Done Deal

Well today I signed over my share of the house to him.  I didn't get what I wanted out of it but no longer have an attachment to it.  Now he has to record the deed and I need to get the rest of my stuff out of the house.  The emotional pain was more than I thought it would be.  This day has been awful on a lot of fronts.  My neck, shoulder, back and both arms have been in pain since yesterday at noon.  I always ache but this was pain.  That was the only way I could describe it to my massage therapist.  She worked on it a 1/2 hour and said it was at least an hours job.  I then went and had my OT/Counselor help me.  First we talked about stuff, one of my main issues is I like to think I'm in control.  Talk about how wrong a person can be.  My Mom is a main topic also.  I don't like remembering our relationship and I don't like remembering all the issues I have with her.  I've managed to bury a lot of stuff over the years and having her with me is like having a crane lift off the dirt.  I feel again like I've been rubbed with steel wool lately.  I do have to say I've worked on the don't keep second guessing yourself-not perfect by any means but getting better at it.  I also am working on not being so hard on myself.  I think I've always thought I needed to be perfect in order to get my Mom's approval.  I'm coming to accept that it isn't going to happen.  It just isn't in her.  So I need to see that I do things right and need an atta girl from myself.

The physical stuff--I've have my neck, back, shoulders and elbows cracked and popped.  I'm currently wearing bandages on both elbows trying to keep them where they should be not where they like to go.  Lots of water tonight and advil (he didn't recommend this) but in order to get sleep need it.  Most of this pain is on the right side which is the masculine side of your body--wonder who is still being a pain in my a**.  The left has some issues --I shall name them Mom(Martha) I will have them massaged and hopefully this will disappear.    She was looney on the way home tonight,  I was my Dad(she is divorced from him in this reality), my Aunt Dot, my brother (hello only child and a girl) and some person she was talking in third person too.  Nights like this make me see my decision is correct to put her in the nursing home where she can be safe.
So all in all a very emotionally packed day--did I mention that work sucked today.