Time to think

Sometimes I have way to much time to think.  With working on healing and trying to take life a bit easier than I'm used to my mind has had way too much time to dwell on the past.    I've been going back to my childhood-trying to figure out if my Mom ever really loved me or just put up a front.  I never remember hugs and kisses but do remember being grabbed and spanked quite often.  Maybe that's why I have a good girl complex, don't do bad or you will be spanked.  I look at pictures and she never looks happy and if we are in a picture together she isn't generally holding me.  I know I changed the past,  I was a much more loving Mom to my kids that she ever was to me.  My kids were wanted and welcomed.  I think my Dad loved me. He always seemed to be more loving and kinder than she was. Is this the start of my pain of being rejected?  Is that why I fear to do some things because I'm afraid of being rejected.  I know some of this isn't in my mind.  I have a friend who knew my Mom, Dad and me,  she has recently told me that she thinks my Mom was jealous of me and my Dad's relationship.  That has started me delving into my past trying to make sense of things.  Karma has a funny way of working things,  I really wonder what I've done in my past to end up with all the bites Karma has sent my way.  Taking care of my Mom is no joy,  I've been doing it since I was 16 years old in one form or another.  Now I have total responsibility of her care.  Karma bites.

I gave my heart to a boy when I was still a girl and he held it for a good number of years, until he decided he didn't want to be married anymore.  He was not a good man,  the boy he was was much more honest, caring  and kind.  The man he evolved into was a liar, cheater and thief.  Why did I work so hard to make it work only to have him do horrible things.  Why did I try to fight in a way for him when he had already checked out.  People try to convince me he has changed, I think he is very good about putting on a front.   I just don't believe he has had a epiphany and  is now a honest good man again.    I am very afraid he will hurt our kids, that is when I could knock him down and say a lot of the things I refrained from during the divorce. They have their own issues with him, they are adults  and the relationship they have are what they can make work with him.  Again Karma bites,  this was suppose to be the easy time in life,  when retirement beckons and money isn't such a stress.  He picked the worse economic time to decide to throw me over.

Have I ever had a job that I enjoyed and looked forward to going to.  No. This job I have now is a stress ridden toxic job.  I'm looking but nothing is really happening yet.  I'm not sure this is Karma or I just picked the wrong career path.  But I'm afraid to try something different,  I know it is an excuse but it is how I feel.  I'm not sure I'm smart enough or could do it.  School is something I haven't experienced since 1979  do I have the brain power to study and remember.  Will my age be against me in a new career?  It goes against me know in my job search.

Way to much time in my head.  My heart still hurts with pains from a lot of different things.  My Dad, my Mom, John and choices I've made.  I'm still grieving what I thought I had,  not what was the reality but what my rose colored glasses gave me.  I'm afraid I will grow old and not find anyone to share the golden years with.  I really only wanted to be a wife and mother in life,  the degree and job where just something to help all the other stuff happen.  I feel like a ruderless ship, don't know what direction to go into,  how to get where I think I want to be.

Down

I've been down in the dumps for a while.  I'm trying to pull out but have a really hard time doing so.  I haven't gone through this surgery to make a nice looking corpse.  I wish I knew what to do, I wish I had a plan for life.  I didn't have a good marriage and I don't know why I mourn it still.  I cried when I was married and I'm crying now, so is now any different from then?    I don't have to deal with a moody and unfaithful husband so this crying I'm doing know should be better.  I cry from frustration, being lonely and fear.   I'm afraid I won't be able to take care of myself in the future.  I don't want to be a burden on anyone, I want to find joy and fun in my future.  I worry about money, being able to retire (probably never) and aging.

I've got good friends and a good home and a wonderful puppy dog, so all in all my life is good.  I just keep repeating it.

Just to clear my head

Tonight I need to clear my head.

I am tired of hurting and trying to understand healing is what it is.  It takes as long as it takes.  At least I'm healing, right now no extra surgery so that is good.  I like the results and think when all heals and I feel normal again it will be all good.

I'm tired of acting strong.  I would like to be coddled sometimes.  But I feel the need to not need the extra attention.  I don't want to be like my Mom and expect to be taken care of so I tend to go the other way and not want help.

I want to have my soul mate in my life.  I don't want to live life waiting on something good to happen.  I'm getting older and don't know how many years I have left to live life.  I need to make a plan.  If I only knew which way to go.

I need a new job,  the one I have is so toxic that it is hard to go to work everyday  I am bored and don't enjoy what I do.  The problem is what I do is the only marketable skill I have.  I'm applying in hopes to find something that is at least tolerable.

My Mom.,  I must learn and continue to not let her push my buttons.  She is so good at it even in the early stages of dementia.  I have made every effort to have a different life.  I must continue so I don't end up lonely and bitter.

I must learn to accept my body.  It is mine and will be mine until I'm gone.  I must accept my weight.  I must accept my aging.  It is what it is.

I must let go of the past.  I've learned some lessons from the past.  I need to stop thinking about it so much.  It hits when I'm tired and stressed.  I want to forget what has happened,  I don't want to dream about it any more.  I want the thoughts about the ex to be gone.  I want karma to bite him on the ass hard.  I have reconciled myself to what has happened and I know I should forgive the wrongs I feel he has done to me.

I wish I could be whole, healthy and sane.  Maybe one day.:\

Time passes slowly sometimes

When your trying to heal and get back into the normal life mode, time moves very slowly.  I'm going to a once a year event on Sat.  I don't want to miss it but worry that my energy will run out way too soon.  I think I'll be finding spots to sit and rest.  I hate not being able to do all that I want.  I didn't think this surgery would take so much out and have so much trouble getting it back.  I love the look of my IBT's but still have pain and sores.  I don't get to see the PS for another week and a half.  I hope everything heals ok.  I'm scared of complications and scarring.  So far the blood supply seems to be good to all the areas,  just have some bad spots and sores that aren't healing as well as I would hope.

I talked with my counselor on Thursday and he helped me to understand why I seem to be more depressed.  Hopefully it will lift soon.  This is a bane of my life.  I seem to fall into this in cycles.  I want a different life in a lot of ways,  I want a new job, I want someone in my life who will be my partner,  I want to enjoy life.  This doesn't seem to me to be unattainable, I just need to figure out how.

Tired and sore

I'm so over being tired and sore.  I did this to myself but it has been 4 weeks tomorrow since major surgery.  I went back to work Monday and I'm taking tomorrow off.  I went back too soon.  So now I've got time to make up in the healing and resting department.  I'm not sure what kind of work hours I'm going to try next week.  I worked 22 hours in 4 days which doesn't sound bad but about hour 3 of the day I was walking like an old lady, all hunched over with my shoulders trying to touch my ears.  One day I worked 7, didn't plan but had a mandatory meeting at 3 pm that lasted 1 hour 15 minutes and my head got lower and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to drive home.  Enough said.  I have a spot that was fairly small but with all the movement I did at work has gotten a bit bigger and I think it may have added a friend although very small.  So lots of rest and not doing much for the next couple of days  Don't see the PS until next Thursday unless I get really worried.  I didn't think it was going to be this difficult.  I usually bounce back from things pretty well so this has been a surprise.    I will still say I'm glad I did it and will be glad when a couple of weeks more pass and healing happens and energy returns.  I'm getting a bit bored and lonely.  Miss doing stuff.  At least my big boss was understanding and told me to work shorter days or three days a week or whatever works for me.  I still have 9 sick and 2 personal days left so I can afford the time.

Not for the weak

BR surgery is not for the weak.  This is 24 days past surgery date,  I'm still having a lot of pain and discomfort. So at night I'm still taking pain pills and a sleeping pill.  Being a side sleeper and having to be a back sleeper is hard, for over 3 weeks now.   They call them frankenboobs and that is a good term.  Scars and stitches putting things back together again, look a bit scary.  They still have bad spots that are healing slower and there is some blood coming from one of the worst spots. I think it is because I moved around a lot more today.  I'm tired and I'm tired of feeling in pain and sore.  I think I have been hurting physically for years and this is just a little more in my face pain, I can name it and know it.  I hope this surgery lives up to healing relieve my neck and back pain.

OK three weeks post surgery and pain pills are wonderful.  I took two an hour ago and the rough awful rug burn feeling  is not hurting so much.  I'm glad I did this but man the recovery is tough.  This has stirred up a whole lot of stuff.  It is like the crap settles to the bottom and every now and then a spoon dips in there and stirs shit up.  I deserve to have someone in my life to love me and respect, care and cherish me.  I had surgery and didn't get a lot of help afterward.  My daughter stayed with me for a couple of days, my son has cut my grass twice and lord it is a jungle out there.  He said he would cut it tomorrow, only if it drys out.  I could have used more help.  I know I try to put out there that I don't need help I can manage.  It is a great front but leaves something lacking in this situation.  I cleaned last week, it was wrong to do an I knew it but couldn't stand the dog hair.  This week I was wiser and it is dusty and dirty.  When most of what you can do is sit and rest it starts wearing on you.  I go back to work Monday and I'm really worried that my energy won't come back fast enough.  I've been looking for a new job and that is stressing me out also.  I need one and at least have the leisure to choose what I apply for.  Last time it was whatever I could find.    It has stirred up a lot about the ex. Again this was when he should have supported me, coddled me and made me feel valued.  I haven't told his family because they really aren't in my life any more.  This seems to be hurting more right now.  I get over it and then it comes back and bites.  I know who my friends are, they are standing with and supporting me with love.  Sometimes it takes life events to separate the cream from the milk.  I'm angry that he dodged all responsibility that we agreed to.  All the big life stuff you need that person by your side.  I was there when he broke his back, I was there when his dad died, I was there when his sister died.  I was there helping to take care of his Mom and sister when they needed a driver, listener and support.  Where was he when my Mom has cancer and surgery,  where was he after I had surgery and needed a lot of help (excuse he was working to support us)  couldn't take more time off.  Where was he when I needed him to help with the kids,  how may times did he do karate and soccer duty.  The kids to the Dr.  I don't know why I miss him because he was never there to be a partner.  I want that partner in life, what has happened to sticking with each other through the good and bad?  Why do people give up so easily?  I wish I knew.  So this is the stuff that has been stirred up in my mind- being that right now I'm  not as strong as usual.