussion, brain bleed and heomatoma all in one fall.  Several days in the hospital.  Another ER visit with another fall but that one was minor.  She lost more of her mind everyday and physically got frailer and frailer.  Quit eating,  it was hard for me to deal with but I put one foot in front of the other and got through it.  She passed away on Oct. 7th,  I wasn't there she went to sleep and didn't wake up.  At least that is what they told me.  It said cardiac arrest on the death certificate so not sure if that is just what they figured or if they dealt with it and just spared me the details.  Other than a skunk incident the night she died it was a calm funeral and a good send off.  I've had to finish up paperwork and am waiting on Medicaid to let me know if they want the small amount of money she had at death.  They want 183,000 I'm not sure how they think she could have so much since Medicaid tells you that you can't have anymore than 2000.00 in assets.  She had a IRA that they didn't take at the time so not sure if they are going to get that in the end.  I had some good times with my family and friends.  Thanksgiving was good-my son stopped by but had made plans for that day so that was a little bit of a bummer but I did get to see him.  Christmas was good and a bit quite.  New Years Eve was with friends and I saw Erin and Chris so it was good.  The only thing lying on the horizon is a possible health issue.  I'm hoping to go back for a recheck in Mar and have it all cleared up so nothing else needs to be done.  Nothing like going in for an annual checkup and being told your tongue is asymetrical  and it isn't hard as if it were a tumor, so wait 3 months and we will recheck.  If it is still like this we will have to do a biopsy.  Not anything I wanted to hear.

I do have going to Mexico in Feb 2014 with my favorite people so something to look forward too.  I can't wait but don't want it to hurry since it gives me something to look forward to.  As for dating still not making any progress.  Wondering if deep down I have too much fear.  My marriage and divorce took a toll on me in a lot of ways.  I lost what self confidence I had,  I know he kept saying it wasn't me it was him but why wasn't I enough.  I thought I was a good, kind and loving person.  I put up with a lot of stuff from him over the years and stayed with him good and bad.  I lost a lot of my self definition,  wife, co owner of a company, mom.  My kids grew up and didn't need me as much.  My husband didn't need me any longer,  I wasn't needed in the company I helped to build.  I became divorced which some people just couldn't deal with.  I lost the home I had helped build,  it was our dream for so many years.  He got to live in it longer but did end up selling it.  That was a small comfort.  He still has the company and apparently a nice girlfriend.  Erin said I would really like her.  I asked why she was with her Dad and she said he has changed for the better.  I don't know why that hurts but it does.  He can change for someone else but couldn't for me and discarded me like yesterdays trash. I know she gets really aggravated with me for not going out and aggressively dating.  The only thought I can have is your young, married and haven't dated in 10+ years.  You don't know what it is like being in your 50's, out of the dating pool for over 30 years and have a hard time thinking anyone would like you.    It hurts my feelings a little but I know she just wants me to get back out there.  I didn't date much before I met her dad so have very little experience in that arena.

So goals for 14, learn new stuff.  Maybe get brave and join a dating website--it is just so creepy out there.  Decide if the job will do or look again.  Work toward positioning myself toward retirement.  Love Guinness a lot and take care of myself.

Finding Love

Beginning to wonder if I will ever find love.  I know the song says looking for love in all the wrong place--I don't even know where those are and sure don't know the right places.  I hesitate to try web sites,  I just don't feel comfortable --can't tell who they are and the tonal inflection of what someone says.  I'm open---I look at Krogers and lots of other places I go,  I smile and look friendly.  I make comments to strangers sometimes.  I don't know that bars are the place--at least I would have to go to the wrinkle room to find some around my age.  I need a wingman to go with me.  Not comfortable going by myself.  I just feel socially awkward in situations like that.  It is hard for me to talk to people that just pop up,  I don't know what to say.   Maybe this weekend I'll spend some time on the web.  Maybe pay for match for a couple of months,  just to see what happens.  The only guy that flatters me feels more like a friend.  I think we have each liked each other but never at the same time,  it doesn't seem to connect in that way.  I like him as a friend.   You would think I would have friends who know single guys--they are out there just hiding from me.

Starting Over

I wish I could say I've started over and am living the life I'm suppose to live.  But not yet.  I went to someone -a Doctor/Healer tonight.  My friend has pretty much insisted that I go, she feels that I'm stuck in the past.  She is right in a lot of ways but we all heal in our own time.  That was one bit of wisdom he gave me tonight.  He also said it sounds like I have a bit of PTSD going on.  He said it sounded like I went through a lot of trauma with my divorce and all the things that happened before, during and after.  He has some classes that would help, he also feels that I could use some massage and yoga to help me work on the body pain I have going on.  He feels that you are a sum of mind, body and spirit and you must treat all parts in order to heal.  I have to say this sounds reasonable to me.  I know when I was getting regular massages and therapy I did feel better.  The big if is money,  I don't make enough to pay all my bills,  if I didn't have savings I don't know what I would do.  I try to live simply,  the biggest thing I do for me is use my tax refund to go to Mexico once a year,  not sure how much longer I can do this.  I have savings, do I use them to enjoy life now or save some for retirement--decisions decisions.  Things will ease a bit when my car is paid for-still 3 + years away.  My house is 14 years away.  I will pay my lawn tractor off in May 2014.  Those are my bills.  I pay my credit cards off monthly.  My big expense this year has been medical.  5000.00+ with medicines and surgery this year.  That is what has tightened up my budget.   At least I can see it.  Next year will be better, hopefully I will get a raise in Feb.  Just some random thoughts in my brain tonight.  Last night was a major night of not being able to sleep.  I went to bed at 11:15 and was awake until after 2- then woke up again around 3:20 and did that off and on until 6:50am when my alarm blared.  I am really tired but having a hard time giving up and going to bed.  Tomorrow I will celebrate with family and friends the occasion of my birth on the 20th of August.  It should be good.

Doing OK

I'm really glad I kept busy yesterday and will be busy tomorrow.  Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of confronting my ex about his affair.  It was a horrible day and night.  It started the nightmare that lasted way to long in my life.  Tomorrow is the date he told me he didn't want to be married any longer.  He said if we did we would just just end up hating one another in two years.  I guess he didn't realize I already hated him,  after the mental abuse he put me through after the break how could I want to be his friend.  I hate the fact he has seemed to move on without any regret.  I did have a lot of regrets.  I know there were actions that I should have taken or changed.  I wish Karma would have bit him some.  But it seems to be he has a pretty  good life.  I have a good life but have dealt and am dealing with a lot of issues that are just plain hard.  Not how I though life would be at my age. Another thing on my mind is my next birthday,  for some reason the number is bothering me,  it is not a major birthday but one that all the same is getting under my skin.

37 years

Well today is 37 years since I met my ex husband.  A teenage girl and a teenage boy meet on the Watterson Expressway, they start dating and a 13 months later get married.  Along the way they buy houses, have kids, get adult jobs and deal with everyday life.  It gets more complicated, they open their own company, build a dream house and start growing apart.  Instead of working on the issues she puts her head in the sand and he reverts to being a teenager and has an affair, lies and cheats.  I keep having to remind myself that we did have good times and I think he loved me some of the time.  But it doesn't take away all the pain he caused me and our kids with his behavior.  I know it has been almost 5 years since we decided to divorce and he has moved on but I still feel stuck in this loop of sadness and pain.  The 20th of this month is when I confronted him about his affair and the 22nd is when he said he didn't want to be married anymore.  My dad died on July 12th and his birthday was July 1st.  My wedding anniversary would have been Aug 6th.  So many dates that are mine fields for me.  I guess I'll get over it when I get over it.