Holidays Not too bad

Well the holidays were not as bad as I anticipated this year.  Thanksgiving itself was just a day to survive.  I had my kids over the week before with good friends and that is what I consider my Thanksgiving.  Christmas was sort of the same.  Had my kids over and cooked and we enjoyed each others company.  I went to my in law family and enjoyed but feel like the odd man out.  They are funny and lovable but it's hard being the outsider now.  Christmas day was good.  The family you choose breakfast supper was a success.  Food was good and company was better.  We played games and talked and laughed.  One friend bought the best turkey I think I've ever eaten.  I think all enjoyed it.  So on a scale of 1 to 10 so far this season has been about a 6,  so pretty durn good.  I fell into tears tonight-not at all sure why.  Had just finished leftover biscuits and gravy-watching the Two Towers an broke into tears.  What gives with that?  It didn't last long and was over.  Delayed stress?  I don't know.

Feeling out of place

The last couple of days I've been feeling a bit out of place.  Like I don't belong in the time and place I'm in.  Not sure what is causing this or what to do about it.  I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the holidays, not sure why but I didn't feel this way before Thanksgiving.  Went to church this morning and enjoyed it, I get a lot out of it most of the time and today was really good.  I feel so positive when I'm there but so hard to put this into practice in real life.  I keep telling myself I'm a good person and people like me.  My negative mind says-I'm not good enough and I can't imagine why anyone would like me.  So it's war between my positive and negative self esteem.  When did I lose it, did I ever have self esteem?  Not sure but working hard on my own self.  I try so hard to be everything to everyone. Positive note---have a vacation in a warm place scheduled for the spring--sounds really good right now.

Holidays

I used to love the Holidays.  Not so much any more for a number of reasons.  Neither of my children got the love of the holidays that I had.  So we celebrate but not in a Hallmark kind of way.  This isn't bad but not what I envisioned when they were small.  My ex knew how much I enjoyed Christmas and even though he didn't share my feelings made Christmas special for me.  That's history.  My Mom has gone to a different reality so doesn't get into the holidays-so far her remarks have been "it's just another day" and did you get me some sweatshirts and what color.  I work for a church but they really don't get into the spirit of Christmas.  Amazing to me but true.  Right now most of what I feel around this time is a sense of loss and pain.  I know it is my job to find a new way to enjoy my life and I'm trying very hard to reinvent myself and have new expectations.  I have some good friends who help make this a bearable time.  I enjoy being with them and it makes me happy.  I'm having with my daughter  what we call "A family you choose Christmas dinner."  Any one of our friends who feels like it drops by and we feed them "Breakfast Supper"  Biscuits, gravy, grits, sausage and whatever else we feel like making. This makes me happy.  I feel best when I'm around people, not much on my own company I guess.  Life is a learning experience and the only thing certain is change.

Growth

I've been doing a lot of hard work.  Trying to make sense of a world that very rarely makes sense to me.  Just finished reading a book on Buddha.  I can draw some parallels to my life from the first two parts of his life but I don't think I can find any way to compare some of my life to the third section.  This could be because it hasn't happened yet and maybe it's not time in this life to move to a different step like he did.   I've also been trying to connect to my inner spirit and putting in a lot of thought to this.  My issue is not having my mind going to a thousand different places.  Peace isn't in my minds thoughts.  In church today it was a point to think about your center (spirit) not about all the things you needed to accomplish.  I managed for a brief period, that was very good for me.  I think sometimes I have hyperactivity of the mind.   This weekend had a bit of healing and a bit of letting go.

Letting go

When am I going to be able to let go of the past and move forward to the future.   Looking for something on my computer I looked at some pictures.  The ex and the girl were in some of them.  There were pictures of us together --him and me,  her and me.  We were smiling and looked happy.  How could there be such deceit going on and still look so normal.  I keep getting stuck on the same things.  From the outside as far as I know he is having a wonderful life--mine on the other hand isn't so good.  It just isn't fair and I know life isn't fair but man it sucks.   I look at all the positives and there are many.  I have great kids, wonderful friends and at least I have a job.  Money is tight but I'm managing.  I got notice I may have to pay 1100.00 for some of Mom's medical expenses--didn't plan on that but it actually is ok,  I have money in savings and that is what you use it for.

I think I'm ready for a new relationship but haven't got a clue on how to go about it.  I think I have a real case of arrested development.  I didn't have a lot of experience with dating and meeting guys before I met him so I don't have fall back experience.  Any way things have changed totally since those days.   Dating sites are not great.  I'm thinking about some pay sites and may go that route.

I'm stressed about Mom and family.  They family is fussing about her being in the nursing home.  They keep talking and getting her riled up.  This is making it hard on both of us.  I'm trying to hard to do the right thing but I don't think I ever get it right.  I'm working on that though.  Reading books is helping but I still have such doubts about myself.  How did I ever lose confidence in myself?  Did I ever have it to start with?  I don't know.

Good Show

Tonights show at Derby Dinner was very good.  They did 30 Johnny Cash songs and did it in a very innovative way.  Mom actually enjoyed the show and did pretty well.  She is so unsteady now it is scary.  She keeps scraping the same elbow.  It was good to see my very good friends and spend some time in their company.  Music makes me happy.  I've decided creative things-art, cross stitch and anything that uses my talent seems to improve my mood and makes me joyful.  Joyful is what I'm aiming for.  Your job doesn't have to be good if you can fill the other parts of your life with joy.

Family

Today's struggle is loss of family.  I never had much of my own but found a man who had lots of family that I fell in love with.  I was in the family for over 32 years.  We grew up together, had our kids together, raised them together and went through life together.  Now we have a wall between us.  It's no ones fault,  it just seems that when you become the ex things have to be different.  He will always be first, period.  He is the son/brother and I'm the in-law.  He is dating and bringing them around family events so this means I can't go for several reasons.  I don't want to be around him,  it makes it uncomfortable on the family and me.  It hurts my soul but it's the only thing I can do.  About the only time the family gets together is for holidays and I have to be second choice.  I deserve better than that.  So I'm going to have to make my own family.  I've adopted a sister and thinking of adding one more.  We're going to have to have non-biological holidays.  Where you choose to be with them rather than having to be according to tradition.  I'm going to miss my nieces and nephews,  it meant a lot to me to be an aunt.  I'm losing my Mom to dementia and what little I have with her family isn't really a factor.  Just one more hurdle to climb,  I'm tired.

Losing my Mind

Living with someone who has dementia can make you doubt your own sanity.  All in all she has been herself today.  Not an especially nice person, but she knew who I was most of the day.  She is never pleased with _______fill in the blank.  It's cold, the movie is stupid, why is the dog panting so much, unhook my bra,the skins on the tomato's is tough, it's cold in the bathroom - that's why I don't like to take showers and so on and so on today.  She did like what I cooked today so I got one positive out of it.   I'm so looking forward to her getting settled into her own space at the nursing home.  I'm trying so hard to be kind and compassionate with her but she makes it hard to do so.  I don't think she has been happy with anything for the past 20 or so years.  Unfortunately I'm resentful of her,  I can't do the things I want to do because I can't leave her alone.  She keeps saying she would be fine but she doesn't know how she gets some times.  I'm going to have to take her to Derby Dinner with me on Sat., Erin and Mike are living their own lives as they should so even though she doesn't want to go she is going. I'm going to miss the Zombie walk and some dinners with friends.  This too shall pass and other things will happen when she is settled.

I'm a bit (ok a whole lot) whiney tonight.  I was starting to live my life again and now it is on hold again.  It will get better.

Disturbance

I'm trying to get my life in order and have been working very very hard at it.  Tonight again I'm unsettled.  I need to pick up the last of my life items at my ex's house. I'm working hard on arranging transport from there to here.  I thought I had it arranged but he isn't available when I can get some folks to move my stuff.  He has offered to bring them to me on Sunday.  The issue is--do I want him to come here?  Do I let him do the work to bring me my stuff?  Questions Questions but any answers.

Done Deal

Well today I signed over my share of the house to him.  I didn't get what I wanted out of it but no longer have an attachment to it.  Now he has to record the deed and I need to get the rest of my stuff out of the house.  The emotional pain was more than I thought it would be.  This day has been awful on a lot of fronts.  My neck, shoulder, back and both arms have been in pain since yesterday at noon.  I always ache but this was pain.  That was the only way I could describe it to my massage therapist.  She worked on it a 1/2 hour and said it was at least an hours job.  I then went and had my OT/Counselor help me.  First we talked about stuff, one of my main issues is I like to think I'm in control.  Talk about how wrong a person can be.  My Mom is a main topic also.  I don't like remembering our relationship and I don't like remembering all the issues I have with her.  I've managed to bury a lot of stuff over the years and having her with me is like having a crane lift off the dirt.  I feel again like I've been rubbed with steel wool lately.  I do have to say I've worked on the don't keep second guessing yourself-not perfect by any means but getting better at it.  I also am working on not being so hard on myself.  I think I've always thought I needed to be perfect in order to get my Mom's approval.  I'm coming to accept that it isn't going to happen.  It just isn't in her.  So I need to see that I do things right and need an atta girl from myself.

The physical stuff--I've have my neck, back, shoulders and elbows cracked and popped.  I'm currently wearing bandages on both elbows trying to keep them where they should be not where they like to go.  Lots of water tonight and advil (he didn't recommend this) but in order to get sleep need it.  Most of this pain is on the right side which is the masculine side of your body--wonder who is still being a pain in my a**.  The left has some issues --I shall name them Mom(Martha) I will have them massaged and hopefully this will disappear.    She was looney on the way home tonight,  I was my Dad(she is divorced from him in this reality), my Aunt Dot, my brother (hello only child and a girl) and some person she was talking in third person too.  Nights like this make me see my decision is correct to put her in the nursing home where she can be safe.
So all in all a very emotionally packed day--did I mention that work sucked today.

Lonely

I wish I didn't feel so alone.  I feel trapped in the situation.  I'm tired of making decisions.  I've lost friends and family recently--my heart hurts.  I don't know what I want, I'm just tired.

Positive Day

Saturday's seem to be a better day for Mom.  I don't know if it is the lack of having to get up and go or she gets more sleep.  It makes it harder to think about putting her in a nursing home when she has days like this.  Still she can't manage her life-cooking, medicine, laundry and the like so she can't live by herself.  I'm afraid of her falling and not being able to get back up or going outside and not being able to find her way back so living alone isn't an option.  I can't keep working and caring for her.  I can't afford to keep paying the day center so it seems the nursing home is the only option.  She actually seems ok with it.  She says she has to be somewhere and that seemed as nice as any place.  My fear is she doesn't realize it is a locked unit.  She won't be able to wander around outside-I see this as necessary but she doesn't.  It's sad to see what growing old looks like, it scares the hell out of me.  We went and spent money today on hearing aids, a necessity to those who try to speak with her but not in her  thoughts.  We spend enough to get a middle of the road pair.  She liked the guy-he was older and knew his stuff.  I snapped at her tonight,  every thing has to be done on her time, now,  my laundry was going and she just couldn't wait for me to get to it-after all I wasn't doing anything-cooking, canning and cleaning up the mess from canning.  She pulled mine out and was putting it in the dryer, she wasn't doing anything wrong but I said Mom stop I can do my own laundry.  I think I hurt her feelings and I feel bad.  24/7 is way too much time together.

Realization

The past two months have made me realize that I need to be living my life not just existing.  My mom has developed dementia and it is moving along rapidly.  This is heartbreaking to see and hard to work with since Mom and I have not had a very good relationship throughout life.  She has been emotionally distant my entire life.  She never was the warm and fuzzy mom I wanted.  It took her until I was in my 40's to tell me she was proud of me.  My dad died when I was young and I was a Daddy's girl, so it devastated my world and Mom was so lost the first years after he died that I became responsible for her.  I married young to get away from her and now I'm recently divorced at 31 years and the dementia again means I must take care of her.  So since I was 14 I've been taking care of people.

So far in this disease process I've been several people besides myself.  My mom's sister Patsy, my dad's sister Dot, my Dad, My brother (I'm an only child) and someone named Erica (no ideal who this is)  I'm never sure who she is talking to.  I'm working to get her placed in a nursing home so she can be safe and I can stay sane. The good part of this is I know I've been a good Mom to my kids.  I think they like me for myself.  My daughter told me the other day that she not only loves me for being her Mom but likes me as a person and enjoys being my friend.  What a compliment.