Good Show

Tonights show at Derby Dinner was very good.  They did 30 Johnny Cash songs and did it in a very innovative way.  Mom actually enjoyed the show and did pretty well.  She is so unsteady now it is scary.  She keeps scraping the same elbow.  It was good to see my very good friends and spend some time in their company.  Music makes me happy.  I've decided creative things-art, cross stitch and anything that uses my talent seems to improve my mood and makes me joyful.  Joyful is what I'm aiming for.  Your job doesn't have to be good if you can fill the other parts of your life with joy.

Family

Today's struggle is loss of family.  I never had much of my own but found a man who had lots of family that I fell in love with.  I was in the family for over 32 years.  We grew up together, had our kids together, raised them together and went through life together.  Now we have a wall between us.  It's no ones fault,  it just seems that when you become the ex things have to be different.  He will always be first, period.  He is the son/brother and I'm the in-law.  He is dating and bringing them around family events so this means I can't go for several reasons.  I don't want to be around him,  it makes it uncomfortable on the family and me.  It hurts my soul but it's the only thing I can do.  About the only time the family gets together is for holidays and I have to be second choice.  I deserve better than that.  So I'm going to have to make my own family.  I've adopted a sister and thinking of adding one more.  We're going to have to have non-biological holidays.  Where you choose to be with them rather than having to be according to tradition.  I'm going to miss my nieces and nephews,  it meant a lot to me to be an aunt.  I'm losing my Mom to dementia and what little I have with her family isn't really a factor.  Just one more hurdle to climb,  I'm tired.

Losing my Mind

Living with someone who has dementia can make you doubt your own sanity.  All in all she has been herself today.  Not an especially nice person, but she knew who I was most of the day.  She is never pleased with _______fill in the blank.  It's cold, the movie is stupid, why is the dog panting so much, unhook my bra,the skins on the tomato's is tough, it's cold in the bathroom - that's why I don't like to take showers and so on and so on today.  She did like what I cooked today so I got one positive out of it.   I'm so looking forward to her getting settled into her own space at the nursing home.  I'm trying so hard to be kind and compassionate with her but she makes it hard to do so.  I don't think she has been happy with anything for the past 20 or so years.  Unfortunately I'm resentful of her,  I can't do the things I want to do because I can't leave her alone.  She keeps saying she would be fine but she doesn't know how she gets some times.  I'm going to have to take her to Derby Dinner with me on Sat., Erin and Mike are living their own lives as they should so even though she doesn't want to go she is going. I'm going to miss the Zombie walk and some dinners with friends.  This too shall pass and other things will happen when she is settled.

I'm a bit (ok a whole lot) whiney tonight.  I was starting to live my life again and now it is on hold again.  It will get better.

Disturbance

I'm trying to get my life in order and have been working very very hard at it.  Tonight again I'm unsettled.  I need to pick up the last of my life items at my ex's house. I'm working hard on arranging transport from there to here.  I thought I had it arranged but he isn't available when I can get some folks to move my stuff.  He has offered to bring them to me on Sunday.  The issue is--do I want him to come here?  Do I let him do the work to bring me my stuff?  Questions Questions but any answers.

Done Deal

Well today I signed over my share of the house to him.  I didn't get what I wanted out of it but no longer have an attachment to it.  Now he has to record the deed and I need to get the rest of my stuff out of the house.  The emotional pain was more than I thought it would be.  This day has been awful on a lot of fronts.  My neck, shoulder, back and both arms have been in pain since yesterday at noon.  I always ache but this was pain.  That was the only way I could describe it to my massage therapist.  She worked on it a 1/2 hour and said it was at least an hours job.  I then went and had my OT/Counselor help me.  First we talked about stuff, one of my main issues is I like to think I'm in control.  Talk about how wrong a person can be.  My Mom is a main topic also.  I don't like remembering our relationship and I don't like remembering all the issues I have with her.  I've managed to bury a lot of stuff over the years and having her with me is like having a crane lift off the dirt.  I feel again like I've been rubbed with steel wool lately.  I do have to say I've worked on the don't keep second guessing yourself-not perfect by any means but getting better at it.  I also am working on not being so hard on myself.  I think I've always thought I needed to be perfect in order to get my Mom's approval.  I'm coming to accept that it isn't going to happen.  It just isn't in her.  So I need to see that I do things right and need an atta girl from myself.

The physical stuff--I've have my neck, back, shoulders and elbows cracked and popped.  I'm currently wearing bandages on both elbows trying to keep them where they should be not where they like to go.  Lots of water tonight and advil (he didn't recommend this) but in order to get sleep need it.  Most of this pain is on the right side which is the masculine side of your body--wonder who is still being a pain in my a**.  The left has some issues --I shall name them Mom(Martha) I will have them massaged and hopefully this will disappear.    She was looney on the way home tonight,  I was my Dad(she is divorced from him in this reality), my Aunt Dot, my brother (hello only child and a girl) and some person she was talking in third person too.  Nights like this make me see my decision is correct to put her in the nursing home where she can be safe.
So all in all a very emotionally packed day--did I mention that work sucked today.

Lonely

I wish I didn't feel so alone.  I feel trapped in the situation.  I'm tired of making decisions.  I've lost friends and family recently--my heart hurts.  I don't know what I want, I'm just tired.

Positive Day

Saturday's seem to be a better day for Mom.  I don't know if it is the lack of having to get up and go or she gets more sleep.  It makes it harder to think about putting her in a nursing home when she has days like this.  Still she can't manage her life-cooking, medicine, laundry and the like so she can't live by herself.  I'm afraid of her falling and not being able to get back up or going outside and not being able to find her way back so living alone isn't an option.  I can't keep working and caring for her.  I can't afford to keep paying the day center so it seems the nursing home is the only option.  She actually seems ok with it.  She says she has to be somewhere and that seemed as nice as any place.  My fear is she doesn't realize it is a locked unit.  She won't be able to wander around outside-I see this as necessary but she doesn't.  It's sad to see what growing old looks like, it scares the hell out of me.  We went and spent money today on hearing aids, a necessity to those who try to speak with her but not in her  thoughts.  We spend enough to get a middle of the road pair.  She liked the guy-he was older and knew his stuff.  I snapped at her tonight,  every thing has to be done on her time, now,  my laundry was going and she just couldn't wait for me to get to it-after all I wasn't doing anything-cooking, canning and cleaning up the mess from canning.  She pulled mine out and was putting it in the dryer, she wasn't doing anything wrong but I said Mom stop I can do my own laundry.  I think I hurt her feelings and I feel bad.  24/7 is way too much time together.

Realization

The past two months have made me realize that I need to be living my life not just existing.  My mom has developed dementia and it is moving along rapidly.  This is heartbreaking to see and hard to work with since Mom and I have not had a very good relationship throughout life.  She has been emotionally distant my entire life.  She never was the warm and fuzzy mom I wanted.  It took her until I was in my 40's to tell me she was proud of me.  My dad died when I was young and I was a Daddy's girl, so it devastated my world and Mom was so lost the first years after he died that I became responsible for her.  I married young to get away from her and now I'm recently divorced at 31 years and the dementia again means I must take care of her.  So since I was 14 I've been taking care of people.

So far in this disease process I've been several people besides myself.  My mom's sister Patsy, my dad's sister Dot, my Dad, My brother (I'm an only child) and someone named Erica (no ideal who this is)  I'm never sure who she is talking to.  I'm working to get her placed in a nursing home so she can be safe and I can stay sane. The good part of this is I know I've been a good Mom to my kids.  I think they like me for myself.  My daughter told me the other day that she not only loves me for being her Mom but likes me as a person and enjoys being my friend.  What a compliment.