Christmas Eve Eve

Here I sit with two bored dogs tonight.  Have been feeling rather yucky since Thursday but I think I'm over the worst of it.  Amazing how a virus can take you and shake you inside out. Hopefully I will find a way to enjoy Christmas Eve,  I have to visit my Mom,  I missed Thursday because I was just too sick and I finally called her today and she really hadn't missed me.  I think if the laundry didn't pile up she wouldn't care if I came or not.  She's sick and has been for a good part of her life,  it has taken me until recently to acknowledge this and recognize this.  I guess you don't want to admit your Mom is mentally ill.  But it does color you all shades of grays and blacks.  I think I was able to love and care for my kids better than she did me.  I hope so, I made a big effort to parent like I wanted to be parented.  My kids still like me so I guess I did OK.  After that my family will be going to my ex in laws.  Every fiber in me desires to be there but it is not possible.  I am uncomfortable --they are uncomfortable.  We have grown way apart,  I guess mostly on my choice but to be around them and listen to them is like rubbing sandpaper and salt into wounds.  We always had holidays together, we had fun, laughed, talked and just enjoyed family.  I miss family.  It is odd I don't miss John so much as what I thought family was.  So I'm not sure what I will do tomorrow night,  Mom told me today that you get used to being alone on holidays.  The way I remember once we had kids we invited her to stay with us Christmas Eve so she could see the kids open their presents.  She always wanted to back out but I just kept trying.  I have been invited to a friends house for their family Christmas,  I feel weird,  I'm not really her family and I only know her son and his girlfriend.  I know her boyfriend but that is pretty much all.  I feel like a pity invite.  Christmas Day will be spent in a new way --going to a movie then over to my daughters to have Christmas Breakfast Dinner.  It is going to be very small this year. I'm pretty sure just daughter, son, son in law and myself.  It is sad to have such a small family.  I came from being an only child and loved being married into a large family.  When I was young we always had part of the day entertaining my dads family then when they left we went into my Grandma Kelly's.  My Mom was one of eight and I had 22 cousins,  not everyone was there the same time but enough to be fun.  The dinner table groaned,  we had to sit where we could because the table was full--overly full.  This all changed when my Dad got sick.  We only had one Christmas with him while he was sick and he was quite ill at that point.  I think that is when my childhood was gone forever.  I always was an old child having been raised as an only by what was older parents back in those days.  My Mom never did recover from his death.

I miss so much this time of year.  I wonder if my Dad hadn't gotten sick what life would have been like.  Would my Mom have had a better less bitter life?  Would they have even stayed married?   Would I have still met my ex husband?  I think that might have been different,  I think my Dad would have been more strict on my comings and goings.  My Mom just really didn't care.  She should have been thankful I was a good kid.  So if I hadn't met him then Erin and Mike wouldn't have been born--that is the only reason I'm glad things happened like they did.

About the Ex,  I keep playing one of those awful loops in my head today, nothing like not feeling great and being bored.  I keep hearing some of the things he said about me to me.  I had maybe an insight today,  maybe he was saying all of those things so he could believe them and make it easier on him to get out of the marriage.  When he said "He didn't think I loved him anymore, so I wouldn't care that he was having an affair"  maybe projecting because he knew it was wrong?  When he said I was lazy, stupid and enjoyed having a laugh at my expense,  just belittling me so he could feel better about what he was doing?    I know we had gotten to the point where we were not in sync anymore but it wasn't the first time in our 30+ years we had gotten to that point and we always managed to find what we had that made us get together, so I just thought it was another one of those periods.  I thought having the young friend that was also a girl who liked motorcycles, football, drinking and drugs was the mid life crisis thing coming back to haunt me again.  I thought I could outlast it and it turned out I was wrong.

The other thing that seems to play forever in my mind is how I got the short end of life in the divorce.  He got the house for a while, he kept the business, he had the girlfriend(took my place before my place was cold) and he got the family that he never really wanted.  Going to family things were something he did not enjoy but went because I asked him too.  He would never have remembered his Mom's birthday or to call her once a week if I hadn't reminded him.  I knew she looked forward to those calls.  I also am so angry that he has found a new relationship for over the past 2 years,  he didn't want to be tied down so the best I can tell is that he hasn't been by himself hardly at all since we separated .  It just doesn't seem fair--but who said life is fair.  If he ever remarries I think I might blow a gasket.  One of his major statements is" I will never get married again"    So I got rid of a major loser but also lost a lot of other important stuff to me.  I've had to stretch and grow the last few years.  It is painful.  There are times if I didn't have the dog to take care of and my Mom that I think I would have just let go.  But the  knowledge that they need me kept me going on.  I wouldn't want to hurt my kids,  I guess that is the real reason.

So I work on seeking the positives I have in my life:
I have kids who love me.
I have many great friends who love me
I have a nice home that I have put together mostly on my own
I have a job--this one is positive and negative but working on a new job
I still contribute to the world in small ways

Negatives
I don't like my job, it doesn't pay enough to live on
I am alone- I haven't found someone to share my journey with
My health is having some blips--trying to work on those
Depression seems to be a constant companion
Always worried about finances

Lots of stuff to think about on the eve of Christmas Eve

Stupid Head

OK, my broken record keeps playing.  I just don't understand how I could have done things right and have had someone treat me so wrong.  All I did was love and care and I got repaid by lying, cheating and abuse.  I think of where I was 4 years ago, this is the day I did battle because he wanted to cheat me out of a company we had built.  He didn't want to share like our separation agreement,  he opened up a whole separate company to run business from starting in Nov.  He was willing to change the name and take all the money for work he and I did together and cut me out.  I've cried buckets and buckets of tears.  I'mnot sure how a person can cry to much.  This is on top of cheating on the marriage and lying lying lying.  I didn't embrace all the things he wanted to do but I didn't mind when he rode the motorcycle, went to bike nights and rally's.  I was glad it made him happy.  It was adding a woman into that mix who molded herself to what he liked that tipped the scale. I was tired of being alone on weekends and having his mind and money going to his hobby.  I have to say at one point he offered to take a trip through the mountains in a convertible so I could go along.  The problem with that was he would have resented me for not riding the bike.  I know how he was when he wasn't happy,  he made everyone else around him unhappy.  I want to know why it matters so much to understand why he thought what he did was acceptable behavior,  he gave me the speech of it's not you it's me, that just sounds like a bunch of crock.  I want to know if the girl he had an affair with was the first or just one of many.  I want to know how he could have been so cruel.  I'll not get the answers I feel would help me move forward.  He is playing a good game for his family and my kids right now.  I don't think that skunk could change his stripe,  I think he is just covering for right now.  He lost a lot of respect from people during our divorce and must feel the need to redeem himself in his family.  They were so angry with him,  but that has died down and I've been replaced with the last girlfriend who he has had for over 2 years.  The I never want to be married has settled down with a woman and seems to have made some sort of commitment to her since he is living with her when he was in town.  The bad thing is I'm living a half life waiting to find a someone to join me in my life, I just feel we are better as  a pair. I'm lonely and never wanted to live alone.  I always wanted to be married to my love and here I am alone.  I want a partner but I'm afraid at the same time.  My baggage is in many suitcases and I need to be clearing them out but it is a difficult job.  I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this,  how can I trust someone when the one I trusted abused my trust so badly.

Life Is?

Life is Hard.

Life is Challenging

Life is opportunity

Life is interesting

Life is ???

Trying to figure out what life is and is suppose to be.  I sure am not where I thought I would be at this stage of life.  The vision I had has nothing to do with the reality I'm facing.  I'm getting older ad getting fearful about being able to take care of myself.  Money is a big issue,  I have some put away but with costs going up and insurance being sky high to afford am I going to be be able to make it.  It is easier when there are two.  A partnership one helping another when they are down.  I'm going through the grocery the other night and thought I hate shopping for one.  I am beginning to hate cooking for one.  I'm losing the desire and ability to cook for myself.  Why go for a meal when a sandwich is easier?  Are we engineered to be part of a set or a couple?  Is that why I'm having such a hard time moving from the place I'm stuck?  I am paralyzed by fear.  I don't know what to do and it takes too much energy to try and do something to propel me on the path I want to be on.  I'm starting to understand my Mom just a bit after my Dad died.  It was easier to not participate in life then have to use all the energy you have getting through the day.  I'm not going to give up like she did, but I do have an small insight into why you would.    I don't feel well.  Not sure if it physical or mental or a little of both.  New medicine kicking my butt,  I didn't take it tonight,  I've got a job interview tomorrow and don't need to be ill and trying to get through that.  Not sure this is a good job--they have only been in business a year and that concerns me.  I've been thinking a lot about my inner child--my core or whatever it is called.  Why do I always think I'm wrong,  that I never get it right.  Is the voices that have filled my life- Mom --ex Husband.  Your not enough, your lazy, your wrong, your stupid, your fat, your hair is wrong, you spend too much money.  And so on and so on.  I try so hard to get it right but it just doesn't seem to be enough.  I love with all my heart and try to be a good person.  I work hard and keep up my end of the bargains.  So what have I done to end up alone and starting over at this age.  For some reason age is bothering me a lot lately.

Why do we?

Why do we humans long so much for love?  Love from a child, pet or friend works.  What makes us lovable or unlovable?  Is it right that we are sometimes expected to change from who we are to what someone else wants to make us lovable?   Then if we do that do we lose the self love we must have for ourselves.   Self love sounds selfish but I think you must have it.  Sometimes I don't love my "inner child" enough.  This is when the self doubts creep in and make me doubt that I am "lovable"  This is the point where I tend toward depression,  when my heart hurts and tears flow.  I hope I am lovable.  I've lost family and more family in the last couple of years, my ex in laws and for some reason the only blood family I have left on my Mom's side.  I don't think I did any thing wrong but I'm sensitive about this for some reason.  I guess because the man I thought was the love of my life was able to discard me so easily.  I wish I could ask the questions and get real answers not what he thinks would be the right answer.  I'm really tired of the not you it is me,  it wasn't anything you did and so on.

Losing it

How do you know when you are losing our mind?  I keep wondering what I have done to cause my life to spiral in this direction.  Nothing seems to be going right,  the last four years have been full of stress and problems.  Tonight my Mom calls, (third time this week) I need kleenex day one,  I need snacks, I'm out (I tried to leave the ones I bought her last week but no she said no take them home-so I did)  Today it was bring me graham crackers-(they are good for the bowels) more than I wanted to know about bowels.   I'll see her tomorrow and be glad that is off my plate for this week.  I often wonder if some of why things are going right is Karma's way of smacking me for not being a better person -not really wanting to take care of my Mom.  Could it be that?  I'm just not sure.  I really don't think I'm a bad person. I try hard to be kind and do the right thing.  I got another job rejection today,  I really didn't get a chance for an interview-they have already filled the position.  They will keep me in mind if there is anything comes up.  This is my 3rd recruiter working for me.  It will happen.  It just keeps my life uncertain.

I want to enjoy my vacation in a week and 1/2.   I have plans to do some things to my house,  I hope I have the energy and my pain is at an acceptable level.   I'm really tired of the pain-mental and physical.

Holidays

I'm already at a really low point.  The holidays are approaching and I am already have lots of pain in my soul.  It is almost like it was two years ago.  I feel like I was replaced so easily.  I lost my spot in the world.  Wife, mother, part of a large happy family, future leader of the women of family.  Now I have core group of family that I have created,  they are so worth it but it still causes me so much pain when I read about my ex family getting together to plan Thanksgiving celebrations.  This was my job that  I so enjoyed.  It gave my holidays meaning.  I read on facebook that they are meeting at my ex's girlfriends (of over 2 years) house to plan the day.  For a man who didn't want the family roots that were so important to me, he got it all.  My Thanksgiving day consists of being with my demented mother.  Right now I'm not sure what I'm going to do with her.  Cousins usually invite us but haven't heard anything,  at least if I go there they keep her occupied and I don't have the total responsibility.   My kids most likely will be with the Robbins,  ouch it hurts but that is the tradition they know.  I still want to know what I did in the marriage to cause him to choose the way he treated me.  Was I not loving enough,  did I not pay enough attention to him,  was my distaste for his hobbies  the straw that broke all he told me about loving me forever.  I have a really hard time listening to love songs because they seem like such a crock.  How could the man who the Thursday told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever on Tuesday say he didn't want to be married anymore.   I just don't understand.  

I think I have a lot to offer the right guy,  I have so much love to offer.  I have a good heart.  Why am I so alone?

I think the health issues have caused some of this pain.  High blood pressure, cataracts and breast reduction revision have all happened in the last week.  I'm not sleeping well and got Lunesta,  my god how much medicine costs.  The new BP medicine and the Lunesta cost 120.00 with insurance for 30 pills of each, so 2.00 a pill.  With the other 4 prescriptions I have my medicine costs have taken a bite out of my budget.

Just another thing to stress about.

Love Never?

I think maybe I'm meant to be alone.  Maybe that is my fate.  Not what I envisioned, not what I really want but maybe that is the way it is suppose to be.  I just got to thinking about it today and maybe I'm fighting against karma-fate or whatever.  I've been alone over 4 years,  I wish I could have found the right man,  just don't know where to look.  Maybe I'll stop driving myself to being unhappy if I just give up.  I kept hoping I would find someone to share all the good things in life with.  I hoped I would have someone to be with n New Year's Eve, parties, birthdays, holidays and just everyday life.

My mood has dropped into the floor. I had a really good Friday night with friends, Sat. some more friends stopped by and we had dinner together.  So that was the good part.  Today I've sat too much, watched too much TV and brooded too much.  I had every intention of doing come fall cleaning today,  Taking one room and cleaning from top to bottom.  I just couldn't summon up the energy. I feel oddly guilty when I don't do something, reading and playing on the computer seems wasteful.

So as I get tired and night falls I get sad.  I wonder if I will ever get another job,  I wonder if I will ever find a man to love me as I deserve to be loved,  I wonder if life will ever have less stress, I wonder if my aches and pains will ever subside.  All questions that I don't have the answers to.  I wish I knew the answers.

I did mange to pick some books and movies to put into the give away pile.  So not a totally wasted day.

Again

My birthday was last week.  I've tried not to let the fact that my Mom didn't even say happy birthday to me bother me. She didn't realize it was my birthday I guess.  She has dementia,  so I don't expect a lot from her but even 25 years ago she didn't remember my birthday.  My ex husband used to call her to remind her.  She only had one kid--me.  You wouldn't think it would be hard to remember that kids birthday.  I try to give her slack now since she isn't all there but she looks at her calender every day and marks the days off, you think Aug. 20 would have possibly spurred her mind.  I don't know why I let things like that bother but it does.  I guess I've always wanted her love and approval and respect but I don't think I will ever get it from her.  The time to maybe make peace with her has slipped away like her mind is doing.

Love actually

I'm sitting here watching a movie called Love Actually,  it is a good movie that has given me food for thought.  There are a lot of different kinds of love.  Friend Love, Romantic Love, Shallow Love and fake love.    I'm also looking for Soul Mate Love,  I think it exists,  I hope it exists, I want it to exist.  Finding it is another thing.  I don't know where to look and I'm afraid to let myself let go when I do find it.  I've figured out that I am afraid,  when you put your feelings out there you can get hurt very much.  I met a guy on line,  very nice guy but not what I'm looking for.  I could keep going out and I might, but just as a friend.  I'm like a fish in very tall reeds,  looking out at the world and darting out into the open, sampling but swimming back into my safe reed home.  I can see this very clearly and want to draw it out and just can't seem to get it down on paper.  I'm a frightened fish.  

I got a little angry today and railed against fate,  then thought why not me.  Fate Karma or whatever has given me a chance to make new tomorrows and I'm wasting time looking back on the past.  I'm still hurt from all that happened.  I'm still angry about what happened.  I didn't deserve what went on  but and a big but maybe I wasn't paying attention to karma and doing the things I should so had to be whacked over the heart with a big stick studded with nails.  That induced me to make a change.  I don't care much for change,  it has seemed to me to be negative.  I'm going to two job interviews on Monday and have to say it scares the  crap out of me.  Even though what I have is not good and giving me way too much stress at least I know it.  I'm trying to be positive that a change will be good.

Am I ever going to feel like life is good.  It has it's good time and I'm still grieving over the pass.  I tried to empty some of the past earlier this week and though I had made some progress and I guess I did.

My brain hurts.

Pain

I've discovered that pain for me drains my energy and spirits.  The pain I've been dealing with for a long time.  Years in fact.  Neck/shoulders/arms/hips/knees. At one point or another and sometimes in tandem all these things hurt.  Surgery in April was a good idea but I didn't think on the long term pain of it.  My IBT's are still sore and still healing.  Since then I've developed a painful left shoulder. I've been through all the non invasive treatment we could think of.  Stretching, exercise, deep tissue massage, ultrasound, acupuncture and iontophereses.  Nothing has stopped the pain which sometimes reaches an 8 on the pain scale.  We think it is a torn rotator cuff.  So now I get to go to an orthopedist and see if that is what it is.  The choices once there if it is torn is an injection or surgery.  So I guess an MRI is in my future then a diagnose and figure out next step.  I get relief when I find the sweet spot where it isn't painful but just aches.

My spirits are low. I'm tired, if I roll over in bed wrong the pain strikes.  There is pain in so many places but nothing that keeps me from going on.  It has been suggested I have fibromaligia  but no one has given me that as a thing I have.  So I just keep on taking pain pills,  the lowest doses I can get by with.  I can't imagine what life is without  pain

Aftermath

I had a great 4th of July party yesterday.  I had a good number of friends come, over 25 and we all talked and ate and tried to stay cool.  Temp's of 105 with all those bodies make the house rather warm.  Everything was good until someone uninvited came.  Some other people I invited to this party are very uncomfortable with this person.  The person has said some really ugly things about one of my friends and has been acting badly.  So I did not include them in the invites.  The couple who was uncomfortable with this person left shortly after he arrived.  After talking with another friend I think I know who invited him.  I really don't know what to do or say should this happen again.  I don't plan on a large party for quite some time so maybe this will work out before that happens.  I feel like I'm in high school sometimes,  although I really understand why some people really don't want to be around him.

I enjoyed giving this party I like to have people over and it was really a low key party.  I didn't have to decorate or anything extra.  So I like to have people around, one of the things that makes me happy.

I'm still dealing with depression,  guess I will talk with my therapist on Tues.  I can guess that some days around this time are trigger points.  anniversaries and breakup dates.  July is full of these and so is August.  I'll get through but man is it hard.

Time to think

Sometimes I have way to much time to think.  With working on healing and trying to take life a bit easier than I'm used to my mind has had way too much time to dwell on the past.    I've been going back to my childhood-trying to figure out if my Mom ever really loved me or just put up a front.  I never remember hugs and kisses but do remember being grabbed and spanked quite often.  Maybe that's why I have a good girl complex, don't do bad or you will be spanked.  I look at pictures and she never looks happy and if we are in a picture together she isn't generally holding me.  I know I changed the past,  I was a much more loving Mom to my kids that she ever was to me.  My kids were wanted and welcomed.  I think my Dad loved me. He always seemed to be more loving and kinder than she was. Is this the start of my pain of being rejected?  Is that why I fear to do some things because I'm afraid of being rejected.  I know some of this isn't in my mind.  I have a friend who knew my Mom, Dad and me,  she has recently told me that she thinks my Mom was jealous of me and my Dad's relationship.  That has started me delving into my past trying to make sense of things.  Karma has a funny way of working things,  I really wonder what I've done in my past to end up with all the bites Karma has sent my way.  Taking care of my Mom is no joy,  I've been doing it since I was 16 years old in one form or another.  Now I have total responsibility of her care.  Karma bites.

I gave my heart to a boy when I was still a girl and he held it for a good number of years, until he decided he didn't want to be married anymore.  He was not a good man,  the boy he was was much more honest, caring  and kind.  The man he evolved into was a liar, cheater and thief.  Why did I work so hard to make it work only to have him do horrible things.  Why did I try to fight in a way for him when he had already checked out.  People try to convince me he has changed, I think he is very good about putting on a front.   I just don't believe he has had a epiphany and  is now a honest good man again.    I am very afraid he will hurt our kids, that is when I could knock him down and say a lot of the things I refrained from during the divorce. They have their own issues with him, they are adults  and the relationship they have are what they can make work with him.  Again Karma bites,  this was suppose to be the easy time in life,  when retirement beckons and money isn't such a stress.  He picked the worse economic time to decide to throw me over.

Have I ever had a job that I enjoyed and looked forward to going to.  No. This job I have now is a stress ridden toxic job.  I'm looking but nothing is really happening yet.  I'm not sure this is Karma or I just picked the wrong career path.  But I'm afraid to try something different,  I know it is an excuse but it is how I feel.  I'm not sure I'm smart enough or could do it.  School is something I haven't experienced since 1979  do I have the brain power to study and remember.  Will my age be against me in a new career?  It goes against me know in my job search.

Way to much time in my head.  My heart still hurts with pains from a lot of different things.  My Dad, my Mom, John and choices I've made.  I'm still grieving what I thought I had,  not what was the reality but what my rose colored glasses gave me.  I'm afraid I will grow old and not find anyone to share the golden years with.  I really only wanted to be a wife and mother in life,  the degree and job where just something to help all the other stuff happen.  I feel like a ruderless ship, don't know what direction to go into,  how to get where I think I want to be.

Down

I've been down in the dumps for a while.  I'm trying to pull out but have a really hard time doing so.  I haven't gone through this surgery to make a nice looking corpse.  I wish I knew what to do, I wish I had a plan for life.  I didn't have a good marriage and I don't know why I mourn it still.  I cried when I was married and I'm crying now, so is now any different from then?    I don't have to deal with a moody and unfaithful husband so this crying I'm doing know should be better.  I cry from frustration, being lonely and fear.   I'm afraid I won't be able to take care of myself in the future.  I don't want to be a burden on anyone, I want to find joy and fun in my future.  I worry about money, being able to retire (probably never) and aging.

I've got good friends and a good home and a wonderful puppy dog, so all in all my life is good.  I just keep repeating it.

Just to clear my head

Tonight I need to clear my head.

I am tired of hurting and trying to understand healing is what it is.  It takes as long as it takes.  At least I'm healing, right now no extra surgery so that is good.  I like the results and think when all heals and I feel normal again it will be all good.

I'm tired of acting strong.  I would like to be coddled sometimes.  But I feel the need to not need the extra attention.  I don't want to be like my Mom and expect to be taken care of so I tend to go the other way and not want help.

I want to have my soul mate in my life.  I don't want to live life waiting on something good to happen.  I'm getting older and don't know how many years I have left to live life.  I need to make a plan.  If I only knew which way to go.

I need a new job,  the one I have is so toxic that it is hard to go to work everyday  I am bored and don't enjoy what I do.  The problem is what I do is the only marketable skill I have.  I'm applying in hopes to find something that is at least tolerable.

My Mom.,  I must learn and continue to not let her push my buttons.  She is so good at it even in the early stages of dementia.  I have made every effort to have a different life.  I must continue so I don't end up lonely and bitter.

I must learn to accept my body.  It is mine and will be mine until I'm gone.  I must accept my weight.  I must accept my aging.  It is what it is.

I must let go of the past.  I've learned some lessons from the past.  I need to stop thinking about it so much.  It hits when I'm tired and stressed.  I want to forget what has happened,  I don't want to dream about it any more.  I want the thoughts about the ex to be gone.  I want karma to bite him on the ass hard.  I have reconciled myself to what has happened and I know I should forgive the wrongs I feel he has done to me.

I wish I could be whole, healthy and sane.  Maybe one day.:\

Time passes slowly sometimes

When your trying to heal and get back into the normal life mode, time moves very slowly.  I'm going to a once a year event on Sat.  I don't want to miss it but worry that my energy will run out way too soon.  I think I'll be finding spots to sit and rest.  I hate not being able to do all that I want.  I didn't think this surgery would take so much out and have so much trouble getting it back.  I love the look of my IBT's but still have pain and sores.  I don't get to see the PS for another week and a half.  I hope everything heals ok.  I'm scared of complications and scarring.  So far the blood supply seems to be good to all the areas,  just have some bad spots and sores that aren't healing as well as I would hope.

I talked with my counselor on Thursday and he helped me to understand why I seem to be more depressed.  Hopefully it will lift soon.  This is a bane of my life.  I seem to fall into this in cycles.  I want a different life in a lot of ways,  I want a new job, I want someone in my life who will be my partner,  I want to enjoy life.  This doesn't seem to me to be unattainable, I just need to figure out how.

Tired and sore

I'm so over being tired and sore.  I did this to myself but it has been 4 weeks tomorrow since major surgery.  I went back to work Monday and I'm taking tomorrow off.  I went back too soon.  So now I've got time to make up in the healing and resting department.  I'm not sure what kind of work hours I'm going to try next week.  I worked 22 hours in 4 days which doesn't sound bad but about hour 3 of the day I was walking like an old lady, all hunched over with my shoulders trying to touch my ears.  One day I worked 7, didn't plan but had a mandatory meeting at 3 pm that lasted 1 hour 15 minutes and my head got lower and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to drive home.  Enough said.  I have a spot that was fairly small but with all the movement I did at work has gotten a bit bigger and I think it may have added a friend although very small.  So lots of rest and not doing much for the next couple of days  Don't see the PS until next Thursday unless I get really worried.  I didn't think it was going to be this difficult.  I usually bounce back from things pretty well so this has been a surprise.    I will still say I'm glad I did it and will be glad when a couple of weeks more pass and healing happens and energy returns.  I'm getting a bit bored and lonely.  Miss doing stuff.  At least my big boss was understanding and told me to work shorter days or three days a week or whatever works for me.  I still have 9 sick and 2 personal days left so I can afford the time.

Not for the weak

BR surgery is not for the weak.  This is 24 days past surgery date,  I'm still having a lot of pain and discomfort. So at night I'm still taking pain pills and a sleeping pill.  Being a side sleeper and having to be a back sleeper is hard, for over 3 weeks now.   They call them frankenboobs and that is a good term.  Scars and stitches putting things back together again, look a bit scary.  They still have bad spots that are healing slower and there is some blood coming from one of the worst spots. I think it is because I moved around a lot more today.  I'm tired and I'm tired of feeling in pain and sore.  I think I have been hurting physically for years and this is just a little more in my face pain, I can name it and know it.  I hope this surgery lives up to healing relieve my neck and back pain.

OK three weeks post surgery and pain pills are wonderful.  I took two an hour ago and the rough awful rug burn feeling  is not hurting so much.  I'm glad I did this but man the recovery is tough.  This has stirred up a whole lot of stuff.  It is like the crap settles to the bottom and every now and then a spoon dips in there and stirs shit up.  I deserve to have someone in my life to love me and respect, care and cherish me.  I had surgery and didn't get a lot of help afterward.  My daughter stayed with me for a couple of days, my son has cut my grass twice and lord it is a jungle out there.  He said he would cut it tomorrow, only if it drys out.  I could have used more help.  I know I try to put out there that I don't need help I can manage.  It is a great front but leaves something lacking in this situation.  I cleaned last week, it was wrong to do an I knew it but couldn't stand the dog hair.  This week I was wiser and it is dusty and dirty.  When most of what you can do is sit and rest it starts wearing on you.  I go back to work Monday and I'm really worried that my energy won't come back fast enough.  I've been looking for a new job and that is stressing me out also.  I need one and at least have the leisure to choose what I apply for.  Last time it was whatever I could find.    It has stirred up a lot about the ex. Again this was when he should have supported me, coddled me and made me feel valued.  I haven't told his family because they really aren't in my life any more.  This seems to be hurting more right now.  I get over it and then it comes back and bites.  I know who my friends are, they are standing with and supporting me with love.  Sometimes it takes life events to separate the cream from the milk.  I'm angry that he dodged all responsibility that we agreed to.  All the big life stuff you need that person by your side.  I was there when he broke his back, I was there when his dad died, I was there when his sister died.  I was there helping to take care of his Mom and sister when they needed a driver, listener and support.  Where was he when my Mom has cancer and surgery,  where was he after I had surgery and needed a lot of help (excuse he was working to support us)  couldn't take more time off.  Where was he when I needed him to help with the kids,  how may times did he do karate and soccer duty.  The kids to the Dr.  I don't know why I miss him because he was never there to be a partner.  I want that partner in life, what has happened to sticking with each other through the good and bad?  Why do people give up so easily?  I wish I knew.  So this is the stuff that has been stirred up in my mind- being that right now I'm  not as strong as usual.

Hit over the head with weariness

I'm on day 17 post surgery and I think this week is harder than the last.  I keep reminding myself that I had major invasive surgery that lasted 4 hours,  so major work with major operating time.  I'm still sleeping on my back sitting up somewhat.  So pain, lack of good sleep and some depression all playing into my mood.  I want to cry but to tired to do it.  Took one of my last two pain pills and getting a little relief but still hurts.  I asked if they could give me something better than advil but less than percocet and the nurse offered to see if the doctor would send some Vicodene to the pharmacy ,I didn't hear nothing today so guess he either wouldn't or she didn't get hold of him.  Now I have to wonder if Vicodene and Loratab are really hydracodine which is something I'm allergic to.  I just want some relief.  I go back to work next week,  I don't know if my energy will be up to the task.:(

Moving On

I guess I'm not good at moving on.  Tomorrow is Thunder Over day and the ex and I had been going for many years.  When we opened our company we got really good seats down on the River.  It was a big splurge that we enjoyed.  Now the thought of Thunder just gives me pain.  Why does he still have a small corner of my heart surrounded by pain.  My son is going with him.  It's good for Mike but hope it isn't too much for his issues.  I guess I hurt so much because here I sit still by myself.  I think I'm open for love, finding someone to spend time with.  Why is it so hard for me but was way to easy for him to move on.  He had a girlfriend before I even knew we were over.  He kept her for awhile then found a woman he has been with for two years.  So far I've managed one coffee date, one dutch date and a movie and lunch date,  for heavens sake it's been over 3 years.  Is it fear that keeps me from getting in the swim of things?  Possible.  I'm sitting here recovering from surgery, feeling alone and not feeling very well at all.  It's been a week and it's been tough.  I'm older than the last major surgery I had so I guess I should have expected this to be hard.  I think it will be worth it when I'm healed.  I feel like I'm missing something in my life.  Am I going to grow old like my Mom, all alone in my house becoming a recluse like her?  I don't think so but I feel like I'm following a pattern that she had.  I've got to change things,  I don't want to be like her.  Lots of stuff coming up since I'm tired and feeling yucky.  More tears,  I've cried buckets and buckets of tears but always seem to be more.

New Me

I'm getting ready to take a big step to a new me.  I'm facing surgery tomorrow and am worried about the pain and healing that will have to take place.  It will help my health and maybe make me feel better about my body.  All that is to be determined.  I discovered I rely a lot on Advil,  I have not been able to take it for about 2 weeks and find my pain level has gone up several notches.   Maybe this surgery will help cut down on the Advil use,  that would be good.  I guess I shall see, I probably should going to bed, but not sure I will sleep, but should try.

Grass cutting

I've realized I get a lot of thinking going on when I cut grass.  Not a job I like or enjoy.  In times pass I've cussed and fussed at my ex.  I blamed him for having to do these jobs,  I actually did them while we were married, so not sure why I cussed him then.  So today while cutting the grass I got to thinking about being in a relationship.  I realized that I'm not up to having my heart broke again.  So this makes me wonder if I could commit to a relationship.  I think you have to risk your heart in order to have something wonderful with someone.  I guess it would matter on how special the person was.  I just want someone who will love, respect, care and take me for who I am.  I would love to meet someone and find out about how to date in this century.

Things Ahead

I finally got insurance to pay for a procedure that I've been wanting for a while.  Some of the desire for this is to help my pain levels and some is that maybe it will help me accept myself better.  I'm both excited and scared at the same time.  I have had several major surgeries,  I know the fear and I know what to expect afterward.  There will be pain, discomfort and being extremely tired.  This will last for a little while.  I will have to rediscover my balance since this will be changed.  I hope it meets my expectations.  It will also give me freedom to start looking to start over in a new job.  I'm so down on energy from working in a extremely negative place.  I really think there needs to be a mix of males and females in a job.  I work with all females and some of the behavior would not happen if there was a man in the mix.  Some females just need a male around to stop some of their silly games and act right.  I'm sad that it seems to still be that way in the world.  It makes me sad that some females still act that way. So between the behaviors, low pay and the thought in my mind that the organization I work for is on a downhill slide--it's time to look for a new better paying position.  I was hanging around for several reasons and by mid May they should be completed.   But I have now got a small(really small) pension and insurance will pick up 80% of the costs with this surgery and I have sick days to use-so will get paid while I'm off it was worth hanging on to this job for a while longer.  I would love to find something different to do, but my skills are what they are and I don't think I would get paid enough if I started over in a different field.  It is hard when you are the one wage earner and still have most of the costs of a couple.  House doesn't care if one or two people live in it .  The costs are pretty much the same.  So I guess I'll stay in the field I'm in and hopefully make +10,000 more than I'm making now.  It all depends on how much neck I'm willing to stick out.

History

Well another weekend is history,  if only the workdays passed as fast as the weekend.  I had a fun Friday night, a introspective Sat. and a busy and fun Sunday.  It sucks that we lost an hour.  I need to go to bed but my brain is saying-it's too early for you to go to sleep, which means tomorrow will be really hard.  It takes me at least a week to get used to the change.  The Spring forward is always worse.


Well off for another week of  {fun}, maybe I'll get the go ahead from the insurance company and get that done so I can get really busy looking for a job.  I eagerly look for the mail right now.

Feelings of lost

I'm sitting at home on a Sat. night.  I know I could have gone to a single event, I know I could have posted and found someone to go out to dinner with but felt the need to recharge my batteries a little.  I realized tonight that I'm waiting,  waiting on a medical decision from the insurance -which means I need to wait on finding a new job(good insurance),  waiting on finding someone to be in my life, waiting to go to Mexico again, waiting to lose weight, waiting to have life begin.  Why is it the I can't be satisfied with what I have?  It's not a bad life,  I have a lot of good people in my life, I have fun and I can support myself and take care of myself.  I just feel like I'm waiting.  I have been revisiting going back to school to do something different,  not sure what but I'm so burned out on accounting.  I need to make a certain amount of money in order to have the standard of living I've got now, so the job would have to make that much.  I know from reading that a lot of what is in my head is excuses not to take action.  Fear plays a big part in that  I've always viewed change as a negative thing but I need to reverse that and see that change can be positive.

I've been dealing with some losses of friends.  I had the urge to call one of them tonight but realized that it wouldn't so any good.  I'm afraid that chapter has closed with a loud bang, really just a whimper but it can never be what it was before.  I miss her but we can't seem to get on a level footing.  The relationship has just changed.  She has told me many times that I was her best friend,  it doesn't seem that it lasted.  When you have to guard what you say all the time it makes it difficult.  Damn John for all the pain he has caused so many people.  My kids have suffered, his family has suffered and I've suffered.  I wish things had been different.

I'm just feeling lonely and sad tonight, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Rerun

My emotions seem to be in a rerun state.  I thought I had moved past so much.  But again I feel like I'm grieving what was or what I thought it was.  I think about the ex and wonder if I still care for him.  One thing I'm sure of is that if he wanted back in my life it would be a resounding NO.  There is no way I could ever want to be with him, I could never trust him or be safe with him.  So that said why do I keep looking backward?  I'm going to Mexico which is my happy spot in the world.  I'll be with people I love.  I can't seem to lose the pain in my soul. I keep getting the repeating words in my head "unlovable, unlovable, unlovable"  I know I have people who love me, but I don't have the partner in life that I need.  How to find an answer to this I don't have a clue.  The socializers over 40 are a very nice group of people but I don't find a connection with any of them.  Going to bars-not the place to find someone.  Internet dating is just creepy.  So I'm not sure how I'm suppose to find someone.

I have been again getting feelings that I don't want to be in the world,  I guess I will have to talk with the counselor about that again.  This too feels like a rerun,  it just keeps popping up in my head.  I know I'll still be around, I have responsibility that I can't abandon :(

Being Loved.

I had thought I moved through the phase of wondering why my ex stopped loving me.  I wonder the last week or so why I became unlovable to him.  What happened to the promises he made to love me forever, grow old together, retire and sit on the porch in rocking chairs and enjoy the view?  All turned to ashes and swept away.  I wondered why this particular demon raised up again,  I then realized that Feb 3rd was the anniversary of my divorce being final.  3 years.  I have come a long way so why do I wonder why I'm so unlovable?  I guess I thought I might have found someone to love me and be loved in return by this point.  I can't even find dates, I don't even know where to look.  Am I destined to spend the rest of my life going to things alone and coming home to me, myself and I?  I don't need someone to complete me but someone to compliment me.  I'm going to Mexico, again, by myself,  the lone wheel in the world of couples.  But if I don't go alone I won't get to go at all. There are times I wish I could ask questions of the ex but not sure I would get answers.  Not sure he knows the answers.  Why did you cheat on me,  was I so lacking in something you were looking for.  Did I change too much or not enough?  I know you told me it was you not me but that just doesn't ring true.  I know there is no way nor would I want to be together again.  I know we were not the happiest the last 2 years or so.  Was there a way to fix it?  Probably not.  How long had you been carrying on with other women?  Did you even think how much you would hurt me?  One of your statements was that you didn't think I cared,  I just can't understand how you ever would have thought that.  You said you would have given up 2 wheels for 4 if I had just said yes.  I know how when you didn't like something you made no pretense to be enjoying yourself, so I can't imagine exchanging the motorcycle for a convertible would have worked.  You were so enamoured with your motorcycle.  I was competing with that as well has a 25 year old.  Did I have a chance of winning?  I doubt it.  Why can't I get past this?

Future

I keep looking forward and wondering what my future will hold.  My biggest fear is being old and alone.  I see my Mom's life and know I don't want to go down the same path that she did.  I really hope to find someone to compliment me and be partners in life.  One of the things I dislike a lot is going to things alone and coming back home alone.  I can do it but it doesn't mean I like it.  Went to a play last night and it just feels lonely when you arrive by yourself and then when you come home to an empty house.  I guess I'll get used to it.

Happiness

I'm beginning to think happiness is over rated, or maybe for some but not for others.  I was with friends tonight and I enjoy their company a lot.  One set of friends got married in Dec and had a very nice reception tonight.  I'm happy for them and glad they found one another.  I was around other couples who seem to be very happy,  It's hard since I want to find the person who compliments my life, one who makes me smile and laugh.  I just don't see it happening.  I think I'm ready to have a new person in my life.  I want someone who loves and cherishes me.  Respect is also going to be important.  I may not be the best or brightest but I deserve to be respected.  Lacking in my last relationship so I know I need this in the next one.  I'm so glad for those who have found love in their life but also a bit jealous too