Christmas Eve

OK another Christmas Eve, different from last year but trying hard to find a "right" Christmas Eve.  Took Mom out to lunch,  I really really don't like to take her out of the home but felt she might enjoy a lunch out, not sure she did,  She doesn't do well in crowded noisy places so we take her to Wild Eggs,  very loud with lots of people.  Why does she start whispering in places like that.  I can't hear her or understand her.  I'm thankful my daughter, son and son in law went with me, it made it a lot better than just the two of us.  Tonight going to brave going to my in-laws, Erin, Chris and Mike will be there also,  so I won't feel so alone.  He will be there with his girlfriend so a bit of discomfort on my part.  But I'm strong and will do fine.  Then Christmas Morning, thought about going to church but not sure if I will, maybe sleep late so it won't seem so strange waking up alone,  I'm not fond of this alone time,  I'll have Guinness if I don't beat her first, durn dog seems to know when I screw up and leave something she isn't suppose to have where she can get it. So Christmas at my daughters tomorrow will be fun with friends. :)

Holidays Part 2

Sitting here tonight watching "Christmas Vacation" very funny movie and generally I laugh a lot but not tonight.  Not sure why my mood is on the edge and taking a turn into sadness. I'm trying so hard to fight this, I want this holiday to be better than the last 3.  I spoke with a old friend tonight,  she is a friend of my dad and mom.  But she calls and makes me feel better.  She has told me I'm strong and did the right thing to place my Mom in the nursing home.  I have to think that since she is a contempory of my Mom, both of them soon to turn 85and she has known me since I was born that she can real me a bit.  She told me I sounded sad in my Christmas card-- I thought I was upbeat.  She said I sounded much better tonight.  I am better, stronger but have lost some of the wonder of the season.  It's just different now, more of a chore in a lot of ways.  There are so many people who hurt during this season.  Relationships are hard to connect during this Hallmark holiday.  They make it look so easy, everyone happy and getting along,  but not in real life.  I'm on vacation and my boss calls, we talk 1  1/2 hours on how bad the place where I work is.  Things that others don't know,  the people I work with better sit up and take notice.  This are really bad on the money side and if it doesn't turn around I'm not sure any of us will have a job.  Just what I need to have to take the first job offered me when I start looking.  Wish I could find something I enjoyed doing.  Not enough joy in life if your job sucks,  I spend way too much time at the job to be unhappy,  the job I have now is getting to that point.

Tonight I feel somewhat lost.  My mood if iffy at best and depressed at worst.  I thought I made a lot of progress especially this last weekend.  I faced a huge fear-probably the biggest one I've have ever faced and came out with new insight.  The feelings I thought I would have didn't happen, in fact there was no real  reaction at all.  I thought there might be anger, hurt and maybe a spark of a feeling but zip, nada, zero.  I still didn't want to be in the same space but it was the first time in 2 1/2 years we were that close in the same house.  I've been so angry but maybe I've moved past that.  Still I can regret and remember the past.  I still wish I had answers to many questions but I thing maybe he is so shallow he won't know the answers.  So why am I lost.  There is no going back and not sure what the future will hold.  Is what I have now all there will be?  I've got family and friends, my life isn't one of a hermit.  I have a job, not enjoying it but it helps pay the bills.  My son convinced me to send a resume and cover letter to him to turn in at his work.  It is a great company and no more crossing the bridge.  We'll see if anything pans out.  After the first of the year and some minor surgery I will be really ready to change jobs,  it's getting to the point where a devil I don't know will be better than the devil I do.  Holidays always seem to bring out the blues for me.  I can't seem to have the kind of holidays my heart wants,  I think the heart is being unrealistic but it does what it wishes.  I had an angel whisperer tell me "You are suppose to be here"  how odd that was to hear since there have been occasions I haven't wanted to be in the world.  If it wasn't for the responsibilities I have I may not have made it.  So now I try not to let it get so far where not being alive is better than being here.  It freaks me out a bit that a stranger and angels who do not know my life tells me that.  The other statement was" You will never get what you want from your Mother"  It just confirmed what I already knew but hard to hear it from someone else.  My Mom gets what she wants from me all the time.  Tonight was "I need toothpaste"  I just took her a tube about a month ago,  I think she must eat toothpaste.  So I'm a supplier and a laundry maid.  I'm trying to take it in stride.

Dating is hard

I've been talking with a guy on OK Cupid for a couple of weeks, tonight we got down to really talking. I find out he is separated but still living with his wife.  I sort of understand that, since I had to live with my ex for a while.  But there is not any progress on getting the divorce and the kids don't know.  I'm not willing to get into that drama and told him I wasn't comfortable with the situation and if he sorted it out I would like to talk again.  I think I made him mad but so what.  Lots of fish in the sea but most of them I think I would throw back.

Rambling

Just going to ramble and clear my mind a bit.
I know I have good life,  I have a great house to live in, I'm never hungry or cold.  I have enough to keep me in comfort.  I have a job, I have insurance, I have so many good friends.  I have family and friends who mean the world to me.  I'm not alone in the world.  I recognize joy and feel it on occasion.  I feel contentment and know that is a good space.  I'm working on improving myself and trying to find someone to be my life partner.  I know he is out there somewhere and if all goes well one day I will find him.

I burned 30 plus years of paperwork today.  I didn't want to shred it all so bought a brazier and went to town burning.  So know my eyes burn and I smell like smoke but that is a job complete.  I don't know why I felt it was the right thing to do to hang onto tax returns from 1974, who would ever need that, but it's moved with me every time I've moved.  I burned Mom's tax records and old checks.  So cleaned out a corner of a room and a corner of my mind.

My new car should be here in 2 to 4 weeks,  I'm getting excited.  Scared to take on a car payment but think it is the right thing to do. After all my last new car purchase has lasted 14 1/2 years, it still running but I'm suspecting repairs are in the near future so better to put the money into a new car than keep feeding it money.

Time change has my system all confused--my mind tells me it is later than it is now.  Guinness is confused, her belly is telling her that it's time to eat and get treats and Mom keeps saying it isn't time yet.

Forgiveness

Forgive- it's a hard thing to do.  I went to see some Tibetan relics today,  they do have an energy associated with them.  I find it hard sometimes to feel what other people in church feel.  I'm not sure what I'm suppose to be feeling, maybe I am and don't know it.  But that said there was a presence in the room with the relics.  I sat there and cleared my mind and the word that came to mind was forgive.  So I decided to try to forgive those I feel have hurt me.  I listed names and the tears came.  I don't know if this forgiveness will last  or if it was fleeting but it was a start.   Maybe the ills people have done to me are more in my perception not in reality.  I forgave someone for not being a friend any longer.  It still hurts that I lost a part of my life but apparently she couldn't get past the changes.  I forgave my ex for being a sad human being, the girl he cheated with I forgave her for being sucked into his charm, I forgave her for being stupid.  It doesn't mean I forget or that I would have a conversation with either of them, but I'm trying to understand they were human and stupid.

Am I?

Am I meant to be alone?  I'm beginning to think so.  I don't know where to meet someone new. I've been to a 40's+ social group for singles.  They are very nice people and I've had fun but they are not a dating group.  So this isn't the place to meet someone.  Almost all my friends are in relationships,  I'm glad for them but it hurts that I can't get into the same place.  I'm learning to like my aloneness.  It is either that or be unhappy all the time.  I'm not sure why my life is going into this direction.  This is not where I saw myself going in life.   I guess that is some of the reasons I stayed in the marriage so long.  That and I made a commitment to stay better or worse.    I know I can take care of myself,  take care of whatever needs to get done.  I've discovered a strength in myself that I didn't know was there.  So if that is the lesson I was suppose to learn I think I have.  I am self sufficient, if I don't know how to do something I find someone who can.  I've dealt with decisions that affect other peoples lives, not easy but I've done it.

Not a good person?

I've got something about myself I'm not proud of.  It is me, warts and all.  I've discovered this week that I don't wish my ex well. In fact I want him to be suffering.  He gave a party Sat. night that my son choose to attend rather than the one I threw.  It is childish and immature but it hurt my feelings.  I would never tell my son but it is how I feel.  I know after all the therapy that this is my ego ruling my thoughts and it is not attractive.  I'm human.  The one person who has hurt me worst than anyone else is still living and enjoying life.  It's not fair.  He got to keep his job and our company, he has remained in our dream house and he has replaced me at least two times and seems to be really enjoying life.  I'm petty enough to want him to be suffering some emotional pain and some discomfort in his life.    He also got to keep all of his family.  Logic would dictate he should keep his family, but I was a much better sister in law and daughter in law than he ever was as a brother or son.  But that doesn't matter.  Blood wins out.  I've been doing so well in moving on and finding my way so this is a set back and I will find my way out of this.  Just not yet.

Why do I?

Why do I let my son choosing to be with my ex make me so hurt?  I invited him to my Halloween party a month ago and he never let me know if he was coming or not.  Then tonight I spoke with him and he was telling me about the party up at his dad's.  I remember all the parties we held,  I guess the prospect of a hot tub and a bonfire out weights what I have to offer.  I also hear that my ex sister in laws were there.  Why do I let myself keep getting kicked by these emotions.  I guess I thought they were my family too.  I had been coping pretty well with the changes lately ad this just wants to make me sit and cry.  I think part of it is that I want the ex to be having an awful life and he isn't getting with my plan.  That is selfish of me but it is how I feel.

Saturday

It's beautiful Saturday but I'm choosing to spend it mostly inside.  Allergies are rather awful this year so less outside equals less stopped up head and sneezing.

Sitting inside brings a new set of thoughts.  The tradition that is ending has been weighting on my mind.  Was there anything I could have done differently that would have made us both more comfortable is being around each other.  The ease that we used to have seemed to disappear after the divorce happened.  I didn't think our friendship was hinged on me being married to her brother.  Is it the uncomfortable feelings we both seemed to get when we tried to be friends?  I've got another tradition that I've got to figure out what to do with.  We have been passing a friendship ball back and forth since the early 90's,  this year I'm it.  I have to find something small enough to fit into the ball and somehow find a way to give it to her.  I doubt that I'll see her during the holidays.  Even if he goes to Florida I doubt that I will feel comfortable enough to join them Christmas Eve.  I'm just out of the loop on their lives.  So do I continue the tradition or do I just let it drop.  I hate to be the one to make it a final ending.  I hate endings apparently.  I have started new traditions and this year making candy could be one with different people.  Decisions are hard to make sometimes.

October Begins

It looks another fall is settling in, leaves are changing colors and dropping to the ground.  Fall allergies have raised their ugly selves.  Halloween decorations are appearing at peoples houses.  I passed a house in downtown Louisville today that had 11 different inflatables in their small back yard.  Inflatables are not my idea of decorations but some people seem to be in love with them.  I'm sad as usual to see Sunday come to an end. Not looking forward to going to work tomorrow but then again I don't usually don't want to go to work.  I really need to work on getting a new job next year.  I keep thinking about going to Mexico next year and it sounds so wonderful.  It's getting dark so much earlier now days,  the time change looms and I really wished they would leave the time alone, it messes so much with the biological clock.  My mood has been swinging back and forth.  I'm good then something triggers a sad period then back to OK.  I wish life was easier.

I saw my Mom this weekend.  It's sad to see her getting old and frail.  She holds it together pretty well with most people but seems to let it go with me.  I wish our relationship could have been better but we were not able to make it go that way.

I've decided that some people are meant to be in your life for a short period of time, others for a long period.  Some people I've had in my life for many years are now starting to drift away.  It was a somewhat mutual decision.  A traditional started in the 80's  coming to an end.  Divorce will do that even to the closest of friends when they are both friend and in law family..  So it's up to me to make my new traditions, which I'm working on.

Old habits

Old habits die hard.  I've been doing very well on moving on and getting rid of the clutter of my old life.  It only took 3 year to get this much progress.   I was reading a book about a woman who found out her husband had cheated on her.  This took me back into areas of my life best left under the rock where I put them.  So today had been a day I'm trying to keep very busy.  Stuff that needed to be done but for one reason or another not done.  I also keep this weekend fairly empty to just try and regroup.  I've been so tired lately --really for about 6 months.  So being drawn back into the past has been a challenge,  I'm pretty durn tired of all the challenges I'm given to gain personal growth.  I was working on my garden trying to tie up my tomato plants and whacked my thumb,  I'm not a carpenter by any means, it throbs.   My fence is coming apart and I'll have to get hold of the fence people and get them to fix it.  These things shall be taken care of and then mo longer a problem, just an annoyance right now.

Bittersweet

I put to an end yesterday to my childhood.  I finally sold the house I was born into, raised until 19 and able to go home to until about a year ago.  The house needed to be sold.  It had so many issues that needed repair and it needed someone to love it.  The only feeling I've had for the past year was a drain-on my resources and energy.  I'm glad it sold,  the people who bought it sound like they will give it a lot of care.  They told me which bedrooms they were going to use and where the office would be.  He will have the basement for a man cave.  My dad had it has a man cave before they were known as man caves.  I can still picture him downstairs with his radio equipment talking to people all over the country and a few foreign places.  That is the memory I have most of my dad.  I can see my Mom on the back porch working jigsaw puzzles on a card table with a neighbor drinking "sweet" tea.  I an see her and my aunt on either the front or back porch just talking.  I can remember sleepovers with friends in my teens.  I can remember reading on the back porch when it was screened in.  I slept on the back porch sometimes it was cooler than the house.  My spot to sleep after we got a room A/C was on the floor, Mom and Dad had the beds.  My thought turn to the critters I had growing up,  a rabbit named Fluffy (lack of imagination -I was only 6) a blue chicken, a duck named Crackers, canary named Tiger, hermit crab named Hermy, assorted turtles I picked up in different places the last pet a poodle named Tory.  Many afternoon hours on the porch with my cousins who lived 16 houses down, we would meet halfway.  Many nights spending the nights at either house,  we played Barbies, and board games.  It was  much simpler time.  I remember the years after Dad died and how the atmosphere changed in the house.  My poor Mom was so depressed I'm not sure she ever really recovered.  Walking to school, riding my bike to the book mobile, walking to Dixie Manor, A & P groceries, Learner, Murphy's and the fountain at Walgreens.  The house was there for me my whole life until yesterday and I let it go on.  I couldn't move back into it and couldn't take good care so now it will be loved again and my memories will be fond of it.

Reflections of Time

I realize after having a birthday that time is speeding by way to fast.  I don't feel my age and don't want to be grouped with the elders in my age group.  I want to have fun and enjoy my life,  it's about time I do.  I wish I had the wisdom I have gained about 20 years ago but I guess that is the reason we age through life so we can learn.

I tried to go to an Art Fair today, I was by myself.  They are not nearly as fun when you don't have someone to share.  But the positive is that I tried.  As I say I'm a pack animal and like to travel with my pack so to go somewhere life that alone was a test.

I think I'm going to take a self defense class.  My life coaches school is offering one, the first hour you learn things to help defend yourself and the second hour you get to whale on a padded man.  Sounds like a way to learn stuff.

BirthdaIys

I celebrated another birthday over the weekend.  I don't feel my age in a lot of ways.  Folks tell me I don't look my age, this is good.  My daughter, son in law, adopted sister and husband went out Friday night to help me celebrate.  My son texted me on Friday wishing me an early birthday and wanted to go out to lunch on Sat to help me celebrate.  Sat. night I was with some friends I've know for over 40 years and they too wished me happy birthday.  Then I went to a party after Derby Dinner with my group of geek friends.  We had 8 birthdays in our group so they have one party to celebrate all the August babies.  I got to see most of the people important in my life in two days.  My Mom actually called me Friday night and again on Sat. to wish me Happy Birthday.  She often forgot my birthday and my ex started calling her to remind her.  I will admit my feeling were hurt when she forgot my birthday, I'm an only child so it shouldn't have been so hard to remember.

My life coach posted on my facebook a nice quote to look at my past year and do some reflecting.  I had 44 people wish me happy birthday, it was amazing.  I felt the love over the weekend, with cards, phone calls and messages I felt special.

August 6th

Today is the 34th anniversary of when I married.  I won't say I'm sorry I did it,  I had some good times and got two great kids out of it.  I feel like today should be a day of mourning.  I guess I'm the only one that remembers. I wish grief would stay gone.  It's a bit ironic that it is the anniversary of the atomic bomb.  I guess it wasn't the best day to pick.

Went to a single great get together last night.  It was nice,  the two guys I talked with I don't have much in common with.This trying to meet guys is very tough.  You ask the same questions, the guys I talked with are very nice but not my choice.  I guess I'll keep trying.

Tomorrow is going to be a good day.

One Step forward

I was very pleased with myself the last week or so.  I felt more positive about life than I have in a while.  For some reason the bubble started popping last night.  No reason just started on the down side of mood.  Got through today pretty well but tonight have the feeling of impending disaster.  No basis just the mood.  I realize a big trigger day is looming but thought it would be ok.  Maybe it's not ok.  Grief has no expiration date.  It doesn't say it's been 3 years all gone.  I'll keep working the program, positive thoughts and try to move beyond the negative.  I'm tired,  that could be part of the reason.  The weather, lack of caffeine and not sleeping as much as I apparently need to is taking its toll.

I'm going out to meet a single group again on Friday night.  Then Sunday out with my family I choose friends.  Sat. is the 34th anniversary of when I married the heel.  I should celebrate that I'm no longer with him.  The more  people open up about him and tell me things I wonder how I stayed so in the dark about the real him.  He was a great actor around me.  Again, I need to forgive myself for being so blind about him.  I used a service man we had used and he had talked with the ex and said to me,  he's not very nice is he?  Two realtors  also found he wasn't the nicest of people.  Why didn't I see this?

The positives--I have a job so I can pay my bills and have a place to live.  I have a large wonderful puppy who loves me unconditionally as I love her.  I have so many wonderful groups of friends each with different view points and thoughts,  I'm challenged by them, they have stood by me in all my moods and issues.  I've got my Mom in a safe and good place for her.  Maybe not what either of us thought would happen but it's the best for her and me.  I have sight, hearing, smell, touch, my aches and pains are with me but I can live with them.  They are bearable.  So all in all my life is good.  It helps to put it all down and see how much good I have in my life.

Sunday's

Sundays are almost always tough days.  I had a wonderful Sat. with the person I've chosen to be my sister.  It is hard when you are an only child.  As you get older the family you had disappears or at least in my case.  I lost my Dad 38 years ago, various aunts and uncles had passed away,  cousins I had a relationship with have faded as the developed their own families.  I had married into a big extended family and always enjoyed it, but that too is fading, too hard to be comfortable with each other.  A sister but not since there are other women he brings around.  I have my kids for the biological family but have crafted a core group of friends who are the family I choose.  We even celebrate Christmas as the family you choose.  This will be the third year we have a breakfast supper on Christmas evening.  I also have a Thanksgiving on the Sat. before the actual holiday so the core group usually has time to gather as a crafted family.  This means a lot to me,  family is so critical to me.  I feel lost if I don't have it.  I guess I could never have been a loner.

So enough about the wonderful Sat.  Sunday, go to church and pick up pieces of thoughts that I have to digest and think about.  Some of it I keep and some of it I leave.  The dogma that Unity has lets you pick what resonates with you and discard the rest.  Then I go to see Mom,  I get there and look in the dining room then go to her room and she isn't there.  The nurse tells me that someone checked her out and took her to Comfy Cow.  I probe a bit and find out one of her sisters took her out.  I went to Comfy Cow and couldn't find them.  So I left the clothes, new sweater and fresh tomatoes on her bed and went to run the errands I needed to get done.  Sprint went well even if it took a while.  They were able to switch old phones stuff to the new phone.  Then gas and came home.  After vegging awhile I decide it was cool enough to cut grass, that is done for another week.  But as the hours tick by to bedtime it depresses me to think work starts in less than 12 hours.  I think I'm suppose to stay at this job a while longer.  I've been looking for a couple of months and nothing is happening.  Maybe I'm not done with whatever I'm suppose to take from this experience.

I wish I could find more joy in life, most the time it seems to be just existing.

What the heck?

In a fairly good mood most of the day,  still dealing with house selling issues.  The repairman the agent had contacted couldn't come tonight and check it out.  She is going to try to find two other people so we can compare bids.  The repair guy had too many calls today.  I can understand, this house is empty so the walls dont care how hot it gets so if I was a person without air I would want priority   It just makes this stretch out longer.  I don't want the buyers to change their minds.  So that was a bump in the road.

I had some serious therapy on my neck, shoulders, arms and elbows today.  I had an hour with the OT, he worked me over.  I have some pretty bruises on my back, neck and shoulders.  I can't tell on the arms yet.  It hurts at this point to lift my arms.  Hopefully some of the work he did will loosen up the tangles and knots.  I sure hope so. I am in pain most of the time, it is just a matter of degree.  I tell them I'm always a two on the scale with spikes up to 5.  When using your arm to push yourself out of bed gives you a sharp pain it is never good.

So my mood took a dive tonight,  I don't know if it is stress from the house, pain from the body or another one of those trigger days.  I don't know why those days that remind me of my past life keep pricking at my mind.  You would think I would get over it.  I am over it a lot but I guess it reminds me of what I had thought my future was going to be and now I'm remaking it.  I wish I had more in my life, a companion is what I am missing.  Dating is hard and it is very hard to figure out where to start.  Sometimes I wish they had matchmakers -let them put people together and see if it works.
I think I am going to go and count my blessings which are many and good.  Good night world

A bit surprised

that the weekend turned out better than I expected.  It had a minefield in there and I kept busy and didn't even think much about it.  The only down thing was when I watched "Marley and Me"  good movie and I could identify with what a lab is like.  Morgan and Marley had a lot in common in some ways.  Labs have a way of being unlike any other dogs.  Guinness is different in she is a herder not a retriever and her mental is just her own.  Good news was I had an acceptable offer on Mom's house, thank goodness.  It's been since November that it has been for sale.  So if it can pass the inspections they want and not ask for any repairs it should be theirs by Aug. 15th.

My mood the last couple of days has been calm and easy.  This is wonderful to me.  Maybe I've turned a corner?

Stupidity

I'm feeling rather stupid,  not sure why.  I'm still grieving over the end of the dreams I had so long.  The dreams were good but the reality sucked.  I don't want the ex back in my life.  It is a much calmer and mentally sane life than I had.  But---I never wanted to be single.  Single is hard for me since part of the dream was to be with someone forever.  Forever doesn't last as long as it used to.  It got near the end of the marriage that it wasn't working as hard as I tried to make it work.  I want to find a partner in this life.  I'm not good alone.  If there were lessons to be learned about being alone and resourceful I think I've got it.  I can handle situations and take care of myself.  I can be alone and be content.  I just miss having someone in my life to be there and make me more whole.  If I have to never be in another relationship I will survive,  not as well as I would if there was a someone who could love, cherish, respect and share some of my interests.  I'm having a hard time being around couples who appear happy.  I'm glad for them but it hurts.

Am I stupid to think there is another relationship out there for me?  I don't have a clue where to look and I don't know how to flirt.  I haven't done it for a long time and it is different than when I did.    I wish the ex hadn't changed to be someone I don't know and don't like.  He wasn't a good person and it took me a long time to accept this.  I looked past the flaws to love him.  I've broadened my horizons since this all happened.  I'm not sure why I can't let go.  The makes me wonder if I will ever be happy again.

A bit surprised

I had my mid year review at work today.  It only took 12 minutes.  I got one added goal which wasn't bad since my boss got 3, of course I will help her with them but it is ultimately fall on her.  Then in a sort of surprise move she asked me if I would be interested in my boss's job.  She is leaving in Dec of 2012.  I told her I would be interested but we would have to talk about it at length.  I think the first thing would be talking salary.  Then we would need to define the job expectations.  One of the things I worry about is that our boss is also leaving in the near future.  I have a feeling her date may also be Dec 2012 but she isn't telling.  This is not a job I enjoy but I could do her work and we would have to hire someone to do mine.  The like to be very PC on who they hire.  I was a surprise as a white woman but apparently I was the most qualified.    I feel like there would be job security for at least 6 years maybe longer.  So do I really think about taking on the business associates job or do I keep looking for a different position?  They give a pretty good package when they have to let people go.  If I work until Jan 6th 2012 I will have a pension, small but a pension.  I think I'm going to keep looking but also keep deciding if I would like to do the job.  When I mentioned that I didn't know if I would like to be chewed up and spit out like they do my Boss at the meeting she said she didn't think that would be a problem for me.  Theresa is a bit forceful and I think that may cause her issues that I wouldn't have.  Who knows.

Questions but no answers

I've got a lot of questions on how things work and how life is suppose to go.  I have very few answers, I wish I knew more or could understand better. I wish I knew why I let my ex have so much attention from me.  I don't want to think about him or dream about his.  I can't seem to let go of the past.

My counselor said his ultimate goal for me is to trust in the unknown. He told me that I have to know all the ends and outs of whatever I'm going to do.  I have to examine and be cautious.  He is right about that, I have been that way as long as I can remember.  He feels that I need to have faith and take a chance on things sometime.    He has helped me a lot over the past year and most of the time I feel better after I have talked with him.  I just wish I had the answers and knew the future.  Don't most of us wish that?

Reflections

I'm reflecting on my life.  Saw a play tonight that brought a bunch of hurt up.  The female older lead had some forgetfullness, (reminds me of my Mom),  the husband who was dead wanted to come back and make sure that she knew he loved her.  Reminded me of the one I had who didn't.  And the 3 kids who all had their issues.  I've never been sure my Mom loved me and my dad died when I was young so I think he loved me but really don't know.  This brought the hurt I have been trying to heal.

I've had another pain in realizing my lost family is having a cookout tomorrow,  I wasn't invited so I have to figure    that the ex must be coming.  This is so hard,  I miss my place in the scheme of things.  I haven't made my place in my new life.  I was with some good friends tonight and I am envious of the relationships between them.  It is what I thought I had but didn't .  I just can't seem to find the starting point--I want a good relationship with a good man,  I want to find my place in life.  I really don't want to be like my Mom and be lonely and shut in for the last 25 years of her life.  She told me last Sunday that she has regrets, wishes she had done things differently. I can't help her with this.  She had lucid moments-most are but then she goes somewhere else.  This is hard.

I made a list today of my good qualities --I have them and need to celebrate them.  I have an identity and need to claim it.  It seems self serving to list your good qualities but must recognize them and develop self esteem.  It seems a long time since I felt good about myself.  This is something I need to work on.

Strength

I have come to accept that I am a strong person.  Lesser women would not have coped as well (I didn't think and still don't think I'm doing that well) but I have had several people comment on my strength.    It doesn't seem to help when my emotions get the best of me or when I'm very tired.  That said, I'm reflecting on the past 3 years and a few further back.  Since July of 2008 I have learned how to cope in an insufferable situation, seen a home become just a house, lost my job, ended the only relationship I've ever had with a man and deal with being lied too, cheated on, betrayed and made a fool of.  I've bought the only house I've been totally responsible for, got a new job, lived alone for the first time ever and managed to get by.  I've had the strength do deal with a dog with Alzheimers, a mother with dementia/Altzeimers, find the only possible solution-nursing home and get her on Medicaid.  I've had to let go of some wonderful people who were my family for over 30 years,  you can't keep the same family when the divorce is ugly, he is blood, I'm not.  This has been a difficult step and still working on it.  I've said goodbye to my puppy when it came time to do the right thing.  I've done house repairs, figured out what was wrong when things happened and fixed them.  I've learned to ask for help when I can't do something(this has been hard since the lessons I learned when young was don't ask for help)

I've done an awful lot of soul searching and looked in places in my soul that aren't pretty.  I've come to the conclusion that I'm a good soul most of the time.  I'm a good friend and love with my whole heart when I do.  I'm thoughtful, and care for people and try to solve things for them.  This causes a level of frustration when I can't fix things.   My heart hurts when my friends hurt..  This year I lost a friend fairly close to my age rapidly and not expecting it.  He was a good man and his wife my friend for over 30 years is hurting so bad and I can't do anything but hope for her.  

I've healed a lot and still have further to go.  I wish it was easy and didn't have backsliding.

So all in all I've done well.

So Tired

I am so tired of having to deal with stuff.  I understand this stuff is small but it seems to leap out of no where and aggravate the crap out of me.  My sister in law called tonight--she checks on the house I have for sale.  It has rained way to much and the basement is musky,  so I'm going to pay her $75.00 to clean it up and get it smelling better.  For some reason I really don't want to go back to the house I grew up in.  It probably has a lot to do with all the stuff that has happened the last couple of years.  She also found a letter in the box,  it's a bill from a collection agency for the garage service I stopped last November.  So I have spent way too long looking for my notes of when I called them.  I remember doing it because we discussed where they needed to pick up their can, it was in the back part of the driveway.  So tomorrow I have to deal with that.  The funny thing is the bill is in my Dad's name.  He has been dead since 1973,  they would have a hard time collecting.  I went through the same thing with the water company, again it was in his name.  I kind of put it to them they had to send the bill to me if they wanted to be paid, surprise they agreed.

My soul feels so unsettled.  I think I know one of my greatest fears,  did an exercise with a women's group I went to.  I don't know how so resolve this fear.  I guess time will either let it happen or I'll find what I need to be happy.

Parents die, become ill, dogs go to their happy reward, marriages end, jobs disappear, homes dissolve and become houses, jobs change and become unbearable, houses remain unsold, health issues arise.  These are the hard things.  I'm looking for joy, happy times, love, good friends, enjoying my job, good health and peace.   I think I must be asking for way too much-I see other people with it and don't understand why I can't have it.

Decisions

Today I got a call from the realtor with an offer from an investor for Mom's house.  It was a terrible low ball offer, 15000.00 less than I was asking.  I will counter offer cutting it 4000. and no closing, repair or any other kind of cost.  We'll see if they go for it.  I called my son to get his opinion.  I think he was flattered, I don't usually ask for opinions just tend to go my own way but I wanted someone to bounce my thoughts off of.  This could be a positive if they go for it.  I'm still sourcing on two jobs I applied to at Humana.  It's been almost a month so they are still looking at me.  They are very good about sending rejection emails.  So maybe some positive things will be in the future.

When?

I'm not sure I believe in karma.  If there is karma I'd really like to know what I've done so wrong and bad in my life that it keeps taking swipes of my soul.  If karma exists how come some people who do wrong and don't try to say their sorry and make amends never get blasted .  I've know a lot of good people who seem to live under the  same dark cloud I'm beginning to suspect is planted over my head never get a break.  I have so many people who tell me I've got it good and I'm lucky in the way I got out of a bad situation but don't have to live the pain and heartache that I still feel.  I don't want to go back to where I was, I realize it was a negative place and I wasn't treasured and loved the way I deserved.   I just wish I could understand when if ever it was a good relationship.  The only good thing out of that was the two wonderful individuals that came from the union.  So I have to wonder what I've done so wrong in life to have things happen.  I have not had a good year since 2006, one that nothing major bad thing has occurred.  Mom having cancer on her face, eye stroke 2007, cheated on and used in bad ways plus lost my job , marriage and home all in one instant.  2008.  In 2009 took the job that was offered (positive was I met some good people) not a good one but a job, found and bought a house (positive) but had to settled everything in a divorce-lost some things that held memories and things that I found would have been useful later (I can buy these things).  The divorce was an ugly creature,  the lack of respect really came through from him.  Costly for sure.  Things were starting to get on an even keel and then  Morgan and Mom are diagnosed with Altzehimers .  Mom had to live with me for over 80 days.  It's not easy having to be the parent to your parent-of course I was a host of different people while all this was happening.  I got her into a good nursing home-if any is good.  She has been angry and unhappy with me since I did this.  So I live with that every week.  I thought 2011 might be a good year and in Feb. I had to put my Morgan to sleep.  She was uncomfortable and in pain so it was necessary.  Since Feb. I've been fighting the dragon of depression.  It sneaks up and takes me to sad places and not good thoughts.  I fight these thought since I know my life isn't that bad.  Chemical imbalance is what I'm suspecting.  I feel like I've lost so much these last couple of years.  I keep getting the message change is good--I have a hard time believing so -most of my change has been forced and uncomfortable.  I try so hard.

Good things

I'm trying hard tonight to remember the good things I have in my life.  I have my kids, 40+ friends (two of them), friends of 30+ years (She went with me when I put Morgan down)newer lifelong friends (they will be around for a long time)  some people who are in my life but they will just be passing through.   I have work friends, friends who who are helping me with my aches and pains.   I have one furry large dog who thinks I'm wonderful.  I have a home that is very nice, I have a job--this is one of the temporary things--I'm on to bigger and better things.  I have a little bit of family-I really don't think I can count on them in my life, they are tied into theirs.  I have the family I married into, I'm losing them more and more but it is natural when divorce happens.  I have good health although my aches and pains are not fun I can function pretty well without too many limitations.  So all in all I have a lot of good things in my life.

The loss of my Morgan has made me miss the things I had.  I miss my Mom being somewhat there for me.  At least I could call and talk and I don't have that now.  I miss having a companion to share things with.  It would be nice to have someone ask "How was your day today?"  What's going on in your life?  Don't worry about that noise in the car I'll take care of it.  I miss being pampered-I didn't get this a whole lot but every now and then it was about me.  Most the time it was about him.  I think I believe more and more what he said "It wasn't anything to do with me it was all about him"  Things change and change is a way to propel you forward in life.  It has taken me a while to come to this truth.

Thinking

I have way too much time on my hands.  I can't still my mind when things are quiet.  I almost always have the radio or TV on so I have the background noise on.   My mind drifts to all sorts of topics when I try to be calm and meditate.  My horoscope today was pretty much dead on to how I'm feeling.  "Your in the middle of a learning process, and this is the part where it gets very frustrating.  You may even wonder if it's time to quit .  I seems like this is not what you signed on for, but hang in there."  There are points where I just want to chuck it all in and give up.  But the end result is not one I really want.   I'm really tired of making the major decisions.  I always have had to make the hard decisions in life so I'm not sure why it bothers me now.  I'm so much better off without the stress I lived under.  I don't want to be in a sterile life but the one I'm living now isn't horrible.  I get to decide what I want to do and when,  I eat what I want at home and things are my things.

So these are the thoughts that are crowding my head right now. :)

Thinking

I have way too much time on my hands.  I can't still my mind when things are quiet.  I almost always have the radio or TV on so I have the background noise on.   My mind drifts to all sorts of topics when I try to be calm and meditate.  My horoscope today was pretty much dead on to how I'm feeling.  "Your in the middle of a learning process, and this is the part where it gets very frustrating.  You may even wonder if it's time to quit .  I seems like this is not what you signed on for, but hang in there."  There are points where I just want to chuck it all in and give up.  But the end result is not one I really want.   I'm really tired of making the major decisions.  I always have had to make the hard decisions in life so I'm not sure why it bothers me now.  I'm so much better off without the stress I lived under.  I don't want to be in a sterile life but the one I'm living now isn't horrible.  I get to decide what I want to do and when,  I eat what I want at home and things are my things.  

So these are the thoughts that are crowding my head right now. :)

Dogs

It is amazing how much a 55 pound furry black lab can worm their way into your heart.  My Morgan was a beautiful puppy both inside and out.  She didn't want to be the alpha dog but enjoyed just being loved.  I wish I'd had more time with her but 13 years 8 months was a good amount of time for a large dog.  It feels really odd to only have one dog.  It is strange when putting Guinness in the pen that there is only one dog.  Feeding, letting her out and going to bed are all triggers of missing Morgan.  We've had the routine for so long.  Morgan loved bread and most people food.  Tomatoes were a favorite--fresh off the vine if she could manage it.  She didn't like lettuce or celery.  I miss the wise look on her face--not sure she was all that wise but she gave the impression that she was.   When my friend the animal communicator spoke with her after she kept peeing in front of the room my ex was sleeping gave her this explanation.  I pee at his door because he deserves to live lower than the basement.  Emma explained to her that this behavior was causing me trouble and needed to stop.  After that she quit peeing in front of the door.  Believe in this or not it is what happened.    I thought that was a wise explanation from my girl.  Tears have not flowed as much as I had feared but they creep in at odd times.

I don't know if I will ever get another dog but I also don't know that I will not.  Time will tell.

Morgan

Well today is the day I say goodbye to one of the loves of my life.  My good girl Morgan.  I'm doing the right thing but it is so hard.  She played ball with me yesterday-which means it toss it to her and she tosses it back.  No movement required, but it was unusual since she hasn't been doing much of anything.  I think she goes to the bedroom to be by herself, this means she has already checked out.  I try to love on her and she tolerates is for a minute then goes to be alone.  She has been a wonderful canine companion.  Age has taken its toll on her.  I look back on the little black ball of fluff we got at 5 weeks old.  My golden Kelsey kept looking at me and saying "What have you done"  She grew up loving her balls and playing fetch.  She loves bread and riding on the 4 wheeler.  She liked to snuggle and give me doggie kisses.  She has been a good example for Guinness and a pure loving heart that won't be forgotten.  She is the best escape artist dog I have ever met and smart and sassy in some ways.  The way she laid on Guinness's ball so she wasn't able to find it was a hoot.  Morgan has a sense of humor.

Goodbye my wonderful girl, soon you will be running in heaven with Kelsey and all the new dog friends your going to meet.  I know you both will be waiting for me when it's my time.  I can't imagine heaven without my girls.  :(

Heart Hurts

My heart is in a terrible pain.  I'm taking my almost 14 year old black lab on Wednesday to put her to sleep.  She has had a good life and seems to have been a mostly happy dog.  Last summer she was diagnosed with Cognitive behavior disorder, in other terms Doggy Alzemiers.  Medicine helped but she is now anti social, panting a lot and has had some seizures in the past couple of weeks.  What I would like to do is change the outcome-have her back when she didn't hurt and was perky and playful.  This isn't going to happen.  I had my friend who is an animal communicator speak with her.  This is not the first time but turned out to be the turning point.  Last summer she asked Morgan if she was ready to go and Morgan's reply "No I'm not ready to go, I'll be around for a while"  it gave me comfort that I was doing the right thing.  Last Tuesday she spoke with her and Morgan replied "I'm ready to go"  she is in a lot of pain in her head.  So being the responsible person I am made the decision to take that final step.  I've been crying a lot, trying to make the appointment on the phone today I almost got too choked up.  I spoke with the friend who is going to make this final journey with us and could not keep it together.  As I'm writing my eyes are welling up with tears.  When I love I love with my whole heart so it breaks when I have to let go.  It's amazing to me that they worm their way into your heart and lodge there.  They are more faithful than some people and love you unconditionally.  I'm going to have a hard time at work tomorrow and haven't yet decided whether to go in Wed.  our appointment isn't until 3 pm.  I'm going to see my Mom tomorrow before I do with the hopes I can keep it together and not have to tell her.  Hopefully by next week when it is time I'll be doing better.    I'm so tired of having to make decisions about what is the best thing to do.  I can't wait till I go to Mexico--all I have to decide there is what to drink and eat and when.  Pampering I'm ready,  this is the third sucky year in a row,  Maybe 2012 will be better or with the luck I've been having the world will end in December 2012.

Valentines Day

I've never been one much for celebrating this day. My ex and I sometimes did and sometimes didn't.  The last Valentines day that I was with him-he surprised me by getting champagne and chocolate dipped strawberries.  He also had a surprise for me in that he got one of "those" prescriptions.  Talk about a surprise.  It didn't go quite like he had planned.  The other thing-(I didn't know everything at the time) was his girlfriend helped him plan the evening and left the house so we could have a romantic evening.  That is a really icky thing after I found out they were sleeping together at the time.   She sure was a piece of work along with him.    So my last Valentines day was a doozy.  So right now it is a sucky holiday,  the only memory isn't a good one.  I try to give him credit for some of the good things but it is so hard when there are so many negatives attached to him.

I feel so unnecessary ,  I don't fill like I fit in with anyones life.  The only person who depends on me is my Mom and that is a different relationship.  I guess my dogs count.  My older dog had another seizure tonight.  This is two in 3 weeks.  This isn't boding well for the future.  Another loss in my life, it happens with pets. Doesn't make it any easier but is a fact.  I'm sitting here tearing up for her and for other reasons.  I wish I could see the future and know if it is worth trying so hard to make a new life.

Another Day

Well another day down and back to work again.  The weekends seem to fly by but the weeks seem to drag.  A remark by someone about my ex has caused some of the hurt and anger to bubble up again.  Why can't I just let it go.  I know (I've been beat over the head more than once lately)  about forgiveness --this is mainly for me.  It was pointed out to me that the one I'm angry with is myself and I think that is about 90% correct.  The other part is laid straight on him, his actions and words.  One day I my find myself able to be civil, but this is going to be when my life is more in line with what I want.

Imaging

I thought I had a good life several years ago.  I was mistaken.  Tonight I saw a show that showcased a 33 year marriage.  It showed it some of the warts that marriages had when you've been together so long.  I think my ego was proud of the fact that I was married so long when so many people said it wouldn't last.  Well they had the last laugh after all.  I am a deeply loyal person and keep my word.  The show has a young couple who had been together 3 years and were not yet committed to one another.  The older couple had lost some of passion and excitement of a new relationship but knew each other so well.  It all ended happily as plays generally do.  It was like scraping off the scab on my life.  I thought that was what I had,  I was so deluded.  Partly by choice if I look deep enough partly because of my commitment and because I had made a promise.  It was just that I choose a person who didn't have the same commitment that I did.  I think --he got bored with what life becomes when you start getting older.  The old gray mare wasn't as interesting as the young fillies he was seeing and he was afraid that he was getting old.  I've been working so hard to make a new life for myself.  I'm happier in a lot of ways since I don't have to deal with the moods that he had developed.  I felt like I was dealing with a duel personality.  I'm lonely --straight up and real.  I'm hoping for someone to be my companion and best friend.  I hope he is out there, my fear is that he isn't.  I don't want to be getting old all by myself.  I've seen what happened with my Mom.  She was afraid and depressed and didn't want to have to deal with what it takes to have a relationship-not with me or anyone else.  She is old now and has regrets but still isn't changing any way to progress before the end of her life.  I don't want to have the same regrets.  My saving grace is I have good friends and my kids, so I am not totally alone in the world.

Non Forgiveness

I'm working now on trying to forgive myself.  The decisions I made when I made them were the best I could do. This has become my mantra.  There are things I did to try to "save" the marriage.  I'm not proud of them and not sure why I did them., but I did.  So now I need to let go of beating up on myself for those and other decisions I've made.  My marriage was not that good but it was familiar.  I wish I had more courage and self respect when I had to deal with the issues that ended it.  Fear-I think that was the emotion that kept me tied to trying to make it work.  A good marriage is one where you don't spend all your energy on trying to make things work.  I also did things that are really against what I believe in, I won't do that again.  I have to look at myself every day and forgive myself for those things.  I don't plan on having any more added to that list.  I burned non forgiveness at the burning bowl ceremony I went to.  I must learn the forgive myself and others.  I must learn to love myself--this is harder than you think.  I don't think I've ever gotten things "right".  I've never felt good enough, my parents never thought I did things good enough.  I've never felt intelligent or clever.  For all the progress I've made I still have steps to climb.  Good thing life is a learning process and your never done.

1-1-11

Today is the beginning of a new year.  A new start, a chance to throw some of the old stuff out to make room for new stuff-better stuff.  I took down my Christmas tree which is a normal New Years Day thing for me.  Then I decided that the living room needed to look different -so I moved the furniture around.  Not sure yet if I like it so will live with the change for a bit and see if not there are other patterns I can make with the furniture.

Had dinner with a friend who has had the last year hitting several of the top 10 stress makers.  He seems to be happy and content with the changes he has made, new city, living with his girl friend, new job, new home times 2 with the old home still on his hands.  I miss him and know that this chapter in the friendship is closing.  He will be living a different life in a different place and we will grow apart.  Maybe it is time.  He was a wonderful friend when my heart hurt just beating.

I was with friends last night bringing in the new year.  I love my friends a lot.  I envy them the peace they seem to have.  I am searching for peace for my soul.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.  All the roles I used to identify myself with changed.  Searching for new places I belong.  I feel comfortable with them and I hope they do with me.  I feel like a third or fifth wheel a lot of times.  It amazes me how hard it is sometimes to say separate check when we do a group dinner.  I come to things alone and go home alone.  This has been one of the hardest things to learn.  Being alone.  Alone to make decisions, alone to deal with problems, alone to try to figure out what the noise is in the car (it turned out to be the water pump), second guess myself that I'm making the right decisions.  The car guy asked if I wanted to come up to see what he was talking about with the car(it is old and some bolt didn't want to be removed to fix the water pump) I told him I could come look but would not know what I was seeing.  That is a form of helplessness for me.  I don't have the knowledge so don't know if what I'm doing is right.  I just have to go with the reputation this repair shop has and hope for the best.

Emotions are running on a roller coaster.  I cry, I get better and find something else to do then durn if I don't all the sudden cry again.   I realize that this is the third New Years Eve that I've been by myself .  You can be in a room full of people and feel alone when the ball drops.  Trust me this is a truth.   I'm working so hard to find me but it is hard.  Some times I get so tired of having to work on having a life again.  The life I had wasn't great but I knew what was expected and what I was suppose to be doing most of the time.  This new life has so many possibilities that sometimes I get immobilized by fear,  don't know what way to turn.

I'm looking forward to taking a vacation this year--that is a bright spot on the future.  Still have to find a dog sitter and someone to check in on Mom, along with a bunch of other issues but it will all work out.

My old dog is fading.  She chooses to go to bed a lot during the day now.  She doesn't hear me very often.  Dinner used to be rattle the bowl and in she would come now I have to go wake her up and convince her to move.  All I can do is love her and give her the best I can until it isn't enough.  Why do pets have such short life spans.  She is 13 1/2 years old and I'm not ready to let her go but will do the right thing for her.

Such a maudlin night tonight.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.  I can only hope.